Resident Evil Final Fantasy 7 Part 2
by Liquid
Summary: The continuing misadventures of the RE gang as they travel through Final Fantasy 7.
1. Village From The Past

"I don't believe it". Jill said as they walked into town. "It's really here".

"NO"! Chris screamed. "IT CAN'T BE"!

"Guys, relax". Scooby replied. "It's been 5 years since this place burnt down, and that's pleanty of time to rebuild".

"NO WAY"! "THAT'S JUST WHAT THEY WANT YOU TO THINK"!

"What"?

Chris suddenly ran into the nearest shop, and grabbed the clerk by the shirt collar.

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE"?! Chris screamed at the top of his lungs.

"Um...". The clerk replied. "This is my shop".

"BULLSHIT, MOTHER FUCKER"! "THIS PLACE BURNT TO THE GROUND"!

"Yeah, I remember that". "It took awhile, but we rebuilt the town just like it was before".

"NO"! "THERE ARE FORCES AT WORK HERE THAT ARE BEYOND MERE MORTAL COMPREHENSION"!

"Dude, are you gonna buy something, or what"?

"I'M BROKE AS A JOKE, ASSHOLE"! "BUT YOU CAN'T BUY THINGS FROM AN IMAGINARY SHOP, SO I'M JUST GONNA STEAL EVERYTHING"!

"Ok, I think you've had a few to many". "Allow me to show you the door".

The clerk suddenly punched Chris in the mouth, spun him around, and booted him in the ass, making him fly out the door, and land on his face.

"My god". Ashley said. "What the hell is wrong with him"?

"You don't know the half of it". Rebecca replied. "Let's just say that we got off easy this time".

A minute later Chris was on his feet, and the group moved further into town.

Seph...iroth". A man in a black cloak said.

"What the hell"? Scooby asked.

"Play it cool". Tiggr replied. "Maybe he has drugs".

Jill walked up to him.

"Who are you"? She asked.

"I...am...". He replied as he took off the hood. "Ross Perot".

(Dramatic music is played)

"KILL HIM"! Barry screamed as he aimed his gun.

It took everyone to restrain Barry, but it was finally accomplished by shoving a cheese wedge in his mouth.

"Mmmm". Barry said. "Cheese".

"Ok, then". Jill said as she turned back to Ross Perot. "What the hell are you doing here"?

"I spent 20 years trying to run for president". He explained. "But it turns out that I'm so old, decrepit, and down right creepy that nobody ever voted for me". "So I created a few hundred clones of myself in order to take over the world, MUAHAHAHAHAHA"!

He snapped his fingers, and dozens of Ross Perot clones came out of buildings, filling the streets.

"This could be bad". Scooby said as the clones surrounded them.

"Oh, it's more then bad". Ross Perot replied. "Look over there and see the fate that awaits you all".

They looked, and saw some clones putting a man on a horrible looking machine. A hook then went into his mouth, and ripped out his whole skeleton.

"OH MY GOD"! They all screamed.

"Yes". Ross Perot continued. "Scream in terror at what awaits you all... STARTING WITH CHRIS"!

(Dramatic music is played)

"WHAT"?! Chris yelled. "But you can't start with Chris... I'm Chris"!

"No more talk". Ross Perot replied. "ATTACK"!

The clones ran toward them, and it looked like there was no way out.

"This way"! Jill yelled. "Let's escape into that mansion, where I think it is safe"!

The group ran through the gate with the clones right on their heels. Then without a second to spare, they ran inside, and closed the heavy door.

"GOD DAMN IT"! Ross Perot screamed. "You worthless fucks, no wonder no one would vote for me"! "You know what, fuck this, we're leaving". "But I want everyone to know that you haven't seen the last of Ross Perot"!

The group watched through the window as he and his clones left.

"Oh, thank god". Jill said. "I can't stand that asshole".

"Hey, look at this". Ashley said as she picked up a note.

It read: THIS DUMB MOTHER FUCKER GOT HIMSELF STUCK IN A CRYOSTASIS CHAMBER IN THE BASEMENT. YOU COULD TRY TO FIND HIM IF YOU WANT, BUT AFTER YOU MEET HIM YOU WILL WISH YOU HAD LEFT THE FOOL TO HIS FATE.

"Well, since we're here". Rebecca said. "Chris can go first".

"No way". Chris replied. "I am not going into any creepy basement in any creepy old house".

"Well then, you have to ask yourself one question". "Which are you more afraid of, the scary house, or getting the shit kicked out of you by me"?

Chris thought for a second.

"Ok". He said sadly. "Let's go".

He hung his head, and they began exploring the mansion.


	2. The Man In The Basement

After an hour or so of wandering, the group discovered two very important things.

The first was that the house was empty except for the secret enterence to the basement, and the second was that Chris had been abducted by ghosts.

"HELP ME"! Chris screamed as they carried him off.

"Well, look who it is". One of the ghosts replied. "Now we get to have all the fun that we did five years ago, starting with a room full of mousetraps".

"NOOOOOOOO"! "GUYS, HELP ME"!

"You kep watch up here, Chris". Jill said. "We're gonna check out the basement".

The ghosts took the screaming Chris away as the others started down the stairs.

"What do you think is down there"? Ashley asked.

"PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE"! Barry screamed. "IT HAS TO BE"!

"I doubt it". Jill replied. "Not only because space is up while we are headed down, but also because even this story isn't quite that retarded".

"Well, I don't know about that". Rebecca said. "With the way things have been going, I'm surprised that there haven't been any lesbien make out scenes yet...guys"?

She looked back, and saw Jill making out with Ashley.

"My god". She said as they kept walking. "We're all gonna die".

Once they reached the bottom, a long hallway streched out before them. So they all held hands, and started walking.

"What the hell is this place"? Scooby asked. "It looks like the temple of doom".

"Well, it sure ain't temple beth isrial". Jill replied.

"Yeah". Rebecca said. "This is the kind of place where good innocent people get ripped to shreds by insane serial killers, or get eaten alive by cannibal zombies".

"Well, then there's nothing to worry about, huh"? Tiggr replied. "GOD I FUCKING HATE YOU"!

"Don't worry, Tiggr". Jill said. "No one here is good or innocent".

A few minutes later they came to a large purple door, and apon opening it, they discovered a cryostasis chamber.

"Hey". Ashley said. "Isn't this what that note was talking about"?

"Not sure". Jill replied. "We should be very careful".

"BUTTONS"! Barry screamed as he ran toward it.

"NO"! Everyone yelled.

But it was too late. Barry started mashing buttons like a 10 year old playing street fighter 2, and a second later the chamber opened, filling the room with cold smoke.

Then as the smoke cleared, they saw a man climb out.

"IT'S A GHOST"! Barry screamed.

"Behold". He said as the smoke finished clearing. "I am Leon Kennedy, and I have returned to this world after being frozen in time for a million billion years".

"Um". Jill replied. "The monitor says that you've only been in there for 6 months".

"My god". "That means that I've been in there so long that the timer started over again". "Well, fear not"! "I may be from a simpler time, but my primitive strength and dashing good looks will ensure that I can have wild and nasty sex with any woman that I want"!

Everyone just looked at him.

"Alright". Jill said. "Put him back in".

They all grabbed him, and started dragging him back to the chamber, but he grabbed onto a table, and held on for dear life.

"NO"! He screamed. "I DON'T WANNA GO BACK IN THERE"!

"Well, we don't want you out here". Jill replied. "And majority rules, so we win".

"NO"! "PLEASE"! "My commander forced me in there because I failed horribly"! "I'm not one of the Turks anymore, PLEASE DON'T DO THIS TO ME"!

Suddenly they let him go.

"Fine". Jill said. "If it will shut you up, you can stay out". "But what the hell is this place"?

"I'm so glad you asked". Leon replied. "You see, before I was trapped in here, I made a few changes to this place".

He hit a light switch, and music started playing as the room lit up.

"My god". Rebecca said as Leon started dancing around. "You've turned it into peewee's playhouse".

"Come on get up and quit your nappin". Leon sang. "Its the crazy messed up place where anything can happen". "Theres a chair that frickin talks and a fish that gives advise". "HOLY CRAP, its screwy in Leons playhouse".

"Jesus Christ". Scooby said. "It's like having a whole new Chris".

"But you haven't seen the best part yet". "Hey, Genie I want to make a wish".

"Did somebody say wish"? The genie asked.

"I WISH FOR DRUGS"! Tiggr screamed.

"Granted, see you later".

Tiggr's pockets were filled with controled substances, then the music and lights went away as the genie vanished.

"Aw, man". Leon said sadly. "I wanted a pogo stick".

"Well". Jill said. "It's been fun, but we gotta go".

"I'm coming with you".

"NO"! Everyone yelled.

"Hey, Jill". Scooby whispered. "We should take him along, because if Chris gets killed, we'll be fresh out of decoys".

"My god, you're right". "Ok, Leon, you can come with us".

"HOORAY"! Leon screamed as he jumped up and down. "So what do you guys do, anyway"?

"We're looking for a guy named Sephiroth".

Suddenly as if on cue, the door was kicked open, and thunder crashed as Sephiroth walked in.

"I'm getting sick of you assholes following me". He said as he drew his insanely long sword. "So I'm gonna take your shoes".

"Oh". Leon replied. "That doesn't sound so bad".

"WITH YOUR FEET STILL IN THEM"!

"Oh, well that's the horse of a different color".

Everyone screamed as Sephiroth ran toward them.


	3. Leaving Nibelhelm

Everyone ducked as Sephiroth swung his sword, slicing the cryostasis unit in half.

"RUN"! Leon yelled. "RUN"!

They all dodged one more attack of the sword, and ran out the door.

"You can't escape"! Sephiroth yelled as he chased them. "I'll cut you to ribbons, and serve you extra crispy with an extra order of rice"!

He chased them most of the way down the hall, then Tiggr suddenly stopped and faced him, causing Sephiroth to stop out of surprise.

"What is this"? Sephiroth asked as the others ran up the stairs. "Is the toy going to fight"?

"Yes". Tiggr replied. "And I'm gonna kick your ass, too".

"Is that so"? "Well I'll have you know that I am a superior being created from the cells of Jenova herself".

"Oh yeah"? "Well I just did a bunch of PCP"! "AHHHHHHHHH"!

He suddenly sprang at Sephiroth, and kicked him in the chest, making him crash into the wall. Tiggr then tail whipped him, swept his legs out from under him, and kicked him in the side before he landed, making him fly into the wall again before crashing to the ground.

"Holy crap"! Everyone exclaimed.

"This ain't nothin". Tiggr replied. "Last time I did this stuff, I flipped a car over with my bare hands, KIND OF LIKE THIS"!

He then uppercutted Sephiroth, making him break through the cieling, ending up on the first floor.

"Fuck this"! Sephiroth yelled as he ran out the door. "I'm outa here"!

Meanwhile back in the basement, Tiggr was still trippin out of his mind.

"I can't control it"! He yelled. "For some reason I want to kick everyone's ass"! "And since Chris isn't here, I NOMINATE YOU GUYS"! "AHHHHHHHH"!

He was foaming at the mouth, and screaming obsanities as he chased them back up the stairs.

They ran out the secret door, and past where the ghosts were still messing with Chris.

"And now". The ghost said. "We use THE EGG BEATER"!

"NOOOOO"! Chris screamed.

Suddenly Tiggr smashed through the closed secret door, and roared like a mad fool.

"HOLY SHIT"! The other ghost yelled. "LET'S GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE"!

They dropped Chris as they vanished, and Chris got up just in time to be tackled by the drugged up Tiggr, making him scream as they rolled down the stairs.

"I'M GONNA KILL YOU"! Tiggr screamed as they landed.

"What the hell is your problem"?! Chris yelled.

"DON'T QUESTION ME"! "JUST DIE LIKE A GOOD LITTLE PIGGY"!

Everyone suddenly grabbed Tiggr in an attempt to restrain him, but he roared, and tossed them across the room like they were nothing. Then he ran up the stairs, and jumped onto the railing.

"I AM ZEUS"! He screamed. "NO MORTAL MAN CAN STOP ME"!

"IT'S ZEUS"! Barry screamed. "SACRIFICE CHRIS TO SUPPRESS HIS ANGER"!

"Shut the fuck up"! Chris replied.

"Tiggr, come down"! Jill yelled. "We can help you"!

"NO"! Tiggr screamed. "ZEUS DOES NOT NEED MORTALS"! "NOW WITNESS AS I CAST LIGHTNING WHILE FLYING HIGH ABOVE YOU"! "FOR I AM ZEUS"!

He then jumped off the balcony, fell really fast, and slammed head first into the floor, knocking himself out cold.

"Jesus Christ". Rebecca said. "He's got it bad".

"What the hell just happened"? Chris asked.

"He just kicked the shit out of Sephiroth". Leon replied. "And then tried to kill us".

Everyone jumped back as Tiggr slowly opened his eyes.

"Did I beat him"? Tiggr asked. "Cause I think I'm coming down".

"Well, it's about fucking time". Ashley replied. "Can we get out of this fucked up town now"?

A few minutes later they left the mansion, and started toward the path at the rear of town.

"Something tells me that he went this way". Leon said.

"Is that your best guess"? Chris asked.

"No, I read it on that sign over there".

They looked and saw a hand painted sign sticking out of the fence.

It read: I WENT THIS WAY. SINCERLEY SEPHIROTH.

"Ok, sounds easy enough". Jill said. "What's that way"?

"The mountains of despair". Scooby replied.

They looked down the path toward the mountain, then thunder crashed and creepy music started playing.

"Can we go around"? Chris asked.

"No". Scooby replied. "This is the only way to catch up to Sephiroth".

"Ok". Leon said. "I didn't want to follow him that badly anyway". "See ya later".

He started to walk away, but Jill grabbed him.

"Hold it right there, Mr. I have to come with you". She said. "Not only are you going, but you and Chris are going to lead the way".

She pushed them forward, and they sadly started walking toward the mountains.


	4. Crossing Mt Nibel

As they walked away from the town, they found themselves on a narrow winding path that led toward the mountain.

"Over the river, and through the woods". Leon sang. "To grandmother's house we go".

"SHUT UP"! Everyone screamed.

"So". Ashley said. "Why is it that we couldn't just go around the mountain"?

"Because that would make sense". Jill replied. "And that's where you're wrong".

"What do you mean"?

"Nothing in this place makes sense". "Kind of in like Alice in Wonderland".

"Oh, I get it". "So now all we need is a white rabbit".

Suddenly a person size rabbit came running toward them, stopping only to check his wall clock size pocket watch.

"God damn it"! He yelled. "I'm fucking late again, AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT"!

"What"? Chris asked.

Suddenly the rabbit smashed his clock over Chris's head, and then tackled him to the ground.

"HELP"! Chris screamed as his beating started.

"Mother fucker"! The rabbit yelled. "Always making me late"! "So let's see how you like this"!

He stomped Chris a few more times, and then ran off into the distance.

"What the fuck just happened"? Chris asked as he got up.

"I'll tell you what happened". Leon replied. "You pissed him off and put us all in danger". "And if you ever do it again, I'll drill two holes in your dick, so that the next time you pee, it shoots out in different directions, got it"?

"Who are you again"?

"THAT DOES IT"!

Leon ran at him, but Barry grabbed both of them.

"Don't you see that this is what the terrorists want"?! Barry yelled. "The war's out there, man, IT'S FUCKING OUT THERE"!

He then slammed their heads togather, dropped them, and screamed as he ran off toward a bridge.

"Shit"! Jill yelled. "Don't let him get away"!

"Why not"? Scooby asked.

"Because last time he freaked out and ran off, he sodomised and evicerated Jay Leno on live tv".

Without another word the group took off running after Barry, leading them to an old rope bridge.

"Ok". Rebecca said as they walked across. "These old bridges are unstable, so we all need to be careful, and under no circumstances should anyone do anything like this".

Everyone screamed as she started shaking the bridge back and forth.

"Rebecca stop"! Scooby yelled. "It's gonna

But it was too late.

The bridge's ropes snapped, making them all fall toward certain death. Fortionatly the bridge was only about 10 feet from the ground, but it was also a steep slope, causing them to roll all the way down the other side of the mountain, to a small cave.

They could see light coming from the other side of the cave, so after they recovered, they started walking toward it.

"Alright". Jill said. "Let's get the hell out of this place.

Suddenly a giant blue scorpion jumped down, blocking their path.

"A giant blue scorpion"? Chris asked. "Now I've seen everything".

"You ever seen a man eat his own head"? Leon asked.

"Uh, no".

"Then you haven't seen anything, huh"? "So the next time you claim to have ultimate knowledge, I'll rip your balls off and shove them up your ass, so that the next time you shit, you'll shit all over your balls, got it"?

"What the fuck is your problem"?

"Yeah"? "You wanna go, bitch"?

Suddenly the giant scorpion roared, making them scream and hold eachother, but at the last second the scorpion was the one to scream as Barry jumped onto it's back.

Everyone just stood there with their mouths hanging open as Barry tore the scorpion limb from limb. Once he was done, the scorpion was laying all over the cave, and Barry roared as he pounded his chest like he was frickin king kong.

"My god". Ashley said. "Where the hell did that come from"?

"Oh, hey guys". Barry said as he looked around. "Damn, what the hell happened here"?

"Nothing". Jill replied. "Let's move on, shall we"?

"I'm glad I brought so much weed". Tiggr said as he lit up another joint. "These mother fuckers are crazy".

A few minutes later they exited the cave, and found themselves on a peaceful looking grass field, only a short distance from a town that seemed to have a large rocket at it's center.

As they got closer, they came to a sign.

It read: WELCOME TO ROCKET TOWN... UNDESIRABLES WILL BE BEATEN, CASTRATED, AND SHOT BY ORDER OF THE CAPTAIN.

"Well". Scooby said. "Nothing to worry about here, huh"?

"Rocket Town". Leon said. "I remember something about this place, but I forget what it was".

"Well then you don't remember, huh"? Chris asked. "It's good to not be the only dumbass around here for a change".

"No, I'm serious". "There is something horrible, horrible bad in this town".

"Oh well". Jill replied. "I guess the only way to find out is to face it head on".

"No way in hell".

"Then I'm sorry you feel that way". "Barry, convince him".

Barry suddenly swung his gun, hitting Chris and Leon in the face, and knocking them to the ground.

"That's more like it". Jill said. "NOW MARCH"!

They got up, and slowly led the way into town.


	5. This Is Rocket Town

All was quiet as they walked toward the center of town.

"Hey". Ashley said. "Isn't this the last town before the ocean"?

"Yeah". Jill replied. "So"?

"So, how are we gonna keep following this Sephiroth guy without a boat"?

Everyone was silent, and stood there with stupid looks on their faces.

"We could take that plane". Tiggr said.

"What plane"? Scooby asked.

"That purple one behind the house over there".

Everyone looked, and then gasped as they saw the plane with the words: TINY BRONCHO, painted on the side.

"OH NO"! Leon screamed.

He turned around to run away, but Jill tripped him, making him land on his face.

"What the hell is your problem"? She asked.

"We have to leave right now"! Leon yelled as he got up. "Don't you know who's plane that is"!

"Yeah, it belongs to that Liquid guy". "And that means that one of us has to walk up to his house, and ask to borrow it".

"I nominate Chris". Rebecca said.

"Oh, thank god". Leon replied.

"Why me"? Chris asked.

"Because I fucking said so". Rebecca said. "Now get your ass up there before I sick Barry on you".

"BARRY THIRSTY FOR BLOOD"! Barry screamed.

"I guess I could talk to him". Chris said as he started walking toward the house.

He was scared out of his mind as he reached the house, but then hope filled his head as he read the note.

It read: WENT TO ROCKET, BE BACK LATER, SINCERLY CAPTAIN LIQUID.

"Oh thank god". Chris said. "Hey guys, he's not home"!

Suddenly the door opened, and was lifted off his feet by a beautiful blonde woman.

"THE FUCK DO YOU WANT"! Alexia demanded.

"Nothing"! Chris quickly replied. "Nothing at all, PLEASE DON'T HURT ME"!

"Are you more of Liquid's faggot ass friends"? "Because if you are, I'M GONNA BREAK YOUR GOD DAMN NECK"!

By this time Chris was crying, and whimpering in a very unmanly way.

"I'm not his friend"! He whimpered. "In fact I hate him with a passion, but all I want is to borrow his plane"!

"Well, why didn't you say so"? She asked. "He's in the rocket if you want to see him, NOW GET THE FUCK OFF MY PROPERTY"!

She headbutted him, and then dropped him, making him crash down on the ground. Then she slammed the door, and Chris dragged himself back over to the group.

"What the hell was that"? Ashley asked.

"I'll tell you what it was". Leon replied. "He put us all in danger by pissing off that blonde chick". "And if you ever do that again, I'll shove a flute down your throat so that the next time you burp, it plays yankee doodle dandy, got it"?

"Whatever". Chris replied. "Liquid's at that rocket over there, so I guess we talk to him when he gets back".

"Oh no you don't". Rebecca said. "You just march your gumby ass over to that rocket, and get us a plane". "Please, Chris"? "You're the only one who can". "Will you do it for me, huh"?

Rebecca used her cute eyes, and being the tower of common sense that he was, Chris was instantly putty in her hands.

"Yes". He said as the inspirational music began to play. "It is my duty as a hardcore ex-SOLDIER to brave the horrible dangers unknone in order to accomplish my mission, and get the girl". "Not only will I convince Liquid to give us his plane, but I will also bonk his girlfriend simply because I can". "She'll be like, Chris you beat up my loser boyfriend, and I'll be like, hells yeah I did now bend over baby, and she'll be like, only if thoes other girls join in, and I'll be like

"JUST FUCKING GO"! Everyone screamed.

Chris took off like a shot, running toward the rocket as fast as he could, and stopping at the top of the rocket's stairs after realising what he was about to do.

"Aw crap". He said. "Ok, it's now or never".

Silently he opened the door, and after seeing only an empty hallway, he walked in.

"Liquid"? He whispered in the quietest possible voice.

Satisfied that no one was there, he did what any respectful person would do, and started messing with stuff.

After pushing a few buttons, a monitor came to life, displaying a recording that took place 5 years ago.

(FLASHBACK).

Liquid walked into the rocket's main hull, and the workers instantly got out of the way while protecting their nuts with their hands.

"Morning guys". He said. "Are we ready to make history with shinra's first manned space flight"?

"Yes, Captain". They replied.

"Good, because if anything goes wrong, you know what will happen".

Liquid then walked over to the coffee dispencer, got a cup, and took a sip. A second later he spit it out.

"Decaf"? He asked as he dropped the cup. "WHO'S RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS"?

The workers all pointed to eachother.

"I see". Liquid said. "Hmmm... I BLAME YOU"!

"Why me"? One of the workers asked.

"Because you're standing closest to me, meaning that it will take the least amount of physical effort on my part to punish you".

"But It's not my fault".

"I didn't say that it was your fault, I said that I'm blaming you". "And now you must pay the penalty".

Suddenly Liquid grabbed him by the hair, kicked him in the nuts 6 times, and tossed him over the guard rail. A second later there was a splattering sound, and the other workers swallowed hard.

"Ok, problem solved". Liquid said. "Now everyone get out because we take off in three minutes".

Everyone ran away as Liquid went into the cockpit, and as soon as the door closed, Alexia snuck inside the engine room.

"This will fix that fucker". She said as she took a monkey wrench out of her bag.

She then tossed it into the fuel injector system, and exited the rocket as the countdown began.

The countdown reached zero, but instead of taking off, the engines exploded, clearcutting the area surrounding the rocket.

(FLASHFORWARD).

The recording ended, and Chris decided to end his search.

"Find anything interesting"? A voice said behind him.

Chris spun around just in time to get a close up of Liquid's fist before everything went black.


	6. At Home With The Captain

As Chris opened his eyes, he discovered that he was in one of those dark interrigation rooms, complete with one of thoes slow spinning fans in the wall that let only a small amount of light in.

"Good morning". Liquid said as he stepped into the light. "Sleep well"?

Chris tried to move, but discovered that he was tied to a chair.

"Where am I"? He asked. "What's going on"?

"I'll ask the questions here, Mr. Bond". Liquid replied. "Now I want to know why the agency had you track me all across the planet".

"But I'm not Mr. Bond".

"SHUT YOUR MOUTH WHEN YOU TALK TO ME"! "Now answer the question, Mr. Bond".

Chris just sat there with a confused look on his face.

"I see". Liquid said. "I had hoped that you would cooperate, Mr. Bond, but now I see that I will need to use every method at my disposal to break your double o training".

He moved a small table in front of Chris, then he picked up a bag, and began laying out it's contents. There was a new york city phone book, a mouse trap, an egg wisk, a cheese grater, a cucumber, and a roll of duct tape.

"What are those for"! Chris yelled.

"These are my data collectors, Mr. Bond". Liquid replied. "It is not an option, you will tell me everything starting at the beginning".

"Ok, first the earth cooled, and then the dinosaurs came". "But they got to big and fat, so they died and turned into oil, and then the arabs came, and they bought mercades benzes". "And then

Liquid suddenly socked him in the head with the cucumber, and then lifted the chair with his foot, making Chris fall on his back. Liquid then tossed all of his devices away, and knelt down, putting his face only about a foot from Chris's.

"I see that you have been trained to resist torture, Mr. Bond". He said. "So now I must resort to drastic measures.

Liquid then opened his eye really wide, and laughed like a crazy man as he used his finger to move it back and forth.

"NOOOOO"! Chris screamed. "MY SISTER USED TO DO THAT TO ME"!

"THEN TALK, DAMN YOU"! Liquid yelled.

Chris started crying.

"I'm not Mr. Bond". He sobbed. "I'm Chris, and we haven't been following you". "I only came here because we need to borrow your plane".

"MY PLANE"? Liquid yelled. "HAVE YOU GONE COMPLETELY BATSHIT"?

"Liquid"! A woman's voice called. "Stop playing with your friend, and come pick your dirty underwear up off the floor before I throw them out on the street... and you with them"!

"Alright, I'm comin"!... "Bitch".

"WHAT DID YOU SAY"?

"I said BIIIIIIIIITCH"! "Loud enough for you"?

Liquid then cut Chris's ropes, and pulled him to his feet.

"Well, fun's over". He said. "Come with me".

Liquid opened the door, and they walked out into the living room of Liquid's house, where the rest of the group was sitting.

"Who the fuck are these people"? Liquid asked.

"My friends". Chris replied.

"We have company"? "Hey Alexia, how about you get some beer for these guys"?

"Hey Liquid". Alexia replied. "How about you jump in front of a speeding truck"?

Liquid was about to respond, when he suddenly locked eyes with Leon.

"Aw crap". Leon said.

"You". Liquid said. "Where do I know you from"?

"Me"? "Uh, we've never met". "Nope, never seen you before in my life, and I certainly never served under you while working for shinra".

He started to sneak toward the door, but then Liquid's eyes widened.

"Get your ass back here"! Liquid yelled. "Private Kennedy"!

(Dramatic music is played).

Leon hung his head, and slowly walked over to Liquid.

"Yes, Sergeant Liquid". He sadly said.

"I'm a Captain now, bitch". Liquid replied. "So this is for disrespecting the rank".

He suddenly honked Leon's nose, pulled his underwear over his head, spun him around, and booted him in the ass, making him eat the floor.

"Ok, now to business". Liquid said. "Why are you all here"?

"Well". Jill said. "We need to borrow your plane".

"How about no"?

"I'm sorry you feel that way". "But before we go, I want to introduce you to Tiggr".

Tiggr suddenly tackled Liquid, making them crash through a table as they went down.

"What the fuck"? Liquid asked.

"HELLO"! Tiggr screamed. "I'M TIGGR, X-F-P-Q-R, something or other, NOW GIVE US A KISS"!

Tiggr opened his mouth wide, but at the last second Liquid pulled the can of mace out of his pocket, and sprayed it down Tiggr's throat. This made the stuffed cat fall over gagging and choking, while Liquid got to his feet.

"Ok". Alexia said. "Enough playing with your little friends". "You have a big meeting with the shinra guys tomorrow, and everything else can be worked out after that".

"Fine". Liquid said. "These cocksuckers can stay the night". "But don't be surprised if they wake up dead".

"How do you wake up dead"? Ashley asked.

"Because you're alive when you go to sleep".

"Oh... but what if you go to bed dead"?

"You can't go to bed dead, stupid... whatever, let's just go to bed".

Liquid then went upstairs with Alexia, leaving the others to fight over sleeping spots.


	7. How To Steal A Plane

Morning came, and Scooby and Tiggr walked back into the house from the garage where they had slept.

Chris and Leon were already awake, and looked like they hadn't slept in days.

"What happened to you guys"? Scooby asked. "Couldn't sleep"?

(FLASHBACK).

Chris and Leon were laying on the floor of the living room, listening to what was happening upstairs.

"What are you doing"? Liquid asked. "What is that"?

"I got it on e-bay". Alexia replied. "Now just relax".

"No way, get that thing away from me".

"Quit being such a baby". "Where's your sense of adventure".

"No, wait, Alexia stop"!

Suddenly the lights all over the house dimmed as Liquid let out a bloodcurdling scream.

"What the fuck is wrong with you"? Liquid yelled as the lights came back.

"What's that"? Alexia asked. "More"?

"No"! "God no"! "Untie me, and let me

He screamed again as the lights dimmed.

(FLASHFORWARD).

"They kept it up all night". Leon continued.

"Great". Scooby replied. "Oh well, better you then me".

"Oh, cheer up, guys". Tiggr said as he walked toward the cabnets. "You just need some coffee".

"NO"! Chris and Leon screamed as he turned the knob.

But it was too late. Tiggr was knocked down as the door flew open, and out jumped a guy with long hair wearing really old fashoned clothes.

"Berry's and cream"! He sang as he started dancing. "Berry's and cream"! "I'm a little lad that loves berry's and crrrrreeeeaaaammmm"!

"Good job Tiggr". Chris said. "It took us three hours to get him back in there last time". "THREE DAMN HOURS"!

They all grabbed the dancing lad, and got him back into the cabnet just in time to see the girls walk out of the spare bedroom.

"What a night". Ashley said.

"Yeah". Rebecca replied. "We should sleep in Jill's room more often".

"Fine with me, girls". Jill said. "Just try not to let your screaming and moaning wake up the boys".

All four of the guy's jaws dropped and they stood there like the drooling idiots they were, until the upstairs door opened, and Liquid came down the stairs with Alexia.

"I knew it". Liquid said. "Not a streight one in the bunch". "And I expected so much more from you, Leon". "Didn't I teach you anything"?

"But I didn't have any chlorophorm". Leon replied.

"Then that's what you get for being unprepared".

"Well". Alexia said. "Since you girls swing that way, I guess you'll have to stay with us for a few more days".

"I love you, Alexia". Liquid said. "Wait a second... there's one missing".

Suddenly the back door was kicked down, and there was Barry. He was covered in dirt, and a human skull was in his hand.

"God damn it, Barry"! Jill yelled. "What did I tell you about digging up graves"?

"Get the fancy ones". Barry replied. "Because rich people like to be burried with their treasures".

"That's right". "I expect better resuts next time".

Suddenly a knock came to the front door, and a fanfare played as David Hasselhoff walked in.

"HASSELHOFF"! Liquid screamed. "I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU"!

Liquid then grabbed a chair, and chucked it at him, forcing Hasselhoff to duck down. Liquid was about to toss something else, when Alexia punched him in the side of the head, making him see stars as he collapsed to the floor.

"Sorry about that". Alexia said. "I guess that he's still mad about the space program being cancelled".

"Oh, he'll get over it". Hasselhoff replied. "But I'm here for a different purpose". "Alexia, your brother is chasing a guy called Sephiroth, and wants to borrow your boyfriend's plane so that he can continue the persuit".

"MY PLANE"!? Liquid screamed as he jumped up. "You think that just because I took the airship mud bogging, you have the right to take the plane that I made out of stolen spare parts, er, I mean that I worked so hard for"!

"Uh, yeah".

"I'LL BREAK YOUR FUCKING NECK, HASSELHOFF"!

Liquid moved to strike, but Alexia put him in a sleeper hold, and held him there until he passed out.

"I have an idea". Jill whispered. "Everyone follow me".

She led them out the back door, to where the Tiny Broncho was parked.

"Ok, everyone on". She ordered. "We're gonna steal this thing while they're in there arguing".

"You are so hot". Ashley replied.

They got onto the plane, and fired up the engines.

"Do you know how to fly a plane"? Leon asked.

"No". Jill replied. "Do you"?

Suddenly David Hasselhoff arrived on the scene.

"NOT SO FAST"! He screamed. "NO ONE PULLS A FAST ONE ON DAVID HASSELHOFF"!

"Oh shit". Scooby said. "Just hit every button you can find until it starts moving".

A few seconds later the plane started moving, and Hasselhoff raised his gun to shoot them, but then Liquid hit him from behind with a rock.

"TAKE THAT, HASSELHOFF"! Liquid screamed. "No one points a gun at my plane"! "And as for you mother fuckers"!

He ran after them as the plane began moving faster and faster toward the edge of rocket town, right past the shinra guys who were waiting in front of Liquid's house. A second later Liquid plowed into Alfred as he ran, making the sissy scream like a girl as he fell into a mud puddle.

"My gun"! He ordered as he got up.

The guard handed Alfred his rifle, and he began shooting at the group as they ran away.

"Give me that". Alexia said as she grabbed the rifle. "Didn't anyone teach you how to shoot"?

She pushed him back into the mud puddle, and aimed the rifle.

"Merry Christmas, Liquid". She said as she pulled the trigger.

Meanwhile Liquid had caught up to the plane as it was lifting off, and using his predator spear as a pole vault, he went up into the air, and landed just behind the cockpit.

"Steal my plane, huh"? He asked as he raised the spear. "Well see how you like this".

Suddenly he let out a cry of pain as Alexia's bullet struck him in the shoulder, causing him to fall into the cockpit, and land on the controls. This caused the plane to do a nose dive, and crash into the water.


	8. Head To The Island

The tiny bronco sat in the middle of the ocean, with the engine dead.

"Great". Liquid said as he bandaged his shoulder. "Just fucking great". "Good job guys, not only did you destroy my plane and give my girlfriend the chance to shoot me, but you also got us marooned in the middle of the ocean, AND I BLAME YOU"!

"ME"?! Chris yelled. "How is this my fault"?

"Because you are the only one that can be blamed logicaly".

"What do you mean"?

"Well, Barry is void of all human brain activity, Jill is a sweet piece of ass, Tiggr is a stuffed toy, Ashley is also a sweet piece of ass, Scooby is a fucking dog, Rebecca is also a sweet piece of ass, Leon is a complete spaz which means he can't be held accountable for his own actions, and I can't very well blame myself now, can I"? "That leaves you".

"Bullshit"! "I'm tired of being blamed for shit that other people do"!

He suddenly pulled back his fist, and punched Liquid in the face as hard as he could.

"That hurt, Chris". Liquid said. "Not physicaly, but emotionaly, and since I can't stand getting my feelings hurt, I'm afraid that I'll have to drown you". "AHHHHHH"!

Liquid suddenly tackled Chris, and shoved his head underwater.

"Now I want you to use your last few seconds of life". Liquid said as Chris struggled. "To think about what you've done".

Suddenly Barry grabbed Liquid, and uppercutted him, lifting him off his feet, and making him crash hard on the wing. Chris then came up gasping for air.

"That's better". Jill said. "I don't recall giving anyone permission to execute Chris". "Now, while you morons were fighting, Ashley told me that her island is not too far from here, so here's what's gonna happen". "You boys are gonna get in the water and kick paddle this hunk of junk, while the girls and I work on our tans".

"Wouldn't you rather I stay up here and help you find it"? Liquid asked as he got up.

"Find what"?

"Your mind, because obviously you have lost it if you think for one second that I'm gonna kick paddle my own god damn plane for you".

"Liquid, did you just question me"?

Everyone gasped.

"Question you"? Liquid asked. "I flat out told your dike ass NO"!

Jill was now red in the face with anger, and she suddenly punched Chris, knocking him on his ass.

"That's what happens to little boys who question me". Jill explained.

"Oh yeah"? Liquid asked. "Leon, show her what happens to little bitches who try to give me orders on my own ship".

Leon suddenly grabbed himself by the hair, and punched himself in the balls, making him scream as he fell over.

"I have to admit". Jill said. "That was pretty impressive".

"Kennedy might be a spaztic retard". Liquid replied. "But he's the loyalist soldier anyone could ask for". "Why I remember the first mission I was on with him about 15 years ago". "This was before I was a pilot, and our mission was a dangerous one".

(FLASHBACK)

"A very merry unbirthday to me"! The march hare sang as the teapots made music.

"To who"? The mad hatter sang.

"To me".

"Oh, you".

"A very merry unbirthday to you"!

"To who"?

"To you".

"Oh, me".

"And now we celebrate it with another cup of tea"! "A VERY MERRY UN

Suddenly a net fell on them, and the shinra special forces slid down on ropes, breaking the table, and smashing most of the teapots.

"Arrest thoes mother fuckers"! A younger Liquid yelled. "And destroy their possessed ass teapots"! "God damn poltergeists are everywhere"!

"Corporal Liquid"! A younger Leon said. "We found this little guy hiding in one of the teapots"!

Liquid looked, and saw that he was holding the door mouse.

"Good job, Kennedy". Liquid said. "Take him out back and have him destroyed". "These unbirthday assholes are gonna wish they had never been born".

(FLASHFORWARD)

A few minutes later the plane was slowly moving as the boys kicked with all their might, while Liquid steered from what was left of the cockpit. Rebecca and Ashley were cracking the whips, and Jill was working extremely hard on her tan.

"Leon". Liquid called. "This is taking too long, so I want you to bend the laws of time and space in order to get us there faster".

Suddenly Ashley's island appeared in the distance.

"Good job, Leon". Liquid continued. "I'm promoting you to Private".

"But I'm already a Private". Leon replied.

"Oh, ungrateful, huh"? "You are hearby demoted to Private".

"I give up".

"Yes Leon, give into despair". "You will find that life as a soldier is much easier once you accept the hoplessness of being forever treated like something less then a human being".

"WHY DON'T I HEAR ANY WHIPS CRACKING"?! Jill yelled.

Chris suddenly screamed as he was struck. Then a few seconds later Tiggr screamed.

"A little faster, Rebecca". Jill continued. "I'm hearing too much time between screams".

"Hey, Liquid". Ashley said. "You should dock us over by that beach, because my village isn't far from there".

"Hey, Ashley". Liquid replied. "You should shut the fuck up, because I'm sick of hearing your mouth".

A few minutes later the plane reached the island, and Liquid stopped it on the beach.

"Well, it's been fun". Ashley said as she jumped down. "See ya later".

She then jumped down, and ran off.

"After her"! Jill ordered.

"Why"? Liquid asked. "Good riddence, I say".

"Ok, but don't blame me when you realize that you missed the perfect chance to see a bunch of hot chicks running across the beach".

Liquid sat there for a second.

"AFTER HER"! Liquid ordered.

They all got off the plane, and started running in the same direction as Ashley.


	9. The Road To Wutai

After an hour or so of walking, the group decided to stop for a second.

"Ok". Jill said. "I'm not saying that we're lost, but does anyone know where we are"?

"You're on the island of misfit toys". A voice sang. "Here you don't want to stay". "We like to kill mother fuckers like you, in horrible nasty ways".

"Well, that can't be good". Scooby said.

Suddenly a giant slinky fell from the sky, and wrapped around Liquid. He then screamed as it sprung back up into the air, taking him far out of sight.

"What the hell just happened"? Rebecca asked.

Suddenly two man-sized rockem sockem robots rose out of the ground. One then held Chris's arms while the other started punching him in the stomach until he lost consiousness.

"EVERYBODY RUN"! Scooby screamed.

Barry started running, but then a wind up mouse came into view, and he lost it.

"MOUSE"! He screamed as he started running.

He ended up running right into a tree, knocking himself out.

The rest of the group started running, and Jill looked back in time to see Leon getting his ass kicked by a bunch of old wrestling buddies, and Tiggr getting gang stomped by the entire cast of winnie the pooh.

But before they could react, Scooby was knocked out when a large rubix cube struck him in the head, and Rebecca and Ashley were carried off by an entire platoon of man-size green army men.

Jill continued running, and was almost back to the plane, when her enemy appeared.

"What the hell are you"? She asked.

"I'm a my size barbie". It replied. "Now how does this feel"?

It suddenly jumped up and kicked her in the head, knocking her out.

A few hours later she opened her eyes, and found that she and everyone else was in a house of some kind.

"Ah, you are awake". A man said. "We almost didn't get to you in time". "The toys on that side of the island can be rather hostile to visitors".

"Who are you"? She asked. "Where are we"?

"I am Ricardo Montoban". "You are in the village of Wutai, which sits in the very center of Fantasy Island".

"The plane"! A small man shouted from outside. "The plane, boss"! "The plane"!

"Excuse me for a second".

Ricardo got up, walked outside, and closed the door.

"The plane"! He yelled again as he pointed to where the plane was now parked.

"Ok, Tattoo". Ricardo said. "Enough with the god damn plane". "I know it's there, because we towed it there".

"The plane"!

"GOD DAMN IT"! "Thirty years on this fucking island, and all you ever talk about is a god damn plane"!

Ricardo suddenly took a gun out of his jacket, and shot Tattoo in the head. He then put it away, and walked back inside.

"Sorry about that". He said. "Now, where were we"?

"Hold on a second". Jill said as she counted everyone. "Someone's missing... Liquid". "Where's Liquid"?

"Who"?

"Liquid, he's about this tall, with stupid goggles on his head".

"Everyone we found is in this room". "I'm afraid that he may have been killed by the toys".

"But we need him". "He's the only one who knows how to operate that plane".

Suddenly the door opened again.

"Hi, dad". Ashley said as she walked in. "Sorry I'm late, I had to ditch some losers by leading them into the toys area... and how long have they been here"?

"You little bitch". Scooby said as he got up. "I'm gonna tear you limb from limb".

"Ashley, I'm dissapionted in you". Ricardo said. "How could you lead them into the toys and not make sure that they were dead, er, uh, I mean how could you do such a thing"?

"I'm sorry". Ashley replied.

"And as punishment you will climb the pangora".

(Dramatic music is played).

"The pangora"?! Ashley exclaimed as the color drained out of her face.

"Yes". Ricardo continued. "And all of them will watch as you get your ass kick, er, as you valiently struggle to reach the top".

He took her by the arm, and everyone followed outside as they walked across town toward a five storie building.

As they were walking they noticed that Jet Li, Goldburg, and Mila Jonovich of the Turks were drinking in the bar. But what they didn't see as they walked into the building was the object that screamed like a girl as it crashed through the bar's roof, and landed on the counter.

As the smoke cleared, the Turks saw Liquid slowly pushing the now streightened slinkie off of himself.

"Captain Liquid"? Mila asked.

"Hey guys". He replied as he tilted his head to see where he was.

He smiled as he realised that he was in a bar. Then he moved so that his mouth was under the nearest tap.

"What better place to crash"? He said to himself as he turned the valve.

Meanwhile back in the building, the group followed Ricardo and Ashley into the first room.

"Let me explain how this works". Ricardo said. "Each floor of the pangora has an exceptional fighter with their own special talents". "You will battle in a no holds bared deathmatch, and should you survive, you will move to the next floor where an even more powerful opponent awaits you".

"Can my friends help"? She asked.

"Oh, are we your friends"? Scooby asked. "I suppose that we can just forget that you led us into a toy filled deathtrap YOU HORRID LITTLE BITCH"!

"No help". Ricardo explained. "Each match is one on one, and will not end until one of you is fucking dead". "Now step into the first room, and face meet your first opponent".

Ashley hung her head, and the others followed her as she walked into the first room.


	10. Climbing The Pangora

They entered the first room of the pangora, and everyone watched as Ashley slowly approached her opponent.

"Who are you"? Ashley asked.

"The orcastrater of your ass beating". She replied. "But most people know me as... Barbra Walters"!

Thunder crashed and horrible scary music played.

"That's right, young person". Barbra continued. "Cower in fear and realise that you don't have a chance, MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA"!

"FIGHT TO THE DEATH"! Ricardo screamed. "READY, GO"!

Barbra Walters screamed as she charged, but Ashley quickly took a knife out of her boot, and tossed it into her head, making Barbra collapse like dry leaves.

It was over.

"Holy shit"! Scooby exclaimed.

"That was extrordinary". Ricardo said. "Not exactly what I expected, but still extrordinary". "TO THE NEXT ROOM"!

Everyone followed as Ashley walked up the stairs, and stepped into another room where another woman was waiting with her back to them.

"Ok, let's do this". Ashley said. "Face me, you coward"!

Her opponent turned around, and everyone gasped as they saw who it was.

It was Mike Tyson wearing a wig and a dress.

"Mike Tyson"? Ashley asked. "You've got to be fucking kidding me"!

"FIGHT TO THE DEATH"! Ricardo screamed. "READY, GO"!

Mike screamed his girly voice and charged, and Ashley reached for her knife, but forgot to pull it out of Barbra Walters head. So she screamed and ducked down, making Mike run right over her, and crash through the window.

He then screamed as he fell, and smashed his brains all over the ground.

It was over.

Ashley stayed down for a second, and then looked up.

"Where did he go"? She asked.

"TO THE NEXT ROOM"! Ricardo screamed.

Ashley looked confused as she got up, but then shrugged and walked to the next floor with everyone following. But as soon as they got there, someone grabbed Ashley by the hair, and punched her in the stomach, making her fall to her hands and knees.

"Hi, I'm Buffy". Her opponent said. "The vampire slayer".

"Let's see her get out of this one". Rebecca said.

"FIGHT TO THE DEATH"! Ricardo screamed. "READY, GO"!

Buffy kicked Ashley in the head, sending her down, and then started kicking her.

"This isn't right". Chris said. "Ashley may be a back stabbing whore, but she is still a member of this team, and she needs help". "Therefore, I will go to that storage closet and get her a weapon".

He ran over to the closet, tore open the door, and then gasped in horror at what he saw.

"Well, long time no see". The bearded lady said. "GET YOUR ASS IN HERE"!

Chris screamed as he was dragged inside, and Ashley's beating continued.

"Had enough yet"? Buffy asked as she took out a stake. "Ok, I'll go ahead and finish you".

She raised the stake for the death blow, but then slipped on some of Ashley's blood, causing her to fall, sending the stake right through her back.

It was over.

"How in the hell did that happen"? Scooby asked.

"You worry too much". Tiggr replied. "Whenever I start to worry, I just pop a few more pills, and suddenly the whole world is magical again".

The door to the closet opened, and Chris stumbled out.

"Way to help out, Chris". Leon said. "What the hell kept you"?

"I don't wanna talk about it". He replied. "Did she win"?

"TO THE NEXT ROOM"! Ricardo screamed.

Once again everyone followed Ashley to the next floor.

"Welcome". Ashley's opponent said as she walked into the light.

"No way"! Ashley exclaimed. "Nanny McPhee"?

"No retard". "I'm Mary Poppins, you stupid two dollar truck stop slut"!

"Two dollar"? "Them's fightin words where I come from".

"Then bring it on, and prepare to be struck down by the awesome power of my umbrella".

Ashley cowered in fear as Mary raised the umbrella, but then lightning struck it, and fried her to a crisp.

It was over.

"I have to confess something". Ricardo said. "These first four fighters were just a test".

"Really"? Ashley asked.

"No, they really do suck that bad, and if they were still alive I would kill them myself". "TO THE NEXT ROOM"!

They walked up to the next floor, where the final opponent awaited in the shadows.

"I'm impressed that you made it here". She said. "But here is where you die".

"Oh yeah"? Ashley asked. "Why don't you come over here and say that"?

Suddenly everyone gasped as Wonder Woman stepped into the light.

"Um". Ashley said. "You guys have any ideas"?

"Yeah". Jill replied. "Try not to die".

"FIGHT TO THE DEATH"! Ricardo screamed. "READY, GO"!

With one punch, Ashley was sent flying across the room, but she was caught by Jill and Rebecca.

"I'm fucked"! Ashley exclaimed. "No one can beat Wonder Woman"!

"Nonsence, you just need something to fight for". Jill replied. "I know, Liquid died because of people like her, and this is your chance to make it right".

"You're right, Jill"! "Now let's win one for the memory of Liquid"!

Suddenly the door opened.

"Hi guys". Liquid said as he walked in. "You wouldn't believe how long it took me to find you".

"Great timing, ass". Rebecca replied.

"Now what am I supposed to fight for"? Ashley asked.

"Your life"! Wonder Woman yelled as she grabbed her.

Twice Ashley was punched in the stomach, and once in the face before Wonder Woman picked her up, and tossed her out the window.

She screamed as she bounced off each floor's roof section, and finally hit the ground with a thud.

It was over.

"You lose". Ricardo said.

"How did you guys get down here so fast"? Ashley asked.

"Don't worry about it". "The fact is that you lost, and are a disgrace to your family". "I hearby sentance you to hang out with these losers until they finish their quest".

"NOOOOOO"!

"Oh, don't be so dramatic". "Well, I'm off to take my nap".

He vanished into another house, leaving Ashley with the group.

Suddenly someone tossed a bag over Chris's head, and he screamed as two guys carried him off.

"No one steals my decoy"! Jill yelled. "After them"!

They all followed as Chris continued screaming.


	11. The Kidnapper Revealed

They chased after the mystery abductors, running away from the pangora, and back toward the center of town. But as they rounded a corner, Goldburg of the Turks grabbed Leon, shoved him up against the wall, and began punching him in the stomach.

"DESTROY TURKS"! Barry screamed as he raised his gun.

"Not yet". Jill replied as she pushed it down.

"Well, if it isn't Leon". Goldburg said as he punched. "What did you do with Jet Li, you little fucktard"?

He went to punch again, but Liquid grabbed his fist, and twisted it, making Goldburg fall to the ground.

"Question". Liquid said. "Why are you putting hands on my soldier"?

"Let go"! Goldburg yelled. "I'll put hands on

Liquid kicked him in the chin, shutting him up.

"It was a retorical question, ass". Liquid continued. "That means that either your answer doesn't matter, or I just don't care what it is". "The important thing is that I am the only one authorized to kick the living shit out of this moron, got it"?

"Wow". Rebecca said. "That's out of character".

Liquid was about to kick him again, but suddenly Mila Jonovich grabbed him, and hip slung him, making him crash to the ground.

"Captain Liquid". She said as he got up. "We meet again".

He swung at her, but she side stepped, and kneed him in the stomach. Then she punched him in the ribs, and clotheslined him, knocking him on his back. She was about to start stomping him, but suddenly Leon leaped onto her back.

"Now I've got you"! He yelled.

She responded to this by slamming backwards into a wall as hard as she could, making Leon fall down.

"Christ, I don't have time for this". She said. "Come on, Goldburg".

"What's your hurry"? Jill asked.

"Well, if you must know, Jet Li has been kidnapped by shadowmen, and taken up to that mountain over there".

"Hey". Ashley replied. "Maybe that's where they took Chris".

"Thank you captain obvious". Scooby said.

"Great". Mila continued. "Help us get Jet Li back, and we might not kill all of you". "Deal"?

"Sure, why not"? Jill said. "But if for some reason things go bad, could you start with killing Leon"?

"Fine, see you there".

Mila and Goldburg took off toward the mountain, and the group followed once Liquid and Leon were on their feet.

"Why did you do that"? Rebecca asked as they walked.

"What"? Liquid replied.

"You saved Leon back there". "Have you been into Tiggr's stash or something"?

"NO ONE GETS INTO MY STASH"! Tiggr screamed.

"I may hate Leon with a terrible passion". Liquid explained. "But he's still a soldier under my command". "And besides we've been through alot togather".

"Like what"? Rebecca asked.

"Like that year we spent stationed at the Atlantis base".

(FLASHBACK).

The stargate opened, allowing the team to step through, and it shut down a second later.

"Great". Shepard said. "Another god damn farming planet". "I fucking hate these simple assholes".

"LET'S KILL THEM"! Ronin screamed as he started foaming at the mouth. "I'M SO JACKED UP ON STEROIDS THAT I CAN'T FIGHT THE URGE TO BLOW MOTHER FUCKERS HEADS OFF"!

"Nayh, this place is boring". "And besides you need to get Mckay back to Atlantis to get that injury looked at".

"What injury"? Mckay asked. "I'm not hurt".

Shepard suddenly pulled out his gun and shot Mckay in the foot.

"OH GOD"! Mckay screamed as he fell over. "YOU FUCKING SHOT ME"!

"No I didn't". Shepard replied. "It was thoes cocksucking jenii people or something, but your head injury made you so delirious that you can't think streight".

"What head injury"?

Shepard then hit him with his gun, knocking him out.

"That's better". Shepard continued. "Now, myself, Ronin, and Mckay have to go back to Atlantis, and that leaves you two to explore that settlement over there".

"Yes, Sir". Liquid and Leon said.

"Good, now Sergeant Liquid is in charge while we're gone". "RONIN, DIAL THE FUCKING GATE"!

Ronin dialed the gate, took Mckay through, and then Shapard started toward it.

"Can't you stay, sir"? Leon asked.

"What the fuck did you just say"? Shepard asked as he stopped.

He then walked back over to Leon.

"I, uh". Leon studdered. "Wanted to know, if, um, you could stay, sir".

"Where do you get off questioning me, Private"? Shepard asked. "I'll have you know that if I didn't need to go back to Atlantis and put another pound of gel in my hair, I'd do this".

He did a chop at Leon's neck, but stopped an inch away, making Leon duck down and flail his arms like a moron.

"WOAH, COMIN AT YA"! Shepard yelled as he put his arm down. "That's called Karate, and only two kinds of people know it". "The chinese and John Shepard, and one of them is me". "WOAH, COMIN AT YA"!

He did a fake chop again, and Leon again flailed around like a moron. Then Shepard walked through the gate, and it shut down a second later, leaving Liquid and Leon alone.

"Alright moron". Liquid said as he started walking. "Let's go".

"What are we gonna do, Sergeant"? Leon asked as he followed him. "Are we gonna negosiate a peaceful trade"?

"Not exactly". "I considered doing that, but then I decided that it would be more fun to loot the town, torch it, and blame everything on the wraith".

"Ok".

(FLASHFORWARD).

"That's horrible"! Ashley yelled. "You killed a whole town"?

"No". Liquid replied. "The wraith did it". "Weren't you listening"?

"HOW COULD THE WRAITH BE SO CRUEL"?! Barry screamed.

"Don't cry, Barry". Tiggr said. "Here, have one of these".

Tiggr took out a small bag of pills, but then Barry grabbed it, and swallowed the whole thing.

"OH MY GOD"! Tiggr screamed. "YOU JUST TOOK FIFTY HITS OF ACID"!

A second later Barry started seeing strange and twisted colored shapes.

"DEMONS"! He screamed as he started firing.

Then he screamed like a madman, and ran up the mountain, vanishing from sight.

"God damn it"! Jill yelled. "After him"!

They ran up the mountain, and chose a path at random, leading them to a cliff.

"HOW DID YOU FIND ME"? Frankenfurter screamed.

It took the group a second to realise it, but there was Frankenfurter standing right in front of them, with Jet Li and Chris tied to a statue high above them.

"What the hell"? Liquid asked.

"I WON'T LET YOU TAKE MY NEW LOVESLAVES"! Frankenfurter screamed. "NEMESIS, ATTACK"!

"Nemesis"? Scooby asked.

Suddenly the monster jumped down, and roared.

"Oh, crap". Jill said.


	12. Shrine Mountain Battle

Nemesis roared again, and everyone shook with fear, but Liquid had a plan.

"Get him, Leon". He said as he shoved Leon forward.

The monster grabbed Leon, and then headbutted him, knocking him unconsious.

"God damn it, Leon"! Liquid yelled.

All seemed lost, but then there was a horrible battle cry, and everyone looked up to see Barry not only tripping balls, but also running full speed at the monster.

"THE COLORS, NED"! Barry sreamed. "THE COLORS"!

He ran right into the monster, taking it with him as he dove off the edge of the cliff, and slammed into the pillar where Chris and Jet Li were tied up.

The pillar cracked and splintered, then the two men screamed as it fell over.

"Well, holy crap"! Tim Curry yelled as it crashed to the ground. "Was that really nessessary"?

"You're god damn right it was". Tiggr replied. "That silly bastard took all my acid, and I hope he burns in hell".

"No, moron". "I meant destroying a priceless artifact just to beat a monster".

"I don't give a fuck about some stupid mountain". "There are powerful drugs at stake here".

"ALL OF YOU SHUT UP"! Jill screamed. "I CAN'T TAKE YOUR COLLECTIVE STUPIDITY FOR ONE MORE DAMN SECOND"! "NOW I SWEAR THAT I'M GONNA WHOOP THE SHIT OUT OF THE NEXT ASSHOLE THAT SAYS ANYTHING STUPID"!

"Did I beat him"? Leon asked as he woke up.

Jill screamed her rage and started stomping him as Tim Curry started sneaking away.

"Well guys". He said. "It's been fun, but I gotta go".

He broke into a dead run, but soon came to a screeching hault as the Turks appeared in front of him.

"And just where do you think you're going"? Goldburg asked.

"Oh, I was...". Tim began. "Uh, I was, um".

"Going to get your ass whooping"? Mila asked.

"No, that wasn't it". "I was um, uh, um".

Suddenly Jet Li appeared out of nowhere, and shot him in the head.

"Take that, bitch". He said as Tim collapsed.

"That was it"? Mila asked. "After everything he did to you, all you did was shot him"?

"Hey, cut me some slack, ok"? "I just fell 50 stories, and got crushed by a giant pillar".

"So, you killed him, huh"? Jill asked as the group walked up to them.

Suddenly they were interupted by Jet Li's radio going off.

"Attention all shinra personel". Alfred said. "It seems that due to a navigational error, we have been going the wrong way". "The error making navigator will of course be castrated now".

There was a chopping sound, followed by a blood curdling scream.

"Now then, where were we"? Alfred asked. "Oh yeah, Sephiroth appears to be looking for something called the temple of the ancients, whatever the hell that is". "Our sourses say that he needs a keystone to get in, and that some rich guy has it, but that's just silly, so he will also be castrated".

There was another chopping sound followed by a scream as the radio went dead.

"God damn that stupid asshole"! Jet Li yelled. "Let's go, Turks"!

They quickly ran away, leaving the group standing there like morons.

"Great". Rebecca said. "So now we have to go all the way to the other side of the fricken world to get a keystone from some rich guy". "Anyone got any ideas"?

"Leon". Liquid said. "Give me an idea".

"Ok". Leon replied. "How about a show like hollywood squares, but with kids"? "Gary Coleman could host".

Liquid thought for a second, and then uppercutted Leon in the nuts, making him throw up as he fell over.

"Not a bad idea". Scooby said. "But maybe you should go with Jack Nicholson as the host".

"Wait a second". Ashley interupted. "I know of a rich guy on the other side of the world, who might have such a thing".

"You do"? Jill asked.

"Sure". "He lives by that gold saucer place".

"Then it's settled". "Liquid, get the plane ready, we have long journey ahead of us".

"Is this all you people do"? Liquid asked. "Just go on long heroic quests, and wander around the world like bums"? "I mean, do any of you guys have a job, or anything"?

"I have a job". Leon replied.

"So do I". Tiggr said. "I'm a street pharmicist".

"I'm a fricken dog". Scooby said.

"Whatever". Liquid replied. "You're all a bunch of fucking losers". "Let's just get the hell out of here, so I can be one step closer to being done with you assholes".

Meanwhile at the bottom of the mountain.

"HEY"! Chris called. "HELP"! "SOMEONE GET THIS FAT FUCKER OFF ME"!

"DO YOU SEE THE COLORS"? Barry screamed.

"NO I DON'T SEE THE DAMN COLORS"!

After about fifteen more minutes of struggling, Chris got up, and they started folowing the others toward the plane.


	13. Who Has The Keystone

After saying goodbye to the island of wutai, the group ot back on the plane, and for many days the boys kick paddled across the ocean until they were too exausted to go on.

"What the fuck is this"? Jill asked. "Why have we stopped"?

"I can't feel my legs". Chris whined.

"Aw, poor baby". "Can you still feel your back"?

"Yeah, why"?

Chris then screamed as the whip struck him.

"Alright, that's enough". Liquid said as he got out of the cockpit. "You're going about this all wrong".

"What do you mean"? Jill asked.

Liquid opened a secret compartment, and took out a large cooler.

"You see". He said as he opened it. "Loyalty is everything, so in order to increase loyalty, everyone gets free beer".

Everyone cheered as the beer was passed out.

"Alright"! Leon yelled. "Do I get a beer too"?

"No, Leon". Liquid replied. "You're already loyal enough". "Just like oversharpening a knife, too much loyalty will make your soldiers want to kill you in your sleep". "SO YOU WANT TO KILL ME, HUH"?

Liquid then tossed a can, smacking Leon in the face, and making him fall on his ass.

"What the fuck, Leon"? Liquid asked. "You used to be such a good soldier". "Like that time we got selected for the three week starfleet exchange program".

(FLASHBACK)

"These uniforms are gay". Leon said as the turbolift went up. "And why are we wearing different colors"?

"For the last time". Liquid replied. "My uniform is red because I am of command grade, and it signifies my importance". "Your uniform is yellow because you are just an extra body, and will probably get killed on your first mission".

"Well, that sucks".

A second later the door opened, and they stepped onto the bridge.

"Gentileman". Captain Janeway said. "Welcome aboard the USS Voyager".

"Thank you, Captain". Liquid replied. "I'm Staff Sergeant Liquid, and this is Private Kennedy".

He was about to say more, but she stopped him.

"I don't care what your names are". Janeway replied. "What I do care about is the safety of 456 crew members, 445 of which we never see". "I am also the only woman captain in starfleet, which means that I must be as much of a hard ass as possible, and never give into my feelings for my first officer even though the sexual tension between us is so thick you could cut it with a knife".

Suddenly the turbolift opened again, and Ensign Kim walked in carrying a mop.

"I'm sick of this crap". Kim said as he tossed the mop across the room. "Seven god damn years on the same ship without a promotion, and I still get stuck cleaning up whenever Tuvok can't make it to the bathroom"!

"Hey". Tuvok replied. "When you gotta go, you gotta go".

"I am a highly intelligent asian man". Kim continued. "And in the 20th centuary I would be head of my own corporation by now"!

"Aw, poor baby". Janeway replied. "Here, allow me to solve your little problems".

She suddenly drew her phaser, and vaporised him.

"Problem solved". She said as she holstered it. "To your stations, then".

(FLASHFORWARD)

"So,what does beer have to do with loyalty"? Ashley asked.

"Nothing". Liquid replied. "I just wanted to get everyone really drunk, but unfortionatly

He was interupted as Chris stumbled up to him, and put his arm around him.

"I love you guys". Chris slurred. "And I would give my soul to spend a night fucking the shit out of any of these hot ass chicks". "God, I'm waisted". "This reminds me of the time when I was a teenager, and my uncle Bob came to visit with my hot ass cousins, Mary and Jen". "Now I knew that Mary wanted my nuts, and I think Jen did too". "So late that night I felt someone getting under my blanket with me and snuggling up, so I opened my eyes... and there was Uncle Bob".

"So". Liquid continued. "As I was saying, I wanted to get everyone drunk, but unfortionatly I grabbed non-alcoholic beer by mistake".

Everyone looked at Chris, and the color slowly drained out of his face as he realised what he just did.

Later that day they reached the shore, and low and behold there was a single house off in the distance.

"Sweet". Chris said. "This will be easy".

Liquid parked the plane on the shore, and everyone started heading for the house. But when they got there, the door was kicked open, and the whole place was trashed.

"What the fuck"? Jill asked.

A man groaned as he pulled himself out from under the wreckage, then he gasped as he saw them.

"Shit". He said. "You aren't after the keystone too, are you"?

"What happened here"? Scooby asked.

"That fucker from gold saucer came charging in here like he was Dr. No, tore the place apart, and took it with him".

"Gold Saucer"? Jill asked. "He must mean that Wesker guy". "What did he do with the keystone"?

"WESKER"! Barry screamed as he raised his gun.

He then pulled the trigger, and blew the man's head off.

"GOD DAMN IT, BARRY"! Everyone screamed.

"Shit". Rebecca said. "Now we have to go back to gold saucer to find that thing".

Everyone groaned as they remembered what happened last time.

"Oh, stop it". Liquid said. "Sure there is a small chance of getting framed for murder and sent into a hellish prison, but what are the odds of that happening"?

Everyone just looked at him.

"Did I mention that I have a gold pass"? Liquid asked.

Everyone cheered as they started running for the gold saucer trolly.


	14. Return To Gold Saucer

After walking back across the small river, and once again getting chased out of Barry's hometown, the group found themselves on the sky train that would take them back to gold saucer.

"I can't wait to get back there". Rebecca said. "And maybe this time I'll get to go on a ride or two before Chris fucks everything up".

"It wasn't my fault last time". Chris argued. "Barry got us all arrested, remember"?

"Yes, but what did you do to stop it"?

"Uh, well I, um... nothing".

"Exactly, so you're just a guilty as him".

Suddenly there was a sound of glass breaking as Liquid finished his latest bottle, then he got up and grabbed the controls.

"What are you doing"? Jill asked.

"I hate long waits". Liquid replied. "So I'm gonna get us faster by taking her in manualy".

"But you're drunk". Scooby argued. "You'll get us all killed".

"I am so"! "And I'll have you know that I was trained by the greatest pilot to ever sail the seven seas".

(FLASHBACK)

"Good morning, sir". Liquid said as he entered the cockpit. "Lieutinant Liquid reporting for flight school as ordered".

"I DON'T GIVE A FUCK WHO YOU ARE"! Han Solo screamed. "Just shut the fuck up and sit down before your loud ass hurts my hangover anymore then it has to"!

Liquid sat down, and Solo began pushing buttons.

"Ok, dumbass". He said. "Your first lesson will be to watch as I conduct a routine fly over of a refugee ship which is transmitting a distress signal". "Now the key is to wave the flag of peace, get all the hot women aboard, and then open up on the ship with both barrels".

"Captain Solo". Liquid replied. "I think that you may be a man that I can work for".

(FLASHFORWARD)

"Hold on"! Liquid yelled. "We're coming in hot"!

He hit the throttle as hard as he could, and everyone screamed as the sky train flw toward gold saucer.

A second later it crashed, derailing the train, and sending everyone flying through the windshield.

"Well, that was fun". Liquid said as he walked out of the wreckage unharmed.

"Why aren't you hurt"? Jill asked as everyone slowly started getting up.

"Because it's a proven fact that drunk people always survive crashes".

Suddenly the front door was kicked open, and Wesker walked out.

"Excelent piloting job, Liquid". He said. "Welcome back to gold saucer everyone".

"Wait a second". Ashley replied. "He just wrecked your train, and you aren't mad"?

"Are you kidding"? "Not only do I have an excuse to replace that damn thing now, but I'm also gonna make a fortune from the insurance".

"Mr. Wesker". Scooby said. "Since we have you here, do you have a keystone"?

"Damn, you guys work fast". "I just got it this morning, but if you want it, you'll have to do something for me".

Everyone looked at Ashley.

"No way". She said. "Dad had me do that once to pay the rent".

"Not that, you gutter trash whore". Wesker explained. "I meant that I want one of you to entertain me in the battle square".

Everyone pointed at Chris.

"Well". Chris replied. "It looks like it's once again time for a hardcore ex-SOLDIER like me to save the day, and collect the treasure in order to protect the world, and to get into Rebecca's pants".

"You don't understand". Wesker continued. "The choice will not be made by you". "You will follow me to the battle square where a complex computer will asses your battle strength, and the strongest will face one of my champions". "This way, please".

They followed Wesker back through the door, and down the tube that led to the battle square.

"Good, you made it". Wesker said. "This is Herb, the most sophisticated computer ever to be created by Apple". "Say hello, Herb".

The machine sparked, and a bunch of cogs flew out.

"Good". Wesker said. "He likes you". "Now I want you to walk by that sensor one by one, and you will be assessed".

Chris was the first to walk by, but when he crossed the sensor beam, a net shot out, making him scream as he was pinned to the wall.

"Whoops". Wesker said. "I forgot to turn off the security system". "Just imagine what would have happened if I had remembered to reload the tennis ball launcher". "Why something like this could have happened".

He took out a tennis ball from under his shirt, and dropped it inside. The ball was then launched right into Chris's nuts, making him scream and pass out.

After pushing Leon through to make sure it was safe, the others filed through one by one. Then once the last one was through, a sheet of paper was printed off, and Wesker picked it up.

"Let's see". He said as he read it. "It appears that the strongest of you weak asses only has a battle strength of 10,000". "Now normally I would have you executed for disgracing my arena with such weakness, kind of like what happened to that guy over there".

They looked and gasped as they saw a man who had been folded in half and stuck to a giant dartboard with a spear through his head.

"But I'm feeling generous today". Wesker continued. "So I will let your strongest man fight one of my champions after all". "Captain Liquid will follow me, and the rest of you will recieve box seats".

"Wait a second". Scooby said. "How the hell is that drunken moron the strongest"?

"Quiet, Scooby". Rebecca whispered. "Do you really want to fight someone that was hired by this maniac"? "Besides, I'm sure that one of us can figure out how to operate that plane".

"Now". Wesker said. "If there are no more interuptions".

Liquid followed Wesker toward the arena, while the others went to the seating area.

"Hey"! Chris screamed. "I'm still stuck here"! "HEY"!


	15. Battlesquare Entertainment

The crowd cheered as Liquid stepped into the arena.

"Ladies and gentilemen". Wesker said on the intercom. "Introducing first, the challenger". "All the way from Rocket Town, let's hear it for the best and most corrupt pilot in shinra... Captain Liquid"!

The crowd cheered again as Liquid raised his arms.

"And now, ladies and gentilmen". Wesker said as scary music started to play. "I present to you gold saucer's very own heavyweight champion". "All the way from the planet Apokolips, let's hear it for Lord Darkseid"!

"WHAT"?! Liquid yelled.

His enemy stepped into the light on the other side of the ring, and Liquid's jaw dropped as he saw that it was in fact Darkseid.

"Hello, Liquid". Darkseid said.

"Uh, hi". Liquid replied. "Long time, no see, huh"?

"Now, normaly I wouldn't interupt my search for the anti-life equasion, but when I heard that you would be fighting, I just couldn't resist the chance for a little payback".

"Payback"? "Oh come on, you aren't still sore about that... are you"?

"Oh yes, and now I will castrate you in revenge for what you did to me 3 years ago".

(FLASHBACK)

The PT cruiser rolled slowly through the full parking lot of Sears.

"God damn holiday shoppers". Darkseid grumbled as he searched for a spot. "I fucking hate christmas".

After another hour he was about to give up hope, but then he saw it. There was a spot that had just opened.

So he hit the gas, and was just about to the spot, when a motorcycle flew in front of him, and took it.

"That was a close one". Liquid said as he took off his helmet. "Better luck next year, Darkseid, HAHAHAHAHAHA"!

"No". Darkseid said as Liquid walked away. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"!

(FLASHFORWARD)

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO"! Darkseid continued screaming. "I'M GONNA RIP YOUR BALLS OFF"!

"Round 1". Wesker said as the bell rang. "Ready, go"!

Liquid extended his spear and stabbed, but Darkseid caught it, pulled it out of Liquid's hands, and smacked him in the head with it. He then tossed the spear aside, and kicked Liquid in the stomach, lifting him off the ground, and making him slam into the wall.

"This is insane". Scooby said as Darkseid began stomping Liquid. "Leon, aren't you gonna help him"?

"Are you kidding"? Leon asked. "I've been waiting 15 years to see something like this happen to him".

Darkseid stomped one more time, before lifting Liquid over his head, and slamming him hard on the ground.

He was about to start punching, but then the bell rang, and Liquid dragged himself to his corner.

"You're still alive"? Chris asked.

"There's like... three of him". Liquid replied.

"That's ok". Rebecca said. "Just aim for the one in the middle".

"Round 2". Wesker said as the bell rang. "Ready, go"!

They pushed Liquid back into the ring, and he ran right into Darkseid's fist, making him do two back flips before hitting the ground.

"You have no idea how good it feels to kick your ass". Darkseid said as Liquid started getting up. "But since you are such a pussy, I will give you one free hit".

"Really"? Liquid asked. "Thanks".

Knowing that Darkseid was a lying bastard, Liquid faked a punch, so that when he went to block, Liquid quickly pulled his leg back, and slammed his foot into Darkseid's nuts.

For a second it looked like Darkseid was going to fall over, but instead he grabbed Liquid's arms, and suplexed him.

"So". Darkseid said as he got up. "You like kicking people in the nuts, huh"?

He then grabbed Liquid by the hair, stood him up, and began kicking him in the nuts.

"Not so fun from this angle, huh"? Darkseid asked. "Have you had enough yet"?

"Uh". Liquid replied. "Yeah".

"Good, so now I can finish you off with my omega beams".

(Dramatic music is played)

He shoved Liquid across the ring, and fired his omega beams just as Liquid turned around. Liquid then crossed his arms in front of himself, but instead of being vaporised, the beams bounced off his wrists, and flew into the stands, killing hundreds of innocent bystanders.

"What"? Darkseid asked.

Everyone looked and saw that where the sleves had burned off of Liquid's jacket, he had a grey metal bracelet on each wrist.

"You like them"? Liquid asked. "I stole them from wonder woman after she tossed Ashley out the window".

Darkseid screamed his rage and charged, but then the bell rang, and they went to their corners.

"You're doing good, Liquid". Tiggr said.

"Are you kidding me"? Liquid asked. "I'm getting my ass kicked out there"! "I'm gonna throw in the towel"!

"Oh, no you're not". Rebecca replied. "I want that keystone, so you are gonna get back in there and take your ass kicking like a man".

"Like hell I am". "You want the god damn keystone so bad, then YOU try fighting this gargantuan mother fucker".

The bell rang, and Liquid tried to escape, but the others grabbed him.

"Final Round". Wesker said. "Ready, go"!

The others pushed Liquid back into the ring, and Darkseid grabbed him. He then started headbutting Liquid again, and again, and again. Then after one more headbutt, Darkseid let go, and Liquid colapsed to the floor.

"And now". Darkseid said as he raised his fists. "The killing blow".

All seemed lost as Darkseid raised his fists up higher and higher, but then Liquid felt his hand close around something.

"THIS IS THE END"! Darkseid screamed as he brought his fists down.

But at the last second Liquid brought up his spear, and extended it, sending the point right through Darkseid's head.

The crowd was silent as Darkseid fell over.

"Holy crap"! Chris yelled. "He fucking did it"!

"Oh, god damn it". Wesker grumbled. "I guess that Liquid is the new champion of gold saucer".

"I'M ALIVE"! Liquid yelled.

"Alright, here's your damn keystone".

He tossed the stone to Jill, and then started walking away.

"Oh yeah". Wesker continued. "Defeating a champion also wins you and your guests a free stay in the hotel".

"Great". Jill replied as she pocketed the stone. "I guess we should head to the hotel... Barry, pick up our garbage".

They started walking toward the hotel tube, and Barry picked Liquid up off the floor.

"He headbutted me". Liquid said as they left. "Did you see the size of his fricken skull"? "I should be dead right now".


	16. A Room For The Night

After jumping down another tube, the group found themselves in a dark and stormy graveyard.

"What the hell"? Rebecca asked. "This don't look like no hotel".

Thunder crashed, revealing a large and scary building off in the distance.

"There it is". Jill replied. "Let's go".

"Great idea". Scooby said. "Have you ever seen psyco"?

"Would you rather stay in this graveyard"?

"Well... no".

"Then let's go".

They walked up the path, and the large door opened on it's own as they approached.

"Don't worry, Ashley". Leon said as he put his arm around her. "As an ex member of the Turks, I will protect you from the horrors unknown, and all I ask for in return is that you slob on my knob for a few minutes tonight".

Suddenly a man with a noose around his neck dropped from the cieling, making Leon scream and jump into Ashley's arms.

"Wonderful". She said as she dropped him. "I feel really safe with you around".

"I guess that he's the desk clerk". Jill said as she walked up to him. "Excuse me, we need a room".

He said nothing as he swung back and forth on the rope.

"Dead". She continued. "Well, I guess there's always a risk of death when you jump from the roof with a rope around your neck, huh"?

"THE DEAD ARE RISING"! Barry screamed.

"No they're not". Liquid replied. "Put me down".

Barry dropped Liquid on a coffee table, shattering it.

"I meant on my feet, jackass". Liquid said as he got up. "And just for that, the dead ARE rising".

"MY GOD"! Barry screamed as he drew his gun. "IT'S A ZOMBIE NIGHTMARE"!

He then started firing wildly as he smashed the door down, and ran back down the path screaming like an asshole.

"What did you do that for"? Jill asked as she walked over to him.

"He dropped me on a fricken coffee table". He replied. "Normaly that wouldn't bother me, but after getting my ass stomped by Darkseid to get your damn keystone, things hurt a bit more".

"Oh, you mean like this"?

She palm struck him in the head, making him fall on his ass.

"Leon, defend"! Liquid yelled.

Suddenly Leon came charging out of left field, screaming like a maniac with full intent to destroy everything in his path.

Jill responded to this by simply stepping out of the way, causing Leon to run right past her, and slam full force into a grandfather clock.

"I'm ok". He said from underneith the wreckage.

"Guys, stop it"! Tiggr yelled. "This family is tearing itself apart"!

He then ran screaming up to one of the rooms.

"Good job, Liquid". Jill said. "Look what you did to Tiggr".

"I don't give a fuck". Liquid replied. "You're all a bunch of douchbags, and I need a nap".

Liquid then walked up the stairs, and vanished into one of the rooms.

"I think we should all go to bed". Scooby said. "We can start fresh in the morning".

"You guys go ahead". Jill replied. "I have to find Barry".

Suddenly the office door was kicked open, and there was an unholy roaring sound as a mummy walked out.

"A mummy"? Ashley asked.

"Who dares"? The mummy asked as it walked toward them. "To enter the sacred tomb of the phar

He was interupted as a window shattered, and Barry flew back into the main lobby. He then kicked the mummy in the nuts.

"OH, JESUS"! The mummy screamed.

Barry punched him in the head, then began chopping him at the base of the neck, his eyes getting more bloodshot and him drooling more with each chop.

"OH GOD STOP"! The mummy screamed.

(CHOP)

"THERE'S NO NEED TO

(CHOP)

"MERCY

(CHOP)

Barry chopped him one more time, and knocked him to the ground. Then there was a zipping sound, and everyone cringed at what happened next.

"Was that really nessesary"? Scooby asked.

"You never fight a mummy before"? Ashley asked. "You have to defile them completely or they come back to life, duh".

"Hey, wait a second". Rebecca said as she examined the bandage. "This isn't centuarys old wrap". "It's toilet paper".

"Ah ha"! Chris yelled. "So the mummy was new and improved, then".

"No dumbass". Leon replied. "It means that the mummy has trouble making it to the bathroom on time, so he wanted only the most squeezably soft toilet tissue on the market".

Rebecca sighed as she walked up to them, and slapped them both with one swing.

"No, idiots". She explained. "It means that Barry just mutilated a god damn carnival performer". "Did you forget that we are in a haunted hotel"?

"Haunted"? Chris and Leon asked.

"I give up". "Everyone just go to bed".

She grumbled as she walked up the stairs, and a few minutes later everyone followed.


	17. The Deal For One Date

Thunder crashed, causing Chris to shriek and hide under the blanket.

"Get a grip, Chris". He said to himself as he came out from under the blanket. "You can't let a little lightning scare you". "After all, you ARE a hardcore ex-SOLDIER mercenary, sought after by beautiful young women, and sometimes confused young men, far and wide".

After a minute or two, his confidence was restored, and he jumped out of bed.

"HA HAAAAA"! He yelled as he pointed out the window. "You thought that you could frighten me away with your loud noises, and flashy special effects, but you were WRONG"! "Because when I see a storm I'm like, what's up bitch, and the storm's like, nothing much sir, and I'm like, that's right bitch now go make me a sandwich". "For I am the greatest and most powerful force that this world has ever seen, and let it be known that no monster can stand against my might, and no woman can resist my

Suddenly he felt a hand on his shoulder, making him scream like a girl, and hide under the blanket.

"Me and my big mouth". He said as he cowered. "Why did I have to get a room by myself"?

Suddenly the blanket was ripped away, and he continued to scream as he flailed his arms around like a crazy ass.

"Please don't kill me"! He screamed. "I'll do anything you want, just don't make me die a virgin"!

This went on until he was slapped in the face.

"What the fuck is wrong with you"? Rebecca asked.

"Oh, hi Rebecca". Chris said. "How much did you hear"?

"Nothing that surprised me". "In fact your insane rambling was how I found your room so easily".

Chris stood there for a second as if completely dumbstruck.

"Why were you looking for my room"? Chris asked.

"Well, remember when we first met back in that church"? She asked. "I said if you were my decoy, er, my bodyguard that I would go out with you once".

"Uh, ok".

"Now normally I promise people things and then leave them high and dry, but the thought of owing something to you is more then I can bare". "Long story short, you and I are going on a... date".

It took a second for her words to register in Chris's mind, but once they did about 5 minutes later, he started jumping up and down while cheering for himself.

"Calm the fuck down". She ordered.

He instantly stopped.

"That's better". She continued. "Now let's get this over with". "Come with me".

He followed her out of the room, down the stairs, away from the hotel, and down another transport tube which put them back in the arcade area of gold saucer.

"Alright, listen up". She said. "The first thing you will do is win me a cute little teddy bear". "Ready, go".

Chris looked at the crane game machine for a second.

"I don't know". He said. "I'm not very good at this".

In response to this, Rebecca decided to boost his self confidense by punching him in the stomach, and grabbing him by the shirt collar.

"Maybe you didn't hear me". She continued. "I want a cute little teddy bear, and you re gonna win me one or I'm gonna break your god damn jaw, got it"?

"Yes, maam". He quickly said.

"Good boy".

She shoved him back to the machine, and he put a gil into the slot.

"Ok". He said as he worked the crane. "Nothing to it, just move over the bear... ok, now a little to the left... ok, now down... and close... and lift... oh, thank god... now back to the shoot... OH, DAMN IT"!

"Is that failure that I hear"? Rebecca asked as she walked up to him. "Don't get discouraged Chris, there is still a way to get the prize".

"There is"?

"Yes, allow me to show you".

She then grabbed his head, and slammed it into the glass, shattering it, and allowing her to grab the bear as Chris fell to the floor.

"OH GOD, MY HEAD"! He screamed.

"You're the best, Chris". Rebecca replied as she looked at the bear. "It's so cute, and fuzzy... anyway, let's move on".

It took a second, but once he got to his feet he followed her down another tube, leaving them at the gondola ride.

"YEA"! Rebecca yelled. "Let's ride the gondola"!

"I think I'm hurt". He replied.

"Let me explain something to you, Chris". "I want to take a romantic ride on the gondola, so that I can see every inch of gold saucer and how beautiful it is at night". "What does this mean to you, you might ask". "It means that if you ruin my romantic mood, I'm gonna sacrifice you to the heithen gods, do you understand me"?

She pushed him into the gondola before he could say anything, and a second later it started moving.

The gondola went up, and all around gold saucer, letting them see fireworks, night chocobo races, and the glow of gold saucer, all the while Chris and Rebecca sat in silence.

"I've been thinking, Chris". She said.

"About what"? He asked.

"It's no secret that you are a completely worthless and ineffective moron... but you've always been there for me even when it means getting your ass kicked, dressing in drag, getting your ass kicked some more, and not even counting the abuse you take from me". "You rush into danger head on, knowing damn well that you don't have a snowball's chance in hell of victory, even if it means getting humiliated or worse".

"What are you saying, Rebecca"?

"I guess I'm trying to say... thank you".

Suddenly the gondola rocked forward, making Chris fall on top of her.

"Get off me"! She yelled as she kicked him back into his seat.

He fell back into his seat, causing the gondola to rock backwards, making her fall right into his arms.

"I, uh". He said.

"Um". She replied.

They closed their eyes, and slowly leaned in for a kiss as the gondola came to a stop.

Chris couldn't believe it. He was about to kiss a girl who was not only alive and consious, but was also really a girl.

Closer...

Closer...

They were just about to kiss, when suddenly the gondola door was ripped open.

"There you are"! Liquid yelled as he and Leon grabbed him. "You're comin with us"!

"NO"! Chris screamed as they dragged him away. "NOOOOOOO"! "YOU CAN'T DO THIS"! "I LOVE YOU REBECCA"!

Rebecca turned around and smiled as Chris was dragged out of sight.


	18. Performers Of Gold Saucer

"NO"! Chris continued screaming. "I was so close"! "And I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you meddeling kids and your damn dog"!

"Are you about finished"? Liquid asked.

"As a matter of fact I am". "Now what the hell is going on around here"?

They released him, making Chris fall on his face.

"Ok, here's the situation". Liquid explained. "Aside from the fact that I just saved you from a grusome death, I have discovered a way for us to make a shit ton of gil".

"Grusome death"? Chris asked as he got up. "What the hell are you talking about"?

"Well, when Leon told me that it looked like you were about to kiss Rebecca, I knew I had to act fast or it would be too late for you".

"What do you mean"?

"I figured that the chances of you getting to kiss a sweet piece of ass like her while she was both alive and consious were less then nothing". "The only alternitive reasons for you to kiss her were for her to poisen you with her venom filled lips, or to stab you in the heart with a fricken screwdriver like in that movie Basic Instinct".

Chris gritted his teeth, and became red with fury.

"God damn it, Liquid"! He yelled. "Didn't you stop and think that there might have been even the slightest chance that me and Rebecca were falling in love and that it was a kiss that would seal the deal for me"?

Liquid and Leon looked at eachother for a second, and then started laughing.

"Good one, Chris". Liquid said. "Now, in order for you to show your gratitude for us saving your life, you are gonna aid us in winning the grand prize of 300,000 gil".

"I fucking hate you"! Chris yelled. "What you have done is unforgivable, and I will not rest untill I have... did you say 300,000 gil"?

"Yes, and all you have to do is go on stage with us and perform in a little talent show". "We had someone else, but Leon shot her".

"SHE WAS CHEATING"! Leon screamed.

"God damn it Leon, you can't cheat at a FUCKING SLOT MACHINE"!

"So". Chris said. "What is our act"?

"Don't worry, everyone does the same thing". "Some story about a princess getting kidnapped by a dragon or something like that". "So, let's go".

They jumped down another tube, taking them to a large theater. Then they ran back stage, and got into costume just as the group before them was finishing.

"Very nice". The announcer said. "Good thing this isn't american idol, or Simon would have a field day with their asses". "Now let's give a big hand to our next group of performers, Liquid, Leon, and Chris".

The crowd clapped as the curtain raised, and there stood a king and his wizard.

"Oh no". The king said. "The princess has been kidnapped once again by another horrible dragon". "Christ, that bitch comes practicly comes with her own ransom note, huh"? "What should we do, great wizard"?

"I don't fucking know". The wizard replied. "Don't you know that in these stories that only the hero can accomplish anything"? "Everyone else is just a weak and pathetic sheep, just waiting for a great hero to arrive and save us".

"Did someone say hero"? A voice said.

Liquid walked onto the stage in knight's armor.

"I am the great hero". Liquid continued. "I will journey to the dragon's cave, and there I will kick him in the nuts, and then jack him in the head with a rock until he fucking dies". "All I ask in return is for 10 barrels of your finest wine, your entire treasurey, and any 5 women that I want from your entire kingdom".

"Oh, horror"! The king yelled. "The dragon approaches"!

Suddenly there was a roaring sound, and Leon jumped out in a dragon costume, holding Chris, who was wearing a princess costume.

"Good night"! Liquid exclaimed. "You guys risk your lives over a princess that lookes like THAT"? "That's almost as bad as Popeye and Bluto always fighting over Olive Oil". "I mean they must have been out to sea for a very long time, if you know what I mean".

"Oh, help"! Chris yelled. "Save me from the horrible dragon... why the hell do I always have to wear the dress"?

"SILENCE"! Leon replied. "For I am the horrible dragon, with powers beyond the limits of mortal men"!

"What kind of powers"? Liquid asked.

"Well, how about the power of flight"? "Does that do anything for ya"? "And don't forget about my ability to kill a yak at 200 yards... WITH MIND BULLETS"! "That's telekenesis, right there".

"Sorry". The king said. "Our hero is not impressed".

"Bullshit, I'm not". Liquid replied. "He's got fricken mind bullets".

"That's right". Leon continued. "And now taste the power of my magical fire breath"!

He then pulled out his gun, and shot the king in the head.

HOLY SHIT"! Liquid yelled. "HIT THE DECK"!

He and Chris dropped to the ground as Leon shot the wizard, and then began firing indiscriminatly into the crowd.

"Wow". A man said as the guy next to him's head exploded. "It's so life like".

Soon the crowd was in a full panic, and once Leon ran out of bullets, he suddenly realised what he had just done.

"Oh god". He said. "Not again".

"No time"! Liquid yelled. "Let's get out of here before the guards show up"!

The three of them ran off the stage, and tossed their costumes away as they ran.

"God damn you, Leon". Liquid said once they were safely away. "You just cost me 300,000 gil"! "And now I'm gonna take it out of your ass"!

He was about to begin Leon's beating, when Chris spoke up.

"Isn't that Tiggr"? He asked.

They looked and saw that Tiggr was sneaking toward the transport tubes...

And he was holding the keystone.

"Hey, Tiggr"! Chris called.

"Oh shit"! Tiggr yelled as he ran. "They're on to me"!

"Why that slimy little bastard". Liquid grumbled. "AFTER HIM"!

Tiggr jumped down a tube, and a second later they followed.


	19. Shinra Spy Revealed

Tiggr led them into the central area, and then jumped down the battle square tube.

"Get him"! Chris yelled.

They jumped down the tube, and got out just as Tiggr jumped into the chochobo square tube.

"They'll never find me in here". Tiggr said as he ran into the building.

A second later Chris, Leon, and Liquid appeared out of the tube.

"God damn it"! Leon yelled. "How are we ever gonna find him in there"?

"Ok, new plan". Liquid replied. "Chris, you check thoes large lockers over there".

"Ok". Chris said.

"And Leon, Tiggr might be disguised as a person, so I want you to cut everyone in half to see if he's in there".

"Right". Leon said as he ran inside.

A second later the screaming began, and Chris cringed.

"Well, what are you waiting for"? Liquid asked. "Check the lockers".

Chris ran over to the wall of lockers, and began pulling them open one by one.

The first one, nothing. The second one, nothing. The third one, nothing. The fourth one...

"It must be fate". The bearded lady said. "GET YOUR ASS IN HERE"!

Chris screamed as he was dragged inside, and the door slammed shut.

A second later people began running out of the building in a panic not seen since the movie War Of The Worlds, and behind them was a blood covered Leon running after them with a chainsaw.

"Hmm". Liquid said. "I wonder where he got that chainsaw".

He continued to cut the screaming people down one by one, until at last, Tiggr sprang out of the last person.

"How did you know"? He asked.

"Well". Liquid replied. "If Arnold Schwartziegger can fool customs officers on mars by wearing a fake woman's head, then a drugged up stuffed animal can atleast get inside gold saucer". "Now you can either give us back the keystone, or I can shove my foot so far up your ass that the water on my knee quenches your thirst".

It seemed like they had won, but suddenly Chris ran screaming out of the locker, and rammed into Liquid, making them fall down the stairs.

Tiggr took this opportunity to run back toward the transport tubes, but came to a screeching hault as the others came out.

"What the hell"? Jill asked.

"It's not what it looks like"! Tiggr yelled.

Jill took a moment to assess the situation. Tiggr was strung out while holding the recently vanished keystone, Liquid was punching Chris in the face, and Leon was covered in blood while holding a chainsaw.

"No". Jill continued. "I think this is exactly what it looks like". "I swear to god, we can't leave you guys unsupervised for 5 minutes without you causing some kind of trouble, huh"?

"BLOOD"! Barry screamed as he looked at Leon.

He drew his gun, and began firing, making everyone have to hit the floor, and giving Tiggr the chance to run away. But as he was reaching the bottom of the stairs, a shinra helicopter came out of nowhere, and he tossed the keystone into it.

By this time Barry had been calmed down by getting a fire extinguisher busted over his head, and a second later Tiggr found himself surrounded as the helicopter flew away.

"Hold it". Tigr said. "I got a gun".

They looked at him, and saw no weapons.

"Not here". Tiggr continued. "But I got one".

Liquid extended his spear, Jill put on her fist-fighting gloves, Barry and Leon pulled the hammer back on their guns, Ashley pulled out her boomerang-knife thingy, Rebecca put a new battery in her tazor, Scooby growled while showing his teeth, and Chris drew his sword while somehow cutting his belt and making his pants fall down.

"Oops". He said as he pulled them up. "But atleast this time I don't need stitches, and that means that I'm improving".

"Shut up, Chris". Liquid ordered. "Now, Tiggr... what the hell do you have to say for yourself"?

"Um...the devil made me do it"?

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean"? A man in red asked.

"Uh, oh".

He and a man in blue walked over to them, went right past Tiggr, and up to Chris.

"We heard what you said about devils". The man in red continued. "What do you got to say now, huh bitch"?

"Um". Chris said. "Do I know you guys"?

"I'm Dante, and this is my brother Virgil". "We're the ones who are about to stomp the living dog shit out of your racist ass, you non devil tolerating cock bag".

"Um".

"What"? "Were you about to say how wierd it is that my girlfriend looks exactly like my mother"? I spend every waking moment of my life battling the forces of evil so that douche bags like you can stay alive for one extra day, and what thanks do I get"? "Some asshole callin me names".

"But I didn't even say anything"!

Dante and Virgil took a step back.

"Do you believe this guy"? Dante asked.

"Un-fucking-believable". Virgil replied.

"Now he wants to yell at us and call us stupid". "Well stupid is as stupid does, you Forest Gump looking mother fucker"!

Dante suddenly punched Chris in the face, knocking him down. Then he and Virgil started stomping him.

Meanwhile, the rest of the group was deciding what to do with Tiggr.

"I'm sorry, you guys". Tiggr said. "They took my drugs, and said I wouldn't get any more until I helped them".

"Really"? Scooby asked.

"No, actually I'm just a drug addicted stuffed toy who is being controled by a shinra manager, but it sounded good, huh"?

"It sure did". Leon replied. "I was gonna guess that you were really William Shatner in disguise". "Man, I was WAY off".

"I don't mean to interupt". Ashley said. "But shouldn't we be helping Chris"?

Liquid looked behind them, and saw Virgil holding Chris's arms while Dante slapped him in the face and gave him a titty twister.

"Nayh, he's good". Liquid said as he turned back around. "So what are we gonna do with stoner-cat here"?

"Well". Rebecca said. "If the shinra have the key, that means that they will get into the temple first". "So we are gonna need all the help we can get to defeat them".

"Alright, you can live". Jill said. "You will help us get rid of shinra in order to survive, but if I even begin to suspect that you are even considering screwing us over, you are gonna end up like Chris over there".

They looked and saw Virgil ramming Chris's head into the slot machines, while Dante collected the coins that came out.

"Point taken". Tiggr replied.

"Great". Liquid said. "Now let's get out of here before the guards show up". "We're already wanted for killing the stage performers".

They started walking toward the transport tubes.

"Hurry up, Chris"! Rebecca yelled as they walked away.

Virgil tossed Chris to the ground, and Dante kicked him one more time.

"Now let that be a lesson to you". Dante said. "Let's go, Virgil".

"Yeah". Virgil said as they started walking away. "Next time we might hurt you".

Soon they were gone, and Chris started dragging himself after the group.


	20. Leaving Gold Saucer

By this time the sky train had been repaired, allowing the group to leave gold saucer, and get chased out of north coral once again.

"I'm so sick of this crap". Scooby said as they walked away from the village. "If I get thrown out of one more town because of you cocksuckers, I'm gonna lose my damn mind up in here".

"Oh, it's not so bad". Liquid replied. "After awhile, getting run out of town becomes a normal part of your day".

"Alright, Liquid". Jill asked. "I just have to ask you something".

"It's not about math, is it"?

"No".

"Then go ahead".

"With the way you are, how did you end up as the most reputable pilot in shinra"?

"Because I'm the best, that's why". "That and the fact that I booby traped most of the vehicals so that if anyone tries to operate them without the codes, they'll get electrocuted until their eyes pop out".

"Ok". Rebecca said. "Now I've got a question". "If all three of you jackasses worked for different branches of shinra, how come you are the only successful one".

"That is a good question". "And to answer it, I will pull up each of our service records on my i-phone, here".

He took the phone out of his pocket, pushed a few buttons, and the information came up.

"Ah, here they are". Liquid continued. "Service records for myself, Leon, and Chris".

"You can just pull them up like that"? Scooby asked. "There's no security protocals, or passwords"?

"I'm an officer, nothing is restricted to me". "Now let's see, Chris first... that's strange, Chris and Leon's service records have been sealed by Dr. Birkin".

"What does that mean"? Ashley asked.

"It means". Leon replied as he put his arm around her. "That I'm the dark and mysterious type that cute little schoolgirls like you spend all day swooning over".

"Get the fuck away from me".

"You want me to leave"? "Or maybe you just want me to think that for now"?

She then took a pepper bomb out of her pocket, shoved it down his pants, and kneed him in the nuts. This caused him to fall over screaming as the pepper bomb went off.

"Aren't they cute"? Barry asked. "It reminds me of my last love... we were so happy until I came home and found her in bed with the mail man, YOU ROTTEN WHORE, I'LL KILL YOU"!

He suddenly tackled Chris, and began beating him with his gun.

Once they managed to calm Barry down, and Leon stopped crying about his burning balls, the group walked until they reached the plane.

"Ok, we're here". Jill said. "Now, does anyone know where this temple is"?

Everyone looked at eachother.

"I do". Liquid said. "Passed it in the airship a few times".

"So where is it"? Jill asked.

"Why should I tell you"? "Ever since I met you guys I've been shot by my girlfriend which I believe implies a breakup, my plane will never fly again, and I got my ass kicked by Darkseid in order to get a keystone, only to have it taken by a drugged up cat". "So I ask again, why should I tell you anything"?

Everyone stood there dumbfounded, and then Liquid started laughing.

"Wow, you guys are gullible". He said. "The temple is on that island right over there". "I can't believe I said all that with a streight face".

"You're such an ass, Liquid". Jill said as they got on the plane.

Once they were on, they kick paddled the plane for an hour until they reached a forest covered island, where a large black pyramid could be seen sticking out of the trees in the distance.

"Seems nice enough". Scooby said they pulled the plane up to the beach.

A few seconds later they jumped off the plane, and were about to enter the forest, when all of a sudden a half naked man holding a vollyball jumped out of the trees, and ran up to them.

"At last"! He yelled. "Someone has come to get me off of this cursed island"!

"Who are you"? Jill asked.

"I'm Tom Hanks, and this is Wilson"! "We've been stuck on this island for 20 years, and finally we have a way to escape, WILSON DISTRACT THEM"!

He suddenly whipped the vollyball as hard as he could, hitting Chris in the face, and sending him down as Tom Hanks ran for the plane.

Jill started to go after him, but Liquid stopped her.

"What are you doing"? She asked. "He's gonna take the plane"!

"No, he's not". Liquid replied.

Tom Hanks jumped into the cockpit, and pushed the starter button. Then he screamed as he was electrocuted to death, and then the ejector seat sent the body into the ocean.

"I told you". Liquid continued. "Now let's get this over with".

He walked into the forest, and a second later the rest of the group followed him.


	21. Entering The Temple

After a short while of walking through the forest, the group came to a clearing, and before them stood a long staricase which would take them into the temple.

"Yea"! Rebecca yelled. "Let's go"!

She started to run up the stairs, but Scooby stopped her.

"Hold on a sec". He said. "Are you sure that this is the right place"?

"What do you mean"? Jill asked.

"Well, this place belonged to the good guys, right"? "But I mean, isn't it kind of dark and forboding"? "I only know of a few kinds of temples that are solid fricken black with scary carvings all over them, and none of them ever belonged to a group of peace loving bunny worshipers, if you know what I mean".

"You suck the fun out of everything, Scooby". Ashley replied. "It's just an old temple that has been abandoned for a million years". "I mean really, what's the worst that could happen"?

Suddenly there was an earth shattering roar from within the temple, and suddenly the ghostbusters ran out.

"Who you gonna call"? Ray asked as they ran past. "Somebody else"!

"Well, that's just great". Liquid said. "So, who's up for going back to costa de sol"?

"Me"! Leon and Barry yelled.

"No one is going anywhere". Jill said. "We have an obligation to the planet to stop Sephiroth and the shinra, even if that means sending Chris head first into a dark and scary temple where he could be skewered by old booby traps, torn apart by creatures that now inhabit the ruins, or eaten by bloodthirsty cannibals".

"Yeah"! Chris yelled. "Wait a minute, what"?

"She said booby". Leon replied.

"Yeah, she did". Liquid replied. "Good call, I almost missed that one".

Suddenly Rebecca started walking up the stairs.

"If you assholes want to stay outside, that's fine". She said. "But you should know that I only give hand jobs to manly men who aren't afraid of a little old temple".

The wind suddenly picked up as Chris, Barry, and Tiggr left a firey trail up the stairs.

"What about you guys"? Ashley asked.

"I'm a dog". Scooby replied. "I don't like two legged things".

"Well, what if she has to crawl under low cielings or something"?

Scooby stood there for a second, and then left his own firey trail up the stairs.

"Wow". Jill said. "And you guys"?

"I run for two things". Liquid replied. "Money and public office".

"Why should I go after her"? Leon asked as he put his arm around Ashley. "I got the girl of my dreams right here".

"More of a nightmare if you ask me". Ashley replied.

"Oh, Ashley, I know that you are used to getting hit on by guys that just want to buy you drinks in order to get you into bed, but I would never do that".

"Really"?

"Yeah, in fact you can buy them".

Ashley responded to this by smacking him, and twisting his arm behind his back, before pushing him up the stairs.

"Or". Ashley continued. "You could go into the temple, while standing in front of me just in case we spring a trap that chopps your fricken head off". "You're so brave, Leon".

"Don't mention it". He said as they went up.

"So". Liquid said. "I guess that leaves just you and me to stand guard while they go in".

"Oh"? Jill asked.

"Yeah, so we should stay close, while trying to fight off the ironic sexual tension between us, but failing horribly in the end, and giving in to our desires".

"You trained Leon all by yourself, didn't you"?

"Sure did". "And I also recently just got out of a rather hazerdous relationship, finalised when my now ex-girlfriend shot me in the back".

Jill just shook her head.

"You know I like girls, right"? She asked.

"I like girls, too". Liquid replied. "Maybe we should work togather on that".

Suddenly a girl's scream came from inside the temple.

"Oh no". Jill said. "Chris is in trouble". "Let's go"!

Liquid started to protest, but she grabbed him by the hair, and dragged him along.

10 minutes later they were still climbing.

"Holy crap, there's alot of stairs". Liquid said.

The scream sounded again, so they picked up the pace, finally reaching the top, and seeing what the screaming was all about.

Chris was screaming in the corner, and Jackie Chan's upper half was slumped against the wall.

"I wonder what the Turks are doing here". Rebecca asked.

"Better question". Liquid replied. "If there is something in this temple that can do THAT to Jackie Chan, what the hell are we still doing here"?

"Key...stone". Jackie gasped. "Seph...iroth".

Then he was dead, and the group just stood there as Rebecca picked up the keystone from the floor.

"Costa de sol, was it"? Scooby asked. "Let's go".

The boys started to leave, but Rebecca stopped them.

"You sure you wanna go"? She asked. "How can you leave three beautiful and defenceless young women to wander the cave alone"? "What if we get trapped down below, and it get's so hot that we have to strip down to our underwear, and make out with eachother to keep our minds off the situation"?

"You promise"? Chris asked.

Rebecca said nothing as she placed the keystone in it's obvious slot, and the doors opened to reveal a primitive elevator.

"You go on ahead". Liquid said as they started getting in. "Leon and I have something to take care of first".

"You mean"? Leon asked.

"Oh, yes". "It's time to achieve greatness".

Leon followed Liquid back out the door as the elevator's doors closed, and it started down.


	22. Ancient Obstacles

After a short elevator ride, the doors opened, and the group found themselves in a dark stone hallway.

"Hold on, everyone". Jill said. "It might be dangerous". "You go first, Chris".

"Why me"? Chris asked.

"Because you're the most expendable, er, I mean you're the bravest and strongest of us, and therefore the most likely to survive the dangers unknown".

"My god, you're right". "Leave it to me"!

He took off running, and soon vanished around a corner. A second later there was a rumbling sound, and Chris screamed as he came back into view, diving back around the corner just before the giant boulder had him.

"Great, more traps". Rebecca said. "And we only have one decoy... what the hell did thoes other two morons have to do that was SO important, anyway"?

Meanwhile back on the surface, Liquid and Leon watched as a slinkie made it's was down the stairs.

"Isn't this incredible"? Liquid asked as the music started. "It's gonna be some kind of a record"! "Oh, what rolls down stairs, alone or in pairs, and makes a slinkide sound"?

"A spring"! Leon sang. "A spring, a marvolious thing"! "Everyone loves a slinkie"!

They linked arms and began dancing around it as it continued down.

"A slinkie, a slinkie"! They sang. "A great and wonderful toy, that's fun for a girl or a boy"! "Oh, what rolls down stairs, alone or in pairs, and makes a slinkide sound"? "A spring, a spring, a marvolious thing"! "Everyone loves a slinkie"! "You've got to get a slinkie"! "Slinkie, slinkie, GO SLINKIE GO"!

Back in the temple, a plan was being formulated on how to get past the boulder trap.

"Here's the plan". Scooby said. "Each of these boulders that comes down has a hole in them, so all Chris has to do is dive under each one at the same time that the hole touches the ground". "This will allow him to get past the trap, and shut it off so that the rest of us can pass safely".

"Hmm". Chris replied. "That might work, except for one thing".

"What's that"?

"You forgot to stop smoking crack long enough to think up a real plan". "There's no way in hell that I can do that"!

"Chris". Rebecca said as she walked up to him. "If you face the trap bravely, and shut it down... I'll sleep with you".

Without another word, Chris charged back down the hallway, and continued running as he rounded the corner and saw the first oncoming boulder.

"Sex with Rebecca"! He said as the boulder got closer. "Sex with Rebecca"! "Sex with Rebecca"! "WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING"!?

He came to a screeching hault, and began running the other way as the boulder got closer.

Suddenly he tripped, and screamed like a sissy girl as the boulder overtook him...

And it went right through him.

He got up and fought the urge to run from the next one, and it too went right through him. So he ran down the hall until he reached a small side room where the control lever was located. He then pulled it, and the boulders vanished.

"You can come out now"! He called. "Super Chris has once again saved the day"!

A minute later the group arrived, and Chris began jumping up and down while drooling.

"Too bad, Chris". Rebecca said. "I said to face the danger bravely, but since a deaf man could have heard you screaming, you failed".

"But, I, um, but"! Chris stammered. "THAT'S BULLSHIT"!

"Oh, you want me to reward failure, huh"? "Just what kind of a slut do you think I am, you piece of shit". "Why don't you just go over into that corner, and do all of us a big favor by offing yourself"?

Chris was about to respond, when suddenly part of the cieling collapsed, and Sephiroth landed in the room, making them all scream.

"HA HAAAA"! He yelled. "I figured that you would follow me into this temple, and now that you are in my grasp, no drugged up stuffed cat can save you now"!

"Get him, Chris"! Ashley yelled as she shoved him forward.

Sephiroth responded to this by doing the vulcan neck pinch, making Chris colapse to the floor.

"Any other takers"? Sephiroth asked.

They all pointed at eachother.

"All of you"? He asked. "Good"!

They all screamed as he raised his sword, but suddenly there was a rumbling sound, and the floor gave out underneith him, making Sephiroth fall into the depths unknown.

"That'll teach him". Scooby said. "Only an idiot would wear spike heals on a thousand year old floor". "I mean, they're just asking for a cave in".

Everyone looked at him.

"I mean". Scooby quickly said. "That's what I heard".

"Ow, my head". Chris said as he woke up. "Did I beat him"?

"Yeah Chris, you beat him". Jill replied.

"Really"?

"NO"! Everyone screamed.

"Wow, say it, don't spray it".

After Chris recieved a few stomps to the head from everyone in the group, they made their way down the rest of the hallway, and found themselves in a large room containing several small cave enterences and one large door.

"Locked". A voice said.

They turned and saw a small yoda looking man standing there.

"The key is around my neck". He continued. "But you bitches will have to catch me in order to get it".

He quickly vanished into a cave, and reapeared out one of the caves on the other side of the room.

"I am getting so sick of these games". Jill said. "Barry...sick'em".

Barry suddenly started foaming at the mouth and barking like a dog as he ran on all fours into the cave.

"OH SHIT"! The yoda man screamed as he ran.

A second later the screaming started, and then it stopped as quickly as it began.

"Wow". Tiggr said. "I almost feel sorry for the little guy".

Barry walked out of the cave with the yoda man's body in his mouth, and spit it out at Jill's feet.

"What happened"? Barry asked. "Last thing I remember, I was dreaming about a large chew toy".

"Oh, nothing". Jill said as she picked up the key. "Shall we move on"?

She put the key into the lock, and it clicked open, allowing them to walk in.

"What the hell is this"? Rebecca asked.


	23. What Is Meteor

Liquid and Leon ran down yet another staircase, emerging out of breath in one of thoes places where the staricases went every direction possible.

"Where are we"? Leon asked.

"Nevermind that"! Liquid exclaimed. "Where did it go"?

They looked around for a moment, then looked up and saw the slinke rolling down one of the upside down staircases.

"How did it get up there"? Leon asked.

"I don't know". Liquid replied. "But I swear to god that if you lose sight of it again, I'll strangle you to death with your own boot laces". "Now where did it go"?

They heard a sound, and looked to see the slinke rolling down another staircase on the other side of the room.

"AFTER IT"! Liquid yelled as he booted Leon over the edge.

But instead of falling down, Leon screamed as he fell up, and slammed into an upside down staircase.

"Damn it, Leon"! Liquid yelled as Leon rolled up the stairs. "Must I do everything myself"?

He took a running leap, but instead of going up, he flew sideways, crashing into yet another staircase, and rolling away as the slinkee changed directions once again.

Meanwhile back in the lower temple, the group entered another chamber that appeared to be designed like a clock of some sort. The clock hands acted as a bridge over a bottomless pit, and each adjoining chamber was marked with a number from 1 to 12.

"So, what do we do"? Ashley asked.

"MUAHAHAHAHAHA"! A voice suddenly boomed, making everyone jump. "I am chronos, master of time and space"! "Behold the 12 chambers around you, and know that each one contains a horrible screaming death for anyone stupid enough to enter... unless you can solve the puzzle of the clock before you"!

The voice went away, and everyone was left stairing at the clock.

"Any ideas"? Jill asked.

"Yes". Scooby replied. "We can go back the way we came, and forget any of this ever happened".

"Ok... and GOOD ideas"?

"Oh, come on". Rebecca said. "This puzzle can't be as hard as it looks". "Obviously we have to move the clock hands to a certain point, and send Chris into the selected passage to see if it's safe".

"Hold on a second". Tiggr replied. "What's that sound"?

Everyone listened for a second, and began to hear what sounded like faint screaming coming from high above them. It got louder and louder, then suddenly Liquid and Leon fell into the chamber.

They crashed right through the clock hands, and continued screaming as they fell into the bottomless pit.

"IMPRESSIVE"! The booming voice screamed. "No one has ever solved it before"!

A bridge suddenly formed between them and the number six chamber.

"Should we go in"? Chris asked.

"No". Rebecca replied. "Let's forget all about this passage, and just use one of our other thousands of options, WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK"?

She pushed him across the bridge and into the chamber as the others followed.

They were now in a room that was well lit by torches, and covered with murals that appeared to tell a story of some kind.

"Do you like the murals"? A voice asked behind them.

They turned around, and screamed as they saw Sephiroth standing there.

"Since we have a few minutes". Sephiroth explained. "I will tell you the story of meteor, and don't interupt, or you'll end up like that guy over there".

They looked and gasped as they saw Jackie Chan's lower half laying in the corner.

"Now". He continued. "Meteor is the ultimate destructive magic, that causes a rock the size of the fricken moon to come flying in out of left field, and slam into the earth like a drunk driver on the highway". "This happens when the proper person uses a rare stone called a Black Materia, which is hidden somewhere inside this temple".

"Why are you telling us this"? Jill asked.

"Well, duh". "I have to give you guys a reason for searching for me, or the people reading this story will eventually lose patience, and this book will end up on the bargain shelf next to everything ever written by R.L. Stine".

Everyone cringed at the thought.

"Now". Sephiroth continued. "You can either find the black materia for me, or I can cut your fricken heads off right here and now". "The choice is yours".

He then vanished, and everyone was left standing there like a moron.

"Good job, Chris"! Jill yelled. "Way to screw your buddies"!

"Yeah, moron"! Ashley added. "Now we have to find this thing, or he'll fucking kill us"!

"What did I do"? Chris asked.

"It's more of what you didn't do, asshole"! Rebecca yelled. "You should have sacrificed yourself so that the rest of us could get away, but no, you wanted to live a long and happy life like a god damn loser"!

"What are you talking about"? "No one else did anything, either"!

"Enough of your excuses"! Jill yelled. "Get him, Barry"!

Chris screamed as Barry picked him up, and tossed him into the wall. But instead of bouncing off, he crashed right through the wall, revealing a long hallway.

"Oh". Scooby said. "Good job, Chris". "Let's check it out".

They all stepped on Chris as they entered the hallway, and once he got up, he followed them.

"One of these days". He grumbled.


	24. Black Materia Revealed

After about 10 more minutes of falling, Liquid and Leon had become bored with screaming.

"You know". Liquid said as they fell. "This whole bottomless pit thing is really overrated".

"Yeah". Leon replied. "Sure, falling forever SOUNDS scary, but what's the point"?

"The point is that you lost sight of the god damn slinke, and now I'll never get that world record". "Just for that I should kill you right now, but since I can't reach you, there's no point in worrying about it".

They said nothing for a few minutes, and then Leon looked down.

"Hey". He said. "What's that"?

Liquid looked down just in time for them to crash through a wooden structure of some kind, followed by a hard slam into a stone floor.

"Ow, Christ"! Liquid yelled. "I think I broke my... everything"!

"Why aren't we dead"? Leon gasped.

"Dead"? "Didn't anyone ever tell you that in stories like this one we can survive almost anything with minimal injuries"? "We should be back on our feet in a few minutes".

A few minutes past, and they were slowly getting to their feet when the only door in the room opened, and a man in a green power suit walked in.

"Well, what have we here"? He asked as he aimed his assult rifle. "A couple of looters here for the rumored treasures of this temple, huh"? "Well bad news, assholes, cause I got here first, and the treasure is all mine, got it"?

"Who are you"? Liquid asked.

"I'm the Master Chief, you sissified tweety bird piece of shit". "Now you two cocksuckers get your hands up, and turn around so that I can shoot you in the back like the ignorant cowards you are".

"Oh yeah"? "Well if you want to make empty threats, then you're gonna have to answer to LEON"!

"Yeah, you're gonna answer to Leon"! Leon added. "Wait a second... I'M LEON"!

"ENOUGH"! Master Chief screamed. "Prepare to fucking die"!

He was about to fire, but then he screamed as he was struck by an energy beam which froze him solid, and made him shatter into a million pieces.

"What the hell"? Leon asked.

"Wait a second". Liquid replied. "Ice beam"? "Who do I know that uses an ice beam"? "...HOLY CRAP, RUN"!

Meanwhile up in the hidden hallway, the group had discovered some kind of 3D display of the whole temple.

"What is it"? Tiggr asked.

"I think it's a puzzle". Rebecca replied. "Maybe if we solve it, we'll get that black materia thing".

"FOOLS"! The same booming voice from before said. "You think that this temple hides the black materia"? "This temple IS the black materia"!

"Then how do we get it"? Jill asked.

"You must solve the puzzle, and then the temple will shrink into what you seek". "But whoever solves it will be crushed alive, MUAHAHAHAHAHA"!

The voice faded away, and everyone pondered what to do.

"Ok". Jill said. "Volenteers to be crushed alive, take one step forward".

Chris suddenly stumbled forward, and fell on his hands and knees.

"Good job, Chris". Jill continued. "Way to take one for the team".

"WHO PUSHED ME"? Chris demanded as he got up.

"Alright, Chris". Rebecca said. "This puzzle is pretty simple, so once we're safely out of the temple, all you have to do is push this glowing red button kind of like this".

She slammed her hand down on the button, and the temple started rumbling. This caused them to scream and run out the door.

The bridge across the pit had shifted so that it led into the number 12 chamber, so they followed it, and came to a screeching hault as they saw what was waiting for them.

It was a large door that had the most evil horrible scary face you could ever imagine.

"WELCOME"! It roared with the booming voice from before. "I must congragulate you on getting past the rocks, solving the clock puzzle, and finishing the 3D display, BUT YOU FUCKERS GO NO FURTHER"! "For I am the demon door, and I will hold you here until the temple crushes your pointless lives right out of exsistance". "So feel free to

Suddenly the door was kicked open from the other side, making a horrible blood splatter as the demon's face was crushed against the wall.

"Crap"! Liquid yelled. "This isn't the right way, either"!

The group followed Liquid and Leon down another hallway, but it turned out to be a dead end.

"What do we do now"? Ashley asked.

"GET DOWN"! Liquid screamed as he hit the floor.

Everyone else dropped down as another ice beam struck the wall, shattering it, and revealing the way out.

The temple was shrinking fast, but everyone managed to crawl out of the temple in time.

"Thank god". Liquid said as they got up. "There's no way for anyone else to get out of there".

The temple got smaller and smaller, then at the last second an orange and yellow sphere the size of a basketball rolled out of the hole. Then everyone gasped as it changed into someone wearing an orange and yellow power suit, just as the temple finished compressing into the black materia.

"This can't be good". Scooby said.

The powersuited person walked toward Chris, and he faced this danger with only the stoutest of bravery.

"PLEASE DON'T HURT ME"! He screamed as he cowered in the corner.

But to the surprise of all, they walked right past Chris, and stopped in front of Liquid, before opening the helmet, revealing a beautiful blonde woman.

"Uh, hi, Samus". Liquid stammered. "I was gonna call you".

"SILENCE"! She screamed as she shoved her arm cannon in his face. "Give me one good reason not to blow your god damn head off right now"!

"Look, there's no need for anyone's head to be blown off". "Why are you always so pissed off at me, anyway"?

"Because you slept with the SA-X, you asshole"!

Everyone got a confused look on their faces.

"Oh, come on, Samus". Liquid replied. "How was I supposed to know that it was an evil parasidic organism mimiking you in every way"? "And I do mean EVERY way". "She even copied that birthmark that you have on your

He was interupted by Samus bashing him in the head with her arm cannon, making him fall over. Then she began stomping and kicking him.

"Hey, Leon". Scooby said. "Can I ask you something"?

"Sure". He replied.

"Ok, you've known Liquid for awhile now, right"?

"Yeah, about 15 years now".

"Ok, so is there anyone on this planet, and I mean ANYONE at all that doesn't want to kill him for one reason or another"?

"Yes, there's thoes priests up in the mountains... wait a second, no, there was that incident with the fire extinguisher". "So, I really couldn't tell you".

"Enough of this crap". Rebecca interupted. "Let's just get the black materia, and get the hell out of here". "Go get it, Chris".

She suddenly booted him down the hole left by the temple, giving him a mouthful of dirt as he landed.

He got to his feet, and was about to grab it, when Sephiroth came out of left field, and grabbed it for himself.

"Thanks, guys". He said. "But before I go, I want to show you something". "Do you remember the picture that was taken 5 years ago in nibelhelm"?

"Yeah". Chris replied. "For the paper, right"? "It was you, me, and Jill".

"Oh it was, was it"? "Well take a look for yourself".

Sephiroth took the picture out of his pocket, and showed it to Chris.

"Ok". Chris said. "There's you... there's Jill... wait a second, who the hell is that"?

In the picture, standing between Jill and Sephiroth was a buff looking guy with a machine gun and wearing a gas mask.

"HA HAAAAAA"! Sephiroth yelled. "Wrap your tiny brain around that one for awhile, and as a bonus YOU GET THIS"!

He then punched Chris in the head, knocking him out. Then he vanished along with the black materia, and there was nothing that they could do to stop him.


	25. Where Is The Sleeping Forest

Chris opened his eyes, and found himself in a misty forest with Rebecca.

"Where are we"? He asked.

"The sleeping forest". She replied. "I figure it's the only place far enough north for me to get the fuck away from you guys without freezing my ass off". "Well, see ya later".

She ran off into the forest, and then Sephiroth appeared.

"Oooooooo, I'm gonna kill her"! He sang. "I'm gonna kill her, and there's nothing you can do"!

Sephiroth began skipping down the path, and everything went dark.

"Bad touch"! Chris yelled as he woke up. "BAD TOUCH"!

"Well, look who decided to wake up". Jill replied. "Nice of you to join us".

Chris looked around for a second. He was on a strange bed in a small house of some kind.

"Where are we"? He asked. "Where is everyone"?

"We came here after the temple became the black materia". She explained. "We're in a small piece of shit village not to far from that ruined reactor we saw right before we met Ashley".

"And where is everyone"?

"Well, you and me are right here because I drew the short straw, er, I mean I volunteered to watch you until you woke up". "Rebecca took off, said something about just not being able to deal with us anymore". "Let's see... Barry, Scooby, and Tiggr are passed out in one of the other houses, and I think Liquid was hurt after that girl beat the shit out of him, so Leon went to check on him".

Meanwhile on the other side of the village, Leon found the house with a large red cross symbol on top of it, and slowly entered, while making sure that no one was watching. Then he locked the door, and smiled an evil smile as he saw his target.

There were no doctors or nurses around, so he was alone with the person in a full body cast who was laying on the bed.

"Well, well". Leon said as he closed the blinds on the windows. "How the tables have turned". "I thought that watching people beat your ass would be enough, but after 15 years of taking your bullshit, it just didn't quite balance out, now did it"?

Once all of the blinds were closed, Leon picked up a fire extinguisher, and walked over to the bed.

"15 years". He continued. "Fate gave you 15 years to torment me, but now that you are helpless, all I need is 15 seconds, NOW DIE"!

Psyco music began playing as he raised the extinguisher over his head, and he laughed hysterracly as he brought it down onto his victim's head again and again, until all that remained was a bloody mess that looked kind of like corn beef hash.

"It's over". Leon said as he dropped it to the floor. "I'm free". "And now I can live my life any way that I want to, HA HAAAAAA"!

Suddenly the toilet flushed, and the bathroom door opened, making Leon gasp as he saw Liquid standing there.

"Leon"? Liquid asked. "What the fuck are you doing"?

"I, um, but, I". Leon rambled.

"Oh, you came to see how I was doing"? "Well, I'm fine, just had a cut from where Samus hit me in the head with her arm cannon". "Hey, you even killed Gary Sinese for me as a get well present"! "Let's go get a beer".

Liquid walked out of the hospital, leaving Leon alone.

"No". Leon said as he fell to his knees. "NOOOOOOOOOOO"!

"I said let's fucking go"! Liquid yelled from outside.

Leon hung his head as he walked out the door.

Meanwhile Chris and Jill had walked outside.

"Excuse me". A man said. "Is that a SOLDIER uniform"?

"Why, yes it is". Chris replied. "Worn by only the bravest, strongest, manliest, and sexyest of warriors who kill horrible monsters by the hundreds, and bang the hell out of every cute girl they can find who is above the age of 15".

"Then how did YOU get one"? "Nevermind, obviously you know some people in SOLDIER, so I was wondering if you know anyone named Hunk"?

"Do I ever"! Jill replied. "He was the only man that ever got into my, er, I mean no, never heard of him".

"Hunk"? Chris replied. "I don't think so". "Unless he was that rookie that we used to kick the shit out of".

"No, couldn't be". The man replied. "He joined SOLDIER about 10 years ago, but we haven't heard from him in about 7, and he was already first class". "Oh well, thanks for listening".

He walked away, and a few minutes later everyone found their way outside.

"So, what do we do now"? Scooby asked. "Sephiroth has the black materia, and we have no idea where he went".

"Have you guys ever heard of the sleeping forest"? Chris asked. "Rebecca said something about it, but I can't remember when".

"The sleeping forest"? Ashley asked. "Are you stupid or something"? "No one who goes in there ever comes out".

"Hey, guys". Liquid said as he and Leon walked up. "I got some good news". "I stole, er, I mean I bought some parts from the locals, and I think I can make the Tiny Bronco fly again".

"Good". Jill replied. "Then we can search by air, and figure things out once we learn something".

"But Rebecca said". Chris argued.

"SHUT UP, CHRIS"! Everyone screamed.

He hung his head, and followed them toward the edge of the village, where the plane was parked.


	26. Heading North

"What the hell is taking so long"? Ashley asked. "Haven't you fixed that damn thing yet"?

"Almost, your highness". Liquid replied from under the engine. "All I need now is for you to put your pretty little finger right on this cap for a second".

Ashley grumbled as she reached in, then she screamed as the electric surge knocked her on her ass.

"I can't believe you actually did that"! Liquid laughed as he got out. "HA HA, what a jackass"!

He closed up the engine, and jumped into the cockpit. A second later the propellers started turning as the engine came to life.

"Alright, let's go". Jill said. "Everyone just grab on wherever there's room, and hang on for dear life".

"SHOTGUN"! Leon yelled as he jumped in the cockpit.

"Wow, Leon". Ashley said as she pulled herself onto the wing. "Why would you want to be in there with him"?

"You'll see".

"What"?

"Oh, nothing". "Just make sure that you hold on really tight... unless you want to sit here on my lap and tell santa just how much of a bad girl you've been".

She just rolled her eyes, and Leon shrugged as everyone else got onto the plane.

"Ok, everyone on"? Liquid asked. "We will be taking off in just a few RIGHT NOW"!

He suddenly hit the throttle as hard as he could, making everyone scream as the plane tore across the field for a few seconds before lifting up into the air.

"SLOW DOWN"! Jill screamed.

"What"? Liquid asked with a grin.

"SLOW DOWN, YOU BASTARD"!

"What"? "Upside down, go faster"? "If you insist".

Everyone screamed again as the plane turned upside down, and seemed to move even faster.

"Oh, come fly with my in an upside down world". Liquid sang. "There's so many strange things to see". "There's upside down people who walk down the street, with upside down shoes on their upside down feet, in an upside down world". "In an upside down world".

"LIQUID"! Ashley screamed. "STOP THIS RIGHT FUCKING NOW"!

"PLEASE"! Scooby screamed. "I'M AFRAID OF HEIGHTS"!

"Wheee"! Liquid sang. "It's fun to be in an upside down world, there's fish that fall out of the sea". "There's upside down clocks that make everyone late, and upside down food that won't stay on your plate, in an upside down world". "In an upside down world".

"Uh, Captain Liquid". Leon said. "I think they're getting pretty mad out there, so maybe we should put the plane right"?

"I have a better idea, Leon". "How would you like to take over the controls"?

"No"! "No, never in a million years"!

"Oh, come on you pansey". "It's really easy, and besides I need a nap".

"What are they doing in there"? Tiggr yelled.

"I think they're switching places"! Chris replied.

"Thank god"! Jill yelled. "I'm pretty sure that this Leon guy will be more sensible"!

"Good night, Leon". Liquid said as he closed his eyes.

"Hey". Leon said as he buckled in. "This IS really easy". "Oh, there's upside down everything all over town". "It all looks so funny that I've got to frown".

"GOD DAMN YOU LEON"! Jill screamed.

"Cause a frown is a smile when it turns upside down". "In an upside down, what side down, whoops side down, oops side down, what side down, upside down worllllllllld"!

Suddenly the plane hit some turbulence, waking Liquid from his nap.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING"? Liquid screamed.

"What"? Leon asked.

"Oh, I get it". "I leave you in charge for 10 damn seconds, and you not only commendeer my plane, but you also take us way of course so that you can sing some stupid song, huh"?

"But, you were singing, too"!

"DON'T SPLIT HAIRS WITH ME, SONNY JIM"!

Liquid took a small can off his belt, and Leon screamed as the mace was sprayed in his eyes. This caused him to smack the controls, sending them into a downward spiral.

They struggled for a few seconds, then Liquid tossed Leon out of the seat, and grabbed the controls, pulling up just before they crashed into a rock. They still crashed, just into the water, once again crippling the plane's engines, making it drift onto the shore of a nearby island.

Everyone let go of the wings, making them fall onto the sand where they all promptly lost their lunch as Liquid and Leon fell out of the cockpit, and into the shallow water.

"What would possess you to crash us"? Liquid asked as he made Leon stand up. "I just fixed the damn thing, and now we're back to square one"!

"Bullshit"! Leon yelled. "You started it by singing with the plane upside down"! "Then you forced the controls onto someone who can't even properly operate a bicycle without crashing"! "And to top it off, you maced me while I was flying"! "SO THIS WHOLE THING IS YOUR FAULT"!

Liquid suddenly smacked Leon in the mouth, and swept his feet out from under him. Then he pushed his head underwater, and held him there for a few seconds before bringing him back up.

"Now you listen to me, you little puke"! Liquid yelled. "I am your commanding officer, so you will continue to take whatever abuse I throw at you, and be damn grateful for the opportunity"! "Do you understand me, Private"?

"Yes, sir". Leon gasped.

"That's better, and to show that there's no hard feelings, not only am I going to spare your life, but I'm also going to take fault for crashing the plane". "You will still be blamed, of course, but since every soldier is a direct reflection of their leadership, I can't help but feel responsible in some small way for your many shortcomings".

He let go of Leon, and walked back onto shore where the rest of the group was waiting. A few minutes later Leon joined them, and it was now time for them to pool their knowledge in order to plan their next move.

"So". Liquid said. "Anyone know where we are"?

"We do". A voice said.

Suddenly a dozen people in knight armor jumped out of the bushes, and tackled them. A few seconds later the group was tied up, and being dragged away from shore.

"To the cave"! One of them said.

"The cave"? Chris asked. "Where the hell are we"?


	27. Knights Of The Round

The group was dragged into a dark and scary cave, then they found themselves being brought before another man in a suit of armor with a gold crown on his head. They were tied up even tighter, and made to sit down against the wall.

"So". He said. "These are the gumby ass mother fuckers that dare to set foot on my island"?

"Who are you"? Jill asked. "What is this place"?

"I'm so glad you asked, my dear".

He and all of his knights ran to the center of the room as music started playing.

"I am King Arthur". He declaired. "This island is all that remains of Camelot, and these warriors before you are none other then the Knights Of The Round"!

The music got louder and started playing faster.

"We're knights of the round table"! They sang. "We dance whenever able"! "We do routines and chorous scenes, our footwork is unstable"! "We dine well here in camelot, we eat ham and jam and spamalot"!

Some of them began running around the room, while the others jumped up and down on the table.

"We're knights of the round table"! They continued. "Our joust, our form, are able"! "Though many times we get mad rhymes that are unpronouncable"! "It's a great life here in camelot, we sing from the diaphramalot"!

They continued dancing around the room, smashing plates, and throwing chairs.

"In war we're tough and able"! They continued. "But indenyably unstable"! "And between each quest we do our best to impersonate Clark Gable"! "It's a fun time here in camelot, we have to push the pramalot"!

They danced for a few seconds more, then the music stopped.

"Wow"! Chris exclaimed. "You guys should open in gold saucer"!

"Flattery will get you nowhere". Arthur replied. "Now, on to the reason we brought you here". "You see, we like to kidnap sorry ass castaways like you, and then kick the living fuck out of them in random order". "So first we will stomp the life out of... the big guy"!

Everyone gasped in shock.

"Alright"! Chris exclaimed. "For once I don't have to go first"!

"But today is tuesday". Arthur continued. "So the big guy will only get his ass kicking first if there is no one in your group with the first name of Chris".

"Aw, man"!

Arthur snapped his fingers, and Chris screamed as the knights took him away.

"And as for the big guy". Arthur continued. "The honor of stomping him will go to Lancelot, my strongest knight".

A big knight walked up to Barry, but in a flash the ropes were ripped off, and Lancelot screamed as Barry tackled him. He then started foaming at the mouth, and beating the knight with his fists, putting horrible dents in his armor.

"Crap, he's getting his ass kicked"! Arthur yelled. "Get the super tranquliser"!

The knights grabbed their crossbows, and shot the tranquliser darts into Barry one after another as he continued to pummel the screaming knight. He finally fell after about 30 darts, but it was too late for Lancelot.

"Holy god"! Arthur exclaimed as he looked at the broken body. "His legs are where his head should be"!

"Some super tranquliser". Leon said sarcasticly. "Maybe you should check the expiration date sometime, huh"? "Sure glad I don't have to depend on you guys for help, because you have to be the worst knights I've ever

Arthur suddenly shot a dart into his foot. An instant later Leon did the bitter beer face, and collapsed to the ground.

"Hey, cocksuckers"! Liquid yelled. "You're pretty good at beating up the weak and stupid, but how about you try picking on someone your own size"?

"Like you"? A knight asked.

"No, I meant that you should let us go, and then find someone your own size to beat on". "Christ, open up your ears once in awhile".

The knight picked up his sword, walked over to Liquid, and swung. But at the last second, Liquid sprung himself into the air, wrapped his legs around the knights head, and twisted his body. This snapped the knight's neck, and made them both fall to the ground.

"Holy crap"! Liquid exclaimed. "I can't believe that really worked"! "And all this time I thought the movie Anaconda was full of shit".

"God damn it, this is getting out of hand"! Arthur yelled. "Let's just kill them right now"!

The remaining knights tossed Chris back into the group, and drew their swords for the killing swing.

"Artee". A voice called. "Dinner's ready".

"Not now, Grandma"! Arthur yelled. "I'm kind of in the middle of something here"!

"Oh, are you and your little friends playing knights again"?

"We're not playing, Grandma"! "I'm trying to lead my warriors, here"!

"That's nice, Artee, but your game can wait". "Now you boys come upstairs for dinner, and don't forget to wash your little hands".

"I think we should do what she says". Another knight replied. "You don't want her to get the paddle again, do you"?

"SHUT UP"! Arthur screamed. "I am the king of this island, and no one tells me what to do"!

"NOW, ARTEE"! Grandma screamed.

Arthur and the knights jumped back in fear, then they all ran upstairs.

"Wow". Scooby said. "Just when you think you've seen it all".

"Forget it"! Ashley yelled. "Let's just get the fuck out of here"!

They used one of the fallen swords to cut the ropes, then they grabbed Chris and Leon, and ran out of the cave as fast as they could.


	28. Set Course For Bone Village

After running back to the beach, it took a few minutes for the group to push the tiny broncho off shore, but soon they were once again kick paddling north. And you know what that means.

"OW"! Scooby yelled as the whip struck him. "Holy crap, I'm kicking as fast as I possibly can"!

"Sorry, Scooby". Jill replied. "But you have exceeded the maximum effective range of an excuse".

"It's not so bad after awhile". Tiggr said. "But when it starts to suck, I just think of my favorite book, Dr. Seuss's Green Eggs and CRACK"!

"THAT'S IT"! Barry screamed. "I'VE HAD IT"! "I'M TIRED OF THESE MOTHER FUCKIN SNAKES ON THIS MOTHER FUCKIN PLANE"!

Ashley struck him with the whip, making him quiet, but then Chris got out of the water.

"This is ridiculous". He said as he walked up to Jill. "We are not slaves here for your amusement". "What are we, guys"?

"Um". Barry replied. "Homo Sapiens"?

"THAT'S RIGHT"! "We are men"! "And as men we demand not only better treatment, but also sexual favors from every female member of this crew atleast twice a week"!

The others cheered, and Jill smirked.

"Ok then". She replied. "Repeat after me: Oh god, why would you do that"?

"What"? He asked.

She suddenly crouched down, and uppercutted him in the nuts as hard as she could.

"OH GOD"! Chris screamed as he fell over. "WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT"?

"Carry on". Jill said as she walked away.

Meanwhile in the cockpit, Leon screamed as Liquid touched the broken power wire to his arm.

"DAMN IT"! Leon screamed. "THAT FUCKING HURTS"!

"You fuck up, you get zapped". Liquid replied. "Pain has proven to be a very effective learning tool in the past, so who am I to argue with tradition"?

"Why are we doing this, again"?

"Because, silly". "If I teach you to drive this thing, that means that you can do all the work while I spend all day drinking and sleeping".

"But won't that mean that they don't need you anymore"?

Liquid thought for a second.

"My god, you're right". He said. "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IN MY SEAT"?

Leon screamed as Liquid started zapping him.

"LAND HO"! Ashley yelled.

"Did somebody say ho"? Liquid asked as he walked outside.

Once he got outside, he looked into the distance, and saw a large land mass.

"Well". Jill said. "I got good news and bad news". "The good news is that we are on course, and that bone village is just ahead once we reach shore".

"What's the bad news"? Liquid asked.

"We're sinking".

Liquid looked down, and gasped as he saw the slowly rising water.

"ABANDON SHIP"! Liquid called out. "HOT CHICKS AND ANYONE NAMED LIQUID FIRST"!

Everyone jumped into the water and began swimming away. Liquid was about to dive in, but Leon stopped him.

"Wait a second". Leon said. "Isn't the captain supposed to go down with his ship"?

"You're absolutely right, Leon". Liquid replied. "And as captain, I hearby make you captain, see ya later".

He dove into the water and swam away as the plane dissapeared under the water.

"I finally did it". Leon said as the water reached his waist. "I'm the captain of my own... WHAT AM I DOING"?

He swam off as the plane sank forever, and after what seemed like hours, he reached the shore where everyone was waiting.

"Hi, guys". He said as he walked up to them.

Liquid responded to this by kicking him in the nuts, dropping him to his hands and knees.

"For neglecting your captainly duties". Liquid said. "You are herby releaved of command, and demoted to private".

"Aw, man". Leon replied.

Once everyone had caught their breath, they walked away from the shore, and soon came to a small archiological village.

"STAND BACK"! A man in a hard hat screamed. "We're about to blow it"!

Everyone began snickering.

"What"? He asked. "Why does everyone always laugh when I say that"?

"What's going on"? Jill asked. "Who are you people"?

"I'm the foreman, and this is my dig crew". "We came to this place because our license was revoked for violating some kind of explosives in a residential zone law, or something like that". "But here we can use any means nessessary to discover the past". "And should an inspector come out here for one reason or another, we can just put them in the mulcher like that guy".

They gasped as they saw someone's legs vanish into the machine.

"But now you should stand back". The forman continued. "Because we are about to detonate 10,000 pounds of TNT for no other reason then it will be really awesome".

"Are you sure that's a good idea"? Scooby asked.

"Don't worry". "Even a blast that size won't wake up the sleeping forest, so put your mind at ease".

"Did you say sleeping forest"? Chris asked.

"Too late for talk"! "Detonation to begin now"!

Suddenly there was an earth shattering explosion, and when the smoke cleared, they realised that a rockslide had burried the entire village along with the foreman and his dig team.

"He's right". Liquid said. "That was really awesome". "But, oh well, now let's go see this sleeping forest thing".

They began walking across the rubble, toward the forest in the distance.


	29. The Sleeping Forest Awakens

After walking across the rubble, the group was about to enter the forest, but then it happened.

"HOLD IT RIGHT THERE"! The forest screamed. "I am the sleeping forest, and no one enters while I am asleep, lest they never be seen again, MUAHAHAHAHA"!

"Oh, yeah"? Liquid asked. "If you are still asleep, how are you talking to us right now"?

"I, um, uh, talk in... my... sleep, yeah that's it, I talk in my sleep". "Now be off with you unless you can find the earth harp to wake me". "Too bad it's in this village somewhere".

"In the village"? Ashley asked. "How are we supposed to find something burried under hundreds of tons of rock"?

"You know what"? Liquid asked as he lit up a cigerette. "Fuck this forest, and it's gay ass earth harp". "There's more then one way to get through a stubborn ass forest, and this time Smokey the bear isn't here to stop me".

He took one more puff, and then tossed it onto a bunch of dried leaves, instantly starting a large fire.

"HOLY SHIT"! The forest screamed. "I'M AWAKE, I'M AWAKE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD I'M AWAKE, JUST PUT THE FIRE OUT"!

Leon grabbed a bucket of water, and tossed it on the flames, putting the fire out.

"Where did you get that"? Liquid asked.

"What"? Leon replied.

"That random bucket of water". "Come to think of it, how did you get the chainsaw before, too"?

Leon thought for a second.

"I don't know". He said. "These things just appear when I need them... and now it's kind of freaking me out".

"We can worry about it later". Scooby interupted. "Let's just get through the damn forest before it falls asleep again".

They shrugged, and followed the rest of the group into the forest.

"I can't wait to find Rebecca". Chris said as they walked. "Then I can tell her how I really feel". "I'll tell her not only that I love her with all my heart, but also that I would do absolutely anything to bone her".

"That's a special love, right there". Leon replied. "That kind of like how I feel about Ashley, but I like to give it a test drive before commiting, if you know what I mean".

Ashley smacked him in the back of the head.

"Are you guys about done"? Liquid asked. "I swear, listening to you guys whining about who you love is almost as bad as listening to Link bitch about Zelda".

(FLASHBACK)

"And so I got home and there was a message on my machine". Link said as he took a swig of his beer. "It was from Ganon saying that he kidnapped my chick for the 14th god damn time, and he put her in a hidden dungeon somewhere". "That guy is such a dick"! "He's been doing this to me since high school, and it's really pissing me off".

"I warned you about her, man". Liquid replied. "Zelda might be hot, but sometimes it's like she should come with her own ransom note".

"And if it wasn't bad enough having to rescue her all the time, I gotta collect items along the way". "Now a piece of triforce here, a wand there, and a flute or something doesn't sound like a big deal, right"? "Well that shit adds up, and pretty soon I got 350 pounds of worhtless crap to lug around that I'm probably only gonna use once or twice". "I mean, who makes a three foot ladder, anyway"?

Liquid sighed, and took another drink.

"Alright Link". Liquid said. "We've been friends since the first time through fifth grade, so I gotta say that it looks like your princess is in another castle, if you know what I mean".

"Yeah, you're probably right". Link replied. "I wish I had it easy like you and that Samus girl".

"Oh, about that... I don't know how smooth it's gonna be anymore".

"What do you mean"?

"Well... her sister seduced me... twice... and then once more the next day".

"Uh, Liquid, Samus doesn't have a sister".

"Sure she does, you know, her evil twin that likes to rain death and destruction on everything in sight and has thoes crazy evil eyes".

Link spit out his drink.

"Liquid". He gasped. "You did not sleep with the SA-X".

"What's an SA-X"? Liquid replied.

(FLASHFORWARD)

"Wow, Liquid". Scooby said. "What the fuck is wrong with you"?

"They looked exactly the same". Liquid replied. "Don't tell me that you've never wanted to get with your girlfriend's sister". "Even when I first met Alexia I tried to get with her sister, and imagine my surprise when I found out it was actually her crossdressing brother, but that's neither here nor there".

"Stop"! "Just fucking stop"! "You are a disgrace to your species"! "You are the most self centered, egotistical, manipulative, dishonorable, drunken, womanizing, poor driving, hypocritic, back stabbing, pirate that I have ever seen, and you've even gone so far as to corrupt this poor simpleton Leon to be like you"! "So I hearby shun you"! "Shunnnnnnn, shun, shunnnnnn"!

"Oh my god, you can talk"!

Scooby suddenly screamed his frustration as he leaped at Liquid with intent to kill, but Liquid backhanded him out of the air, and pinned him to the ground.

"I know what you need". Liquid said as he took the flask off his belt. "Here, drink this". "It's my grandfathers finest moonshine... or is this the engine degreaser"? "Oh well, there both made from the same stuff".

He shoved the flask into Scooby's mouth, and poured some down his throat. He then took a drink himself, and put it back on his belt as Scooby's eyes became bloodshot.

"There, see"? Liquid asked as he got up. "All better".

Scooby stumbled behind them as they continued walking for a few minutes, and then they saw it.

"Hey, look"! Ashley exclaimed as they came to a clearing. "Do you see it"?

"Yeah". Leon replied. "It's so juicy and heart shaped".

"Not my ass, moron". "I'm talking about that thing over there".

He looked up, and gasped as he saw what everyone was looking at.

It was an ancient abandoned city.

"Where the hell are we now"? Chris asked.


	30. City Of The Ancients

"Now if I know anything about abandoned ancient cities". Jill said as they approached. "It's probably filled with man eating monsters or desprate cut throat crimminals who would kill their own mothers in order to protect the location of their hideout". "So you know what that means".

"That we should go home"? Liquid asked. "And forget all of this ever happened"?

"Close, but it actually means that one of us has to charge in like a mad fool, and face the dangers unknown in order to see if Rebecca is there". "Yes, this is most likely a suicide mission, but I can only think of one person dumb, er, brave enough to accept this dangerous mission".

Chris and Leon pointed at eachother.

"Well, how about that"? Ashley asked. "Two volenteers for the price of one". "You guys are the best".

"Good job, Leon". Liquid added. "Never let your battle buddy go into a death trap, er, I mean a mysterious place alone". "Now, on your way".

They looked at the city, and even though it was a perfectly clear day, there was an evil black cloud hovering above it.

"Do we have to"? Leon asked. "I mean, obviously no one's been here for atleast a thousand years".

"No, you guys don't have to go". Jill replied. "Because suddenly we are in a democracy, WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK"? "Barry, motivate them".

Barry growled as he drew his gun, and shot the ground between Leon's feet.

"I see". Leon said. "Well, I guess we could take a quick walk around".

"Yes". Jill replied. "I guess you can". "Now, move it".

They hung their heads as they walked away from the group, and toward the city enterence.

"This is such crap". Leon said. "Join shinra's army, they said". "Learn skills that you can use for the rest of your life, they said". "Travel and adventure, they said".

"Yeah". Chris replied. "Thoes recruitment ads really shovel it with both hands, huh"? "It's funny how even if you're an ex-SOLDIER first class, or an ex-Turks you still end up doing someone elses dirty work".

They continued talking as they entered the city, unaware that someone was watching them.

"This place all looks the same". Leon said as they walked down another path. "We should just go back, because obviously no one is here".

"Are you sure about that"? A voice asked.

They froze as someone walked out of a small building in front of them. He wore a high school jacket with a large letter N, and his belt buckle looked like an old NES controller.

He also had a large handgun in his hip holster.

"Who are you"? Chris asked.

"I'm Captain N, the game master". He replied. "But you can call me Kevin". "And this collection of 1980's freaks are the N team, ROLL CALL"!

Suddenly Chris and Leon found themselves surrounded.

"Simon Belmont, vampire hunter". A blonde man said as he looked into his hand mirror. "I'm so sexy that if I was a chick, I'd fuck me".

"Megaman, super strong mega-robot". A little green guy said. "I take steroids so that I can rip the mega-nuts off of any cocksucker who dares to call me short".

"Kid Icarus-icus". A winged little guy in a toga said. "Sure my game sucked major ass-icus, but Mario got his own show at the last second, and I needed the work".

"GAME BOY bzz zzz boop bee bzzz". A giant game boy said. "HUMAN FLESH DETECTED bzz zzz doop I MEAN, HELLO I AM YOUR FRIEND".

"And I am Princess Lana". Hot hot brown haired girl said. "The incredibly sexy ruler of 1980's videoland ever since I killed my dad, er, I mean ever since he vanished".

"Wow, you're hot"! Leon said. "What game are you from"?

"Castlevania, silly". Simon replied. "I didn't think your bread was buttered that way, but I've been known to turn a few heads... isn't that right, Kevin"?

"You said you wouldn't tell"! Kevin yelled.

"I was talking to the princess"! Leon yelled. "What game is she from"?

The N team members looked at eachother for a minute.

"Who cares, she's hot". Kevin replied. "And that's enough for me".

"But how can she rule videoland"? Chris asked. "If she's not from a game"?

They all looked at eachother again.

"Don't listen to them, guys". Lana said. "They are obviously working for mother brain, and are on a mission to break up our team".

"Mother brain"? Leon asked. "Didn't that Samus girl kill her like 20 years ago... twice"?

"Enough talk, kill these mother fuckers in only the best 1980's style".

Simon quickly reached into his back pack, pulled out a net, and tossed it over Chris.

"I got dibs on this one". He said as he grabbed Chris's ass. "I hope you like thigh-highs".

"NOOOOOO"! Chris screamed.

"Oh, yes". Kevin said as he and the others surrounded Leon. "And I guess that leaved you to us".

Kid Icarus and Megaman fired at him, but Leon dropped down, making them hit eachother. Then he drew his gun along with a second gun from his ankle holster, allowing him to shoot both of them in the head at the same time.

"They were worthless, anyway". Kevin said as he drew his zapper. "Prepare to be zapped"!

He went to fire, but Leon shot it out of his hand. Game boy came up from behind with a rock, but Leon cartwheeled out of the way, got behind him, and ripped out his batteries.

"You'll pay for that"! Kevin yelled as he reached for his belt. "Prepare to be frozen in time with my

Leon suddenly tackled him, put him in a head lock, and snapped his neck.

"Well, no big loss". Simon said. "Looks like I can have fun with you both now".

He let go of Chris and swung at Leon, but he ducked down, and came back with an uppercut, making Simon stumble backwards. He then kicked him in the nuts, spun him around, and booted him in the ass, making him fall screaming off of a convienient cliff.

Leon watched until Simon splattered on the rocks like peanutbutter and jelly, then he turned toward the princess.

"My hero"! Lana exclaimed. "Thoes bastards forced me to work with them, and to give them sexual favors, and stuff". "But you saved me"!

Leon rsponded to this by grabbing Kevin's zapper, and well, zapping her.

"Sorry Lana". He said as he twirled the zapper like revolver ocelot. "But I've already got a beautiful princess to save, and compared to Ashley you're a 2 at best".

He put the zapper in his holster, then he grabbed the controller belt, and walked over to the still netted Chris.

"Sorry it took so long". Leon said as he cut the net. "I must be getting rusty".

"Where the hell did that come from"? Chris asked as he got up.

"What"?

"What do you mean, what"? "You just put a chuck norris ass whoopin on the entire N team, then you executed them and took their stuff".

"Yeah, so"? "I just did what I was taught". "But thanks for distracting Simon for me, I don't think I could have taken them all at once".

"Uh, yeah, sure... I mean, it was part of my plan all along". "Beause, um... he was the biggest, um, so I distracted him".

"Well, we did good". "And there's obviously nothing else here, so let's rejoin the others".

"GO TEAM VENTURE"! They shouted as they struck their hero pose.

"What the fuck is taking so long"? Jill called from outside. "Hurry the fuck up"!

Leon finished putting on the controller belt as they ran back toward the enterence.


	31. What You Seek Will Be Yours

After a few more hours searching, and becoming satisfied that nothing worthwhile was inside the city, the group decided to rest for the night inside an old shelter of some kind.

"I can't sleep". Chris said to himself. "I miss Rebecca". "The only woman that I have ever truly loved is lost and alone somewhere in this ancient city, but I will find her because the power of true love will conquer all, and bring my incredibly sexy true love back into my arms". "I'll be like, Rebecca I found you, and she'll be like, oh Chris I knew you'd come for me, and I'll be like, I love you Rebecca now take off your shirt, and she'll be like, I'll do anything for you my brave strong handsome hero, and I'll be like, damn right you will you naughty little schoolgirl, and she'll be like, take me now Chris, and I'll be like

"FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST"! Scooby screamed. "WILL YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GO TO SLEEP ALREADY"?

"Why'd you have to stop"? Leon grumbled. "I was almost there".

"Have a heart, guys". Barry said. "Craig just misses his girl, that's all". "If only Chris was here, I'm sure he would find her in no time".

"But I'm Chris". Chris replied.

"I know how you feel, Clem". "But not everyone can be as rough and tough as that guy".

Suddenly Liquid sat up, and continued to snore as he took the flask off his belt, and took a sip.

"What the hell"? Tiggr asked. "Hey Liquid, are you alright"?

He ignored them as he snored again before taking another sip.

"Oh my god". Jill said. "He's sleep drinking". "Quick, let's see if we can manipulate his dreams".

They all got up, and quickly formed a circle around Liquid.

"Watch out, Liquid". Jill said. "You're being attacked by birds".

"Ka-kaw"! Ashley yelled. "Ka-kaw"!

Liquid mumbled something as he started waving the birds away.

"Wow, it works". Leon said. "Alright, now check this out". "Look Liquid, there's a gorgeous teenage girl walking toward you in a short skirt and a sports bra... and she wants some of your moonshine".

Liquid mumbled again as he held the flask close while karate chopping the air.

"This is awesome". Ashley said. "Now let's try

She was interupted by a loud sound coming from inside the city. It was so loud that it made them jump, and woke Liquid from his sleep.

"Why are you standing over me"? He asked. "ASSASSINS"!

He suddenly kicked Chris in the stomach, making him fall on his ass.

"Quiet, you two". Jill ordered as they got up. "Listen".

It was obvious that the sound was coming from inside the city, and there was a good chance that Rebecca was in the middle of it.

"Ok, here's the plan". Jill said. "We are gonna rush in there like a bunch of morons because it would be the last thing that our ememies would expect". "But if for some reason our enemy figures out that we are in fact that stupid, Chris will be walking in front to take the first hit".

"Why do I always have to go first"? Chris asked.

"Because it's alphabetical, silly". "If someone who's name is at the back of the alphabet went first, the laws of physics would shatter, and the world could fricken explode or something".

"Ok, but then shouldn't Barry, or Ashley go first".

"You can do it, Clem". Barry said. "Try to be brave like Chris".

"GOD DAMN IT"! Chris screamed. "I AM CHRIS"!

"That's the spirit, Craig". "Just try to do what Chris would do in your place, and you won't fail".

Chris covered his mouth to keep from screaming his frustration as he walked out of the shelter. The others followed, and apon entering the city, they noticed something different.

There was a large hole in the ground, with strange glowing stairs that went down for as far as the eye can see.

"Nothing to report, huh"? Liquid asked. "Good, because there is nothing special at all about a glowing staircase that leads into a secret underground chamber, huh"? "Now if someone hadn't lost our slinke, we would be all set".

"HEY, DID YOU HEAR THAT"? Chris exclaimed.

Everyone listened, but now even the strange sound from before was gone.

"I hear nothing". Scooby replied.

"IT SOUNDED LIKE REBECCA"! Chris continued. "Come on guys, let's go"!

He started walking down the stairs, and the others shrugged, but followed.

"Ok". Chris said to himself. "When I see Rebecca, I have to properly convay my feeling as well as overwhelm her with that romantic garbage that chicks go for, so I better reherse". "Ahem, Rebecca I can no longer hide the feelings in my heart which I desperately want to express". "My love for you is like a schoolboy having his first crush on the cute girl who lives down the street, and I can't help but want to make love to you". "Rebecca, please say that you feel the same about me, because I don't know if I can live without you at my side".

It was a perfect speech, and it was sure to make Rebecca fall head over heels for him.

Soon the group reached the bottom of the stairs, and found themselves in front of a large underground lake, with a bridge connecting where they stood to a small stone island.

And on that island... Rebecca was resting on a bench.

Chris wasted no time in running across the bridge, followed by the rest of the group. This was it, his chance to give his perfect speech, and win the girl of his dreams. He was a bit nervous, but he knew in his heart that he would be fine.

"Chris"? Rebecca asked as she looked up at him. "What are

"Rebecca". He interupted as he stopped running. "I desperatly want to make love to a schoolboy".

Her jaw dropped.

"NO"! He exclaimed. "That's not what I meant"! "What I mean to say is

"Save it, Chris". She interupted. "How is it that I can get myself completely lost in the most remote and well hidden places on earth, yet I can't seem to get away from you guys for more then a few days"? "I mean, what the fuck, did Jill plant a damn lo-jack on me or something"? "Does Tiggr have constant survalence"? "Did Liquid put a camera in my showerhead"?

"Of course not". Liquid replied. "I put it in the drain".

As she continued ranting, Chris happened to look up and see Sephiroth standing on a cliff high above them with his sword raised.

"Um, Rebecca". Chris said.

"Don't interupt me". She ordered. "I am so sick of hanging out with a bunch of dumbasses who are obviously deficient in the higher brain functions".

Sephiroth then jumped off, and quickly came down while aiming his sword at her.

Then something unexpected happened. Everything moved in slow motion as Chris ran forward, and shoved Rebecca backward with all his might. This caused the sword to cut both of them in the arm, and made Rebecca hit her head on the floor, knocking her out.

"Ha"! Jill said. "Missed by that much".

"Well, to be honest". Sephiroth replied. "I was aiming for Tiggr". "I never could stand winne the pooh, so I sought to destroy him in a stealth attack". "But since I have you all here, I see no reason to not just kill all of you".

He then raised his sword, and screamed like a madman as he charged at them.


	32. But You Will Lose Something Dear

Everyone hit the ground as Sephiroth swung his sword, causing him to spin around several times before falling against the wall and losing his lunch.

"Well, well". Liquid said as he extended his spear. "We all wondered where the great Sephiroth had dissapeared to". "But now it looks like it will be me who guts your ass and collects the outrageous price on your head".

"Wait a second". Jill said. "There's a price on his head"?

"Of course, he's one of the only two men in history to have a bounty of 60 billion double gil on his head, and he's got to be easier to catch then that Vash The Stampede guy". "What, isn't that why you were chasing him"?

"No, we are after him for... um, why are we after him again"?

Everyone looked at eachother.

"We are after him". Barry explained. "Because of global warming, and corporate america". "We fight so that gas will not cost more then the cars we put it in, we fight so that people like Steve Irwin won't get stung in the heart by stingrays even though that asshole was just begging for death for the previous 10 years, and last of all we fight so that the holy hand grenade won't fall into the wrong hands, because if you pull the pin and count to three not to be confused with four which is one more then three or two which is one less then three it will

"SHUT UP"! Scooby screamed. "JUST FUCKING SHUT UP YOU IGNORANT IMBRED MORON"! "I SWEAR I LOSE 200 BRAIN CELLS EVERY TIME YOU OPEN YOUR MOUTH"!

"Hold on, guys". Ashley said. "There's no more need to argue".

"Why not"? Tiggr asked. "It was just getting good".

"Because Sephiroth just left".

Everyone looked, and he was in fact gone.

"This is all your fault"! Jill yelled.

"My fault"? Chris asked as he started crying. "How the hell is this my fault"? "All I did was try to save my poor sweet Rebecca, BUT NOW SHE'S DEAD"!

"She's not dead, moron". "She just hit her head when you pushed her... Chris"?

He was gone, so they looked around, and saw him carrying Rebecca out into the large lake.

"What the hell are you doing"? Scooby called out.

"She's dead"! Chris sobbed. "I'm burying her at sea just like she always wanted"!

"She never said that"! "And she's still alive"!

"Yes, she'll always live in my heart, too"! "Goodbye, Rebecca".

"Chris"? She asked as she opened her eyes. "What are you

He started sobbing louder as he shoved her underwater.

"It's almost like I can hear her". Chris sobbed as she thrashed around.

"I'M GONNA KILL YOU"! Rebecca screamed as she fought to stay up.

"I know I should have died in your place"! "Why coundn't I have been quicker, WHY"?

"I'M NOT DEAD"!

"Shut up, yes you are"! "... Wait a second... REBECCA"! "You're alive, it's a miracle"! "This water must have magical healing powers"!

"Well let's hope so, because you are gonna need them".

She suddenly punched him in the mouth, grabbed his head, and shoved it underwater.

"Ashley". Leon said as he put his arms around her. "Seeing what Chris went through when he almost lost Rebecca has made me do some serious thinking about us".

"Take your hands off me". She replied.

"It has made me realise what I really want in life, and how special you are to me". "So that being said, my plan is to strip you down, cover your body with honey, and spend the next three days pretending to be a hungry bear".

"Why, so that I can fall asleep from boredom, and that you can spend the next 2 months in a sugar induced coma"? "Get the fuck away from me before I shove your head so far up your own ass that it ends up back in the right position".

"Oh Ashley, I love it when you talk dirty". "Kiss me"!

He closed his eyes, then Ashley kneed him in the nuts, and pushed him into the water.

"That's it, I'm outa here". She said. "Maybe if I keep going north that Sephiroth guy will kill me, and I won't have to deal with you losers anymore".

Ashley started walking out of the city, followed by Scooby, Tiggr, and Barry.

"Don't worry, Ashley"! Leon said as he climeb out of the water. "I won't let anything happen to you"!

He ran after her, then Liquid walked over to Jill.

"Love is obviously in the air, Jill". He said. "So I was wondering if you were interested in being my next ex-girlfriend who wants to kill me"?

"Come on now, Liquid". She replied. "I don't have to be your ex to want to kill you". "In fact I'm just waiting for you to fall asleep by yourself".

She followed the others with Liquid close behind. A few seconds later Rebecca dragged Chris back to the stone island, and dropped him on the ground.

"Alright, cocksucker". She said as he spit out water. "You saved my life from Sephiroth, so I will save your life from me... this time".

She kicked him in the side as she walked toward the exit.

"What a woman". Chris said as he followed her.


	33. Leaving The City

"Oh come on, Ashley". Leon said as he followed her. "Give me one reason why we shouldn't be togather". "I know that you're worried you're not pretty enough for me, but not everyone can reach this level of perfection". "Hell, most people either go crazy or commit suicide just thinking about

"It's nothing personal, Leon". Ashley interupted. "I just don't like you".

"Why not"? "I'm good in a fight, I'm VERY easy on the eyes, and I have the entire karma sutra memorised".

"Well, as impressive as that is, and as impressive as it was to watch you kill thoes nintendo rejects, yes I was watching". "Your problem is that you can't stand up for what you believe in".

"Not true, I believe in getting into your pants, and I have no trouble standing up for that".

"Ok, then try standing up to Liquid".

The color drained out of his face.

"That's what I mean". Ashley continued. "When you're by yourself you can think properly, you can fight extremely well, and you sometimes consider doing the right thing". "But then the great Captain Liquid appears, and suddenly you become a spuddering moron who will do anything he says". "Now why do you suppose that is"?

"Easy". Leon replied. "He's my commanding officer, and he's also a much better fighter then me". "It's like he's always three steps ahead of everyone else, and sometimes I think he can perceve the world around him with telepathy".

Suddenly Liquid screamed as he banged his head on a stalagmite that was sticking down from the cave's cieling.

"SON OF A BITCH"! Liquid screamed as he rubbed his head. "Where did that come from"? "Stupid god damn caves"!

"Well". Ashley said. "We know he's not telepathic". "And guess what Leon, he's not your commanding officer anymore".

"What"? Leon asked.

"Look, you're an ex member of the Turks, right"? "That means that you no longer work for shinra, right"?

"I guess so".

"And Liquid was obviously fired from shinra, because I don't think they shoot people in the back who are up for promotion, right"? "That means that neither one of you works for shinra anymore, so technicaly you don't have to listen to him anymore".

"But he taught me everything I know, and he has such a commanding presence".

"He's a drunk, Leon". "And nothing but a bully". "And you know what they say about bullys, right"?

"Uh, no".

Ashley shrugged as music started to play.

"Bullys are people who hate themselves". She sang. "Abused at 6 or molested at 12". "They pick on people, and that's odd because thier real quarrel, is with god". "Who's afraid of a bully"?

"Uh, me". Leon sang.

"No, not me". "There's so many better things to be afraid of, like two guys engaging in gay homo love". "You must stand up to him, it's true". "Just like Moses stood up for thoes mistreated jews". "Oh, who's afraid of a bully"?

"Not me, no not me".

"Stand up to a bully, and he'll flee". "He'll flee like the ignorant misguided insecure moron he be".

The music stopped, and Leon felt like a changed man.

"Wow". He said. "Where does that music keep coming from"?

"Focus, Leon". Ashley replied. "Are you ready to give Liquid a piece of your mind"?

"Yes"!

"Good and remember that for extra motivation that if you put him in his place... I'll sleep with you".

"Really"?

"Sure, but you have to firmly stand your ground, make him aware that you won't be pushed around, and also make him apoligize for the way he treats you". "Ready, go".

Leon quickly spun around, and ran over to Liquid, stopping right in his path.

"What is it, Leon"? Liquid asked.

"Liquid". Leon replied. "I'm, uh, here to, um, stand up for, um, what I believe in and to tell you that, uh, I won't take it anymore, and, um, Ashley said that if I, um, stand up, then you would, um, flee".

Liquid responded by smacking him in the side of the head.

"You're talking crazy". Liquid replied. "Now I only understood one out of every 5 words you just said, but I think you mentioned Ashley somewhere in there". "Don't worry, I don't want her, she's all yours". "That is unless you want to tag team her, but then again I'm not exactly 19 anymore if you know what I mean".

"That's not what I meant". Leon said. "I was trying to

"Just be careful with that one because she seems like the kind of girl who would sing you an inspirational song and then offer herself to you in order to make you do something that will most likely get you killed". "Anyway let's go, you're holding up the line".

Leon hung his head as he turned around and walked back to Ashley.

"What the hell was that"? She asked as they walked.

"I don't know what happened". Leon replied. "I was doing great until I got to him, but then my brain froze over as if I drank one of thoes orange julious things from dairy queen".

"You let me down horribly, Leon". "But I'm willing to give you another chance, so build up your courage for as long as it takes". "Then if you either get Liquid to reverse himself or fight him to the death, I'll...

"You'll what"?

"I'll be your naughty little schoolgirl for as long as you want".

"Ok, you're on". "Better get your pigtails ready, because you're gonna be in perminate detention little girl".

Suddenly they were interupted by a flash of white from the end of the cave, followed by a blinding rush of snow.


	34. Mystery Of The Chocobo Sage

At they walked out of the cave, a snowey landscape was all they could see through the storm.

"Holy crap"! Liquid yelled. "Is it just me, or did the temperature just drop about 10,000 degrees"?

"Why are on a mountain"? Ashley asked. "Why are we even continuing at all"? "It's obvious that this Sephiroth guy is a psyco killer, demonstrated by his repeated attempts at wiping us out".

"Don't worry, Rebecca". Chris said as he put his arm around her. "I'll keep you warm".

"Hands off"! She yelled as she pushed him into the snowbank. "Why did I have to go to that damn church that day"? "If I had just slept in, I never would have met you, I wouldn't have been kidnapped by the shinra, I wouldn't have to spend time with any of you assholes, and I certainly wouldn't be spending every god damn day chasing a high heel wearing psycopath half way around the god damn world"!

She quickly made a snowball, and slammed it into his face before walking over to the rest of the group.

"Does anyone have a clue as to where we are"? Scooby asked.

"Yes". Tiggr replied. "We are... here". "And if I consentrate really hard I can imagine this ballbustingly cold storm as a swirling vortex filled with cocain".

"Barry got sniffels". Barry said as he wiped his nose. "Getting... a... cold... ah, Ah, AH

He turned his head and sneezed all over Chris just as he was rejoining the group.

"Oh, gross dude"! Chris yelled.

"Sorry, Chuck". Barry replied. "But these things happen, so you should try to be tougher like Chris".

They continued walking for what seemed like hours, with nothing in sight except the snow storm.

"That does it". Jill said. "Tiggr, you're a foutune telling machine, right"?

"Sure". He replied. "What do you want to know"?

"Oh I don't know, maybe something small like where the fuck we are, or where is the nearest anything"?

"Oh, ok". "Here goes".

He punched himself in the stomach, and his tongue shot out like a cash register with a piece of paper on the end.

"Good". Jill said as she grabbed it. "Now let's see, it says... look out for bear traps"?

Suddenly Chris screamed as a bear trap slammed shut on is leg, making him fall to the ground.

"Ok, we know it still works". Jill said as the others freed Chris. "Now let's try again".

Tiggr punched himself in the stomach, producing another piece of paper.

"Ok". Jill said as she read it. "It says... look, I see a house or something over there"?

"Look"! Ashley exclaimed as she pointed. "I see a house or something over there"!

Jill and Tiggr looked at eachother for a second, then they shrugged and the group began walking toward the building in the distance.

Not more then two minutes later they had reached the building that turned out to be a small house. So they barged in like jahova's wittnesses, and slammed the door behind them.

"Who's there"? An old man asked as he came around the corner.

Jill was about to explain what was going on, but as soon as the old man saw them he became angry. He ran at them full speed, shoved Liquid up against the door, and shoved a sawed off shotgun up under his jaw.

"YOU GOT A LOT OF NERVE COMMIN BACK HERE"! He screamed. "NOW GIVE ME ONE GOOD REASON NOT TO SPLATTER YOUR BRAINS ALL OVER THESE PEOPLE"!

"Not again". Scooby replied. "What did you do this time"?

"Ok, I admit". Liquid said. "Normaly I know why someone has a gun to my head, and usualy I deserve it, but I really don't know who this person is or why he wants to cover you guys with my brain matter".

"Don't give me that shit"! The old man yelled. "You know damn well that I am the Chocobo Sage, and I don't think that my winchester here needs much explaining"!

"Oh, wait a second". "You aren't related to a girl named Jade, are you"? "Short black hair, green lipstick, carries a camera with her everywhere"?

"Um... I don't think so".

"Thank god". "Her uncle Paige stomped the hell out of me when he caught me in the tree outside her bedroom win, er, I mean walking around minding my own business". "Have you ever been stomped by a 300 pound guy wearing rocket boots"? "It sucks, believe me".

"Enough stallin"! "I'm gonna blow your head off, and then I'm gonna chop you up and sell your remains to that town a mile to the west, as dog food"!

"Oh yeah"?

Liquid suddenly grabbed the shotgun, spun it around so that it was under the chocobo sage's jaw, and pulled the trigger, making everyone scream as his head was blown off.

"Yeah, I would've done that quicker". Liquid said as he dropped the empty shotgun. "But I wanted to know why he wanted me dead".

"Wait a second". Jill replied. "You really didn't know this guy"?

"Oh course not, why would I ever come to a god forsaken place like this"? "But, oh well, he said something about a town a mile or so down the road, so let's go because I'm starving".

They walked outside, and the storm was starting to die down, so a town was visible to the west as the sun started to come up.

"Awesome". Leon said. "Hopefully they have a hotel so that me and Ashley can share a room".

He let out a yelp as Ashley pinched his neck.

"What was that for"? He asked.

"You were dreaming again". She replied. "But don't worry, you're awake now".

"Gee thanks, I must have dozed off". "Anyway, let's go".

They began walking down what could be seen of the road, toward the town.


	35. The Darkness Of Icicle Village

As the group walked into the town, they noticed that for once nothing was obviously wrong.

"Awesome". Liquid said. "No one here wants to kill or molest us, unlike that last time that me and Leon served time in Coral Prison". "This big somoan guy wanted to tie us up and spank us".

"Yeah". Leon replied. "And most of it was horrible".

"We're going to the bar, see you guys later".

"Hold on". Jill said. "We are in the middle of an important quest to stop the evil Sephiroth from unleasing whatever meteor is". "Can you guys really just sit in the bar and drink while the fate of the world is at stake"?

"Yeah". They both said as they walked away.

The tavern was easy to find, so they walked in, and sat at the bar.

"Barkeep". Liquid said. "Think up the worst most horrible drink that you wouldn't give your worst enemy, and make me a double". "Oh, and get Leon a fuzzy navel... he's a bit light on his feet, if you get my drift".

The bar tender passed them their drinks, and Liquid started to relax.

"Ah, the simple things". He said as he drank. "As you get older you learn that the secret to happiness is to constantly lower your standards in order to compensate for goals that you know you can never accomplish". "That and a really strong drink to drown out the sorrow of your emotionaly empty exsistance". "Don't you agree, Leon"?

"Goals"? He asked as he thought. "Emotionaly empty"?

(FLASHBACK)

"And remember for extra motivation". Ashley said. "Either get Liquid to reverse himself or fight him to the death and I'll be your naughty little school girl for as long as you want".

"Ok, you're on". Leon replied. "Better get your pigtails ready, because you're gonna be in detention for a long time, little girl".

(FLASHFORWARD)

"You ok"? Liquid asked.

Leon suddenly picked up a barstool and broke it over Liquid's head, making him fall off his seat. Leon then grabbed a whiskey bottle, but Liquid quickly pushed the A button on Leon's controller belt, making him scream as he was rocketed into the air and busted his head on a light fixture before crashing to the floor.

"What is wrong with you"? Liquid asked as they got up.

"I have to destroy you, Captain Liquid". He replied. "It's the only way for me to attain not only my own purpose for exsistance, but also a night alone with Ashley".

"Are you fucking serious"? "You want to fight to the death over a girl that I would sooner strangle then look at"?

"Yeah".

"Ok, if you want it... you got it".

Meanwhile the rest of the group was about to the middle of the town, when they were stopped by a man wearing a shiny star.

"Good afternoon, folks". He said. "Welcome to Icicle Village". "I'm Josh Harnett, the sherrif of these parts".

"Nice to meet you". Jill replied. "This town is... nice".

"Yep, it sure is". "And this is a special day for our little town, because it's the last that we'll see of the sun for an entire month".

"Say what"? Chris asked. "For a month, why"?

"Well, you see this town is the farthest north in the world, so when this planet rotates on it's axis it turns far enough that the sun is blocked out for an entire month". "Now don't get ancy, it happens every year". "The only possible danger would be if a group of vampires decided to use the remotness of this village along with the whole month of darkness to their advantage, thereby killing and eating all of the people while the outside world realizes nothing". "But what are the odds of that happening"?

Suddenly the sun moved incredibly fast across the sky, and darkness covered the land.

"See"? Josh asked. "Perfectly safe". "And if anything did happen, this tightly woven society would pull togather as all small town do whenever a Stephen King situation arises".

Not a second later vampires began smashing through peoples windows, and dragging the screaming villagers to their doom.

"HOLY SHIT"! Josh screamed. "Every man for himself"!

"Hold on". Scooby said. "Shouldn't the sherrif stay to protect the people"?

"You're absolutly right".

Josh then took off his star, and dropped it on the ground.

"Give the sherrif my regards". Josh said as he ran off. "See ya later".

"What an asshole". Ashley said.

Suddenly a few vampires noticed them.

"We gotta get outa here"! Chris yelled. "Quick, let's run blindly to the other end of town"!

It was the only plan they had, so they kept their heads down as they ran past screaming people and ducked behind houses until they reached the edge of town where a steep slope waited for them.

"ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME"? Scooby screamed. "Who would build a town right next to something like this"? "I mean, one avalanch, and the whole place is gone".

"Well, it's our only escape". Jill replied. "Hey, where's Leon and Liquid"?

As if on cue the window of the closest house shattred as Liquid and Leon flew through it. The hit the ground right where the slope started, causing them to scream as they rolled away in a giant snowball.

"There they go". Tiggr said. "Now how do we get down without killing ourselves"?

"We could snowboard"! Chris exclaimed as he attached his feet to a convienient snowboard. "Now watch, Rebecca, because my snowboarding is going to impress you so much that you're gonna want to fuck me right here".

Rebecca thought for a second, then she pushed him, causing him to scream as he spun around and started down the slope on his stomach.

"There"! She called out. "I just fucked you"! "Was it good"?

"Alright". Jill said. "Our turn".

They were about to go, but vampires came out of left field with intent to kill. All seemed lost, but them machine gun fire rang out, dropping the vampires, and revealing Mila Jonovich standing behind them.

"Not good". Ashley said.

"So, you guys killed Jackie Chan, huh"? Mila asked. "Let me repay you with death"!

She was about to fire, but then two more vampires tackled her.

"Thanks". Jill said as they dove down the slope.

Mila killed the two vampires as they slid out of sight, and by the time she got up they were gone.

"I'll get you yet". She said as she walked back into town. "But for now I'm gonna kill these bitches".


	36. Adventures In Snowboarding

Chris continued screaming as he shot down what he thought had just been a steep slope. But the reality was that someone had been sick and depraved enough to build an entire snowboard course right on the back of a small village.

And we're not talking a bunny hill, here. This was a full out triple black diamond pro boarder's course the likes of which hasen't been seen since cool boarders for nintendo 64.

Soon what started out as nice fluffy snow became unforgiving ice that burned, and took away any hope of controling where he went.

So after crashing through partial forests, ramming into penguins (aren't they at the south pole), and flying over poorly made ski jumps...

The ground vanished from benieth him and he screamed like a burn victem as he flew toward the earth.

Meanwhile far across the snowy plains...

The giant snowball crashed against a strange statue with a face, disintegrating the snowball, and allowing Leon and Liquid to his the ground.

It took Liquid a second to shake off the dizzyness, and his vision came into focus just in time to see Leon's fist ramming into his jaw.

The blow made Liquid take a step back, then Leon kicked him in the stomach, and punched him in the side of the head as he doubled over, making Liquid stumble into the statue.

Leon went for another punch, but Liquid caught it, and twisted it behind Leon's back.

"You really should drink more, Leon". Liquid said as he continued twisting. "It reduces the amount of pain you feel from things like punches and kicks".

"Yeah"? Leon asked as he reached for his holster. "How does it hold up to being zapped"?

He grabbed the zapper, and shot right between Liquid's feet, making him let go. Then he spun around and aimed just in time to get hit in the face with a snowball, giving Liquid the time he needed to dive behind a snowbank before Leon could start firing again.

As soon as Leon could open his eyes, he zapped that snowbank, along with 5 others, but hitting nothing.

Suddenly a large orange dog stood up from inside the bushes, and pointed at him while laughing.

"DAMN IT"! Leon screamed as the dog went away. "That fucking dog's been laughing at me for 25 years"! "WHERE ARE YOU LIQUID"?

He was about to zap the bush, but he was interupted by Liquid tackling him from behind, causing them to slide further down the hill.

Back on the other side of the plains, the others slowly came to a pleasent stop at the end of the slope.

"Wow, that was nice". Jill said. "Kind of like a kid's water slide, we went fast enough to have fun, but not to get scared".

"Yeah". Scooby replied. "I even got to take a little power nap for most of the way".

Suddenly a sound was heard, and as it got louder it became evident that Chris was approaching. A second later he slammed into a patch of rocky ground, shattering the snowboard.

"Well, look who decided to join us". Jill said.

"Oh god, it was horrible"! Chris screamed as he crawled toward them. "There was the burning ice, and the trees, and the jumps, and the penguins, and then I was falling"!

"Save it, Chris". Rebecca replied. "Thanks to your ignorance, we are now lost".

"How is this my fault"?

"Chris, do we really have to break this down for you again"? "Myself, Jill, and Ashley are beautiful women, so we can do no wrong". "Barry is touched in the head so he dosen't get to make decisions, Tiggr is a stuffed animal controled by a shinra spy so he doesn't get to make decisions, Liquid and Leon aren't here, and Scooby is just the cutest little puppy in the whole box so we can't stay mad at him". "That leaves you, Chris".

"Yeah". Ashley said. "So be a man and accept your failure, you shovenist bastard". "Next thing you know, he'll want us to clean up the house and have sex with him".

"That would be nice". Chris replied.

She responded by stomping on his hand, making him scream.

"Alright, let's get out of here". Jill said. "Does anyone have a map"?

"We don't need a map". Scooby replied. "Thoes kids in the blair witch project didn't have a map, and look how good they did".

"They died in the end of the movie, Scooby".

"I know that, weirdo". "I was talking about the millions they got from making that piece of crap movie". "Sure the previews looked scary, but then you go to the movie and it's blah blah blah, something about a rock, blah blah blah, something about some hanging sticks, blah blah blah, something about a map, blah blah blah, they find an old house, AND THEY'RE DEAD"!

"Ok". Tiggr said. "So how does that help us"? "I need my next fix, but I can't use it until it melts".

"That way". Jill said as she pointed. "We will go that way".

"Why"? Rebecca asked.

"Because it looks the most dangerous and forboding, so we have to". "Besides, Chris can go first".

"Aw, man". Chris replied as they started walking.


	37. Lost In The Frozen Wastes

Liquid and Leon rolled to the bottom of yet another hill, resuming their fight as soon as they stopped rolling.

Leon palm struck him in the forehead, knocking him down. Then Liquid swept Leon's feet out from under him, making him fall on his ass.

"Face it, Liquid". Leon said as they got up. "I'm a better fighter then you because I'm younger, faster, stronger, smarter, and better looking then you". "Except for a few tricks and sneak attacks, you haven't landed a single punch on me yet".

"Oh". Liquid replied. "You want punches, huh"?

Leon crossed his arms, blocking the sudden punch, but the force of it still knocked Leon off his feet. Liquid then tackled him and punched him in the face a few times before making him stand up, swinging him around a few times, and tossing him into the wall of an abandoned camping tent of some kind, collapsing it.

"You're a better fighter alright". Liquid said. "In the bizarro world, maybe".

Leon got to his feet and punched, but Liquid moved to the side and came back with two punches of his own, knocking Leon back down.

He got back up and did a roundhouse kick, but Liquid ducked and came back up with an uppercutt that sent Leon stumbling backwards.

"I love fist fighting". Liquid said as Leon fell back onto the tent. "Did I ever tell you about how I used to spar with Little Mac in high school"?

"Holy crap"! Leon gasped as Liquid approached. "Plan, plan, need a plan"!

In an act of desperation he grabbed the tent fabric, jumped to his feet, then spun around while blindly covering his target with the material. Once the netting was done, he tackled his victim, and began beating him in the head as hard as he could.

"TAKE THAT"! Leon yelled as he punched. "THIS WILL TEACH YOU, YOU FUCKING COCK SUCKER"!

"What are you doing"? Liquid asked from behind him.

"What"? "But you... I just... how did you... then who's this"?

Leon slowly pulled the tent material away, then they both screamed as the Yeti broke out of the net and chased them down another hill.

Meanwhile on the other side of the plains, the rest of the group were using their combined navigational brilliance in order to travel with accuracy almost as good as a GPS.

"Where the fuck are we"? Rebecca asked.

"How the hell am I supposed to know"? Jill replied. "I can't see a thing in this shit, and everything looks the same".

"Hey, Chris". Scooby said. "You were trained by SOLDIER, right"? "Shouldn't you know how to handle situations like this"?

"Yes, I should". "In fact, I remember getting an entire class on it".

(FLASHBACK)

"Now in slide 7,542 of my power point presentation". The instructor said. "We discuss the importance of not wearing too many layers of clothing in cold weather".

"JESUS CHRIST"! Chris screamed. "It's so boring"! "MAKE IT STOP"!

"Now in slide 7,543 we discuss why you should not get beligerently drunk before winter activities because you could end up like the jackass in slide 7,544".

The slide changed to Liquid being arrested while wearing only a pair of cowboy boots and swim goggles.

(FLASHFORWARD)

"Great". Scooby said. "So you spent the entire class trying to keep your sanity instead of learning something". "Did you get dropped on your head alot as a baby"?

"Once or twice". Chris replied. "But don't worry, I'm sure that we will find shelter soon".

"What makes you so sure"?

"Because we're the main characters, silly". "Sure we could die horrible deaths at any time, but even whatever jackass wrote this story wouldn't make us freeze to death". "In fact, there's probably a house right over there, HOLY CRAP"!

Everyone's jaws dropped as a house appeared in the drifting snow right before the mountain went streight up for as far as the eye could see.

"I don't believe it". Ashley said. "Chris was actually right about something". "If there was ever time to play the lottery, it's now".

"I won the lottery once". Tiggr replied. "But I used it all on a 300 million gil crack party, see"?

He took out an old newspaper, and on the front page there was a picture of tigger with white powder all over his upper lip, while the headline read: TIGGR'S 300 MILLION GIL CRACK PARTY.

"Wow". Chris said. "That's pretty impressive for a stuffed toy".

"Are you kidding"? Tiggr asked. "That's pretty impressive for Tommy Chong".

"Glad to hear it, guys". Rebecca replied. "Now if you don't mind I'd like to GET THE HELL OUT OF THIS FREEZING ASS WEATHER BEFORE I SET BOTH OF YOU ON FIRE TO KEEP WARM"!

They shrugged, and followed her toward the house.


	38. I Aid The Climbers

The snowstorm continued to rage as they ran up to the house.

"These people live in some weird places". Chris said. "I mean, who would really want to live here"?

"Who cares"? Rebecca asked. "JUST OPEN THE DAMN DOOR"!

Barry shoved it open, allowing them to rush inside. It took them a second to force it closed against the high winds, but soon it clicked shut and the warmth of the indoors floated over them.

"More visitors"? An extremely old man asked. "More brave souls seeking to climb the great mountain in order to glimpse the north crater with their own eyes"? "Well come in because healthy tourism is always on the menu".

"Menu"? Ashley asked.

"Just a figure of speech". "My name is... Tim".

Thunder crashed and dramatic music filled the house.

"No doubt you have heard of me". Tim continued. "I'm the talk of Icicle Village... atleast I was about 20 years ago".

"They didn't tell us much". Jill replied. "The whole place was destroyed soon after we got there".

"Ok, then I'll tell you about how me and my partner sought to be the first to climb to the top but a powerful storm hit and I cut, er I mean he cut his own rope to save my life". "I then ate, er I mean I gave him a proper burial and built this house here so that I could prey apon, er, I mean assist thoes brave souls who seek to challenge the mountain". "It was perfect because no one would ask questions about climbers who dissapeared, er, I mean the climb is very dangerous".

"What's so special about the north crater"? Rebecca asked.

"Well the story goes that a very long time ago an evil being named Jenova fell from the sky, and believe me she was one smokin piece of ass back in the day". "She had long greenish blonde hair, gigantic knockers, and legs that went all the way up".

"Wait a sec". Scooby interupted. "Wasn't Jenova that thing that Sephiroth took from the shinra building"? "Wasn't it his mom or something"?

"His mom"? "Wow, I envy the luck bastard who tagged that ass". "Anyway, she fell from the sky and used a magic stone to summon something called meteor". "Now I'm not sure what that was, but it created that crater, and I guess Jenova was standing just a bit too close".

"I get it"! Chris screamed. "Wait a second, no I don't".

"He means". Rebecca explained. "That this Jenova person tried to destroy the world with meteor, but fucked up". "Now Sephiroth wants to use whatever meteor is in order to finish what his mom started".

"Well". Tim replied. "Sounds like you kids are on one hell of an adventure... too bad this is as far as you go".

"What do you mean"? Jill asked.

Tim turned the kitchen light on, and the group screamed as they saw human skeletons piled all over the place.

"You're surprised"? Tim asked as he grabbed a cleaver. "I live in the middle of a frozen wasteland, how else would I last for 20 years out here"? "AHHHHHHHHHHH"!

They bolted out the door and ran toward the mountain as he chased them, but Tim stopped just before he got outside.

"Fuck that". He said as he closed the door. "It's cold out there".

Meanwhile in a beautiful frozen crystal cave...

The peaceful silence was shattered as Liquid and Leon fell through the cieling, and crashed onto the ground.

Liquid was up first, so he pulled Leon to his feet, and punched him in the mouth, making him fall against the wall. Liquid then punched him in the stomach, and kicked him in the side of the head, making him stumble down a small hill where he crashed into some large ice cicles.

Liquid ran at him for another attack, but Leon picked up one of the ice cicles, and shattered it agianst Liquid's side, knocking him out of the air. Leon began kicking and stomping him, but then Liquid grabbed his foot and twisted it, making Leon fall on his face.

He began twisting the foot farther, but Leon used his other foot to kick Liquid in the face. He then spun around and tackled Liquid, only to recieve a headbutt that distracted him long enough for Liquid to grab his arm, and flip him over so that he was choking Leon with his own arm.

"Are you done yet"? Liquid asked. "Answer me, Private Kennedy".

"My name". Leon replied. "Is Leon".

Leon used his other hand to hit the A button on his controller belt, causing them to rocket upward , slamming Liquid against the cieling. They fell to the ground with a hard thud, and Leon pushed the B button on his belt, making him ram Liquid with his shoulder just as he was getting up.

He hit Liquid three more times with his super dash, each one knocking him on his ass. But on the fourth pass, Liquid dropped down, and stuck his foot out, making Leon get a mouthful of ice as he slid across the floor.

"Did that taste good, Leon"? Liquid asked. "I hope so, because you're about to get seconds".

"Oh yeah"? Leon asked as he touched his controller belt. "Let's see how you like it when I push PAUSE"!

He pushed it, and nothing happened.

"I thought you might try that". Liquid replied. "So I ripped out your start button while we were trying to lose that Yeti". "Hope you have a ball point pen, jackass".

"No". Leon said as he drew his zapper. "But I always have this".

"NO, NOT IN HERE"!

But it was too late. Leon fired, zapping part of the wall, and soon the whole cave started shaking.

"Uh oh". Leon whispered.

"RUN"! Liquid screamed as the walls started colapsing. "RUN"!

They screamed as they tried to stay ahead of the insuing avalanch.


	39. Up Up Up The Mountain Path

The avalance was getting closer, making Leon and Liquid scream louder as they ran with all their strength.

"I don't wanna die"! Leon yelled. "I haven't been laid in ten years"!

"Ten years"? Liquid asked.

Liquid suddenly extended his spear into the ground, and grabbed Leon's hair, making him scream as they were pole vaulted to the safety of a very high rock. Then they sunk to the ground, sitting back to back.

"You haven't been laid in ten years"? Liquid asked as he retracted the spear. "Is that what your problem is"? "Damn, I'd go out of my mind if I went 10 DAYS without getting laid".

"10 days"? Leon replied. "Wait a second, we've been with these guys for well over 10 days, and every girl here hates you".

"Don't worry about that". "Let's just say that chlorophorm's a bitch". "That, and there was the make up sex after Samus stomped the hell out of me".

"Oh". "It must be nice to have all these girls after you".

"Not always". "Most of them want to kill me".

"BUT YOU STILL GOT THEM"! "Why is it so easy for you, and impossible for me"? "What makes you so much better then me"? "I have good looks, brains, skills, a six pack, and only a few class 1 offences on my crimminal record which all have something to do with you". "So, what could you possibly have that I don't have"?

Liquid thought for a minute as he watched the avalanch start to slow down.

"It's called game, Leon". Liquid answered. "You just don't seem to have any".

"No way". Leon argued. "I got plenty of game".

"Yeah, because walking up to a total stranger and telling her that you have the same haircut on both heads, doesn't exactly make you Michael Jordan".

"You have some bad lines, too, but your's work". "I watched you leave a bar with two girls after telling them that you had so much gil in your pocket that all of you would be leaving on your hands and knees by morning".

"No, I seem to remember getting arrested for using that line... a few times".

Leon got quiet for a second and then started crying.

"It's not fair"! He sobbed. "I finally find the girl of my dreams, and the only way she will give it up is if I either get you to reverse yourself, or fight you to the death"! "That's bullshit because you never reverse yourself even when you're proven wrong, and with the rate this fight is going I'm gonna get killed, AND I DON'T WANNA DIE"!

"Quit your damn crying". Liquid ordered. "Believe it or not, killing you is not on my list of things to do this year".

"But I still failed, and now she won't sleep with me"!

"Sure she will". "Even if you didn't achieve the desired results, you still stood up to me, and she will respect that enough to see past your many faults".

"Really"? "You think so"?

"No, probably not". "But maybe she'll feel sorry enough for your goofy ass that she'll give you pity sex". "Sure that's empty and shallow, but so are you, so either way you win".

Leon thought for a second.

"My god, you're right". Leon said. "I've been going about this all wrong". "When we catch up to Ashley, I'm gonna fall to my hands and knees, and beg her to sleep with me". "You're the best, Captain Liquid".

"I certainly am". Liquid replied. "And I've got two things to say about that". "1, if you tell anyone that we had this conversation I'll snap your damn neck". "2, now that the avalanch has stopped... where the hell are we"?

Meanwhile back on the surface, the rest of the group had ice cicles forming on them from the freezing cold as they climbed.

"We've been climbing for hours"! Scooby yelled. "My nuts are so shriviled up that I'm considering changing my name to Scoobina"!

"Quit your bitching"! Jill ordered. "We're all freezing, but it's not possible for this damn mountain to go up much higher... right"?

"Must go on". Chris said to himself. "Must go on". "As long as I keep my consentration, I won't realize how hopeless this situation actually is". "Then all I have to do is not look up or down, and I'll be fine".

"Consentration, huh"? Rebecca asked. "Well how would your consentration hold up if I started talking about the things that me, Jill, and Ashley did in the guest room at Liquid's house"?

"Aw, man". "As hot as that sounds, I hate it when reality sets in".

"Glad I could help". "See you at the top".

Chris hung his head as he continued climbing.

"Oh well". He said to himself. "Atleast it can't get any worse".

"Hey, Clem"! Barry called. "My nipples are hard. check'em out"!

"OH GOD, GROSS DUDE"! "I HATE MY LIFE"! "Why god, why do you torment me"? "Can't you give me a small sign that you love even Chris Redfield"?

"Look"! Ashley called. "I can see the top"!

Hope filled Chris's heart as the top came into view, but then he reached it and saw what stood before them.

It was a gigantic crater, with swirling tornados, rock ledges, and a strange glowing light that came from nowhere.

"No way"! Chris yelled. "We have to go in THERE"?


	40. Shinra's Arrival

It turns out that going down the inside of the north crater was alot easier then climbing up the outside, so the group was having a merry stroll down what seemed like a natural staircase, when a sound was heard overhead.

"What is that sound"? Ashley asked.

"I'm not sure". Chris replied. "But I think it's an airship".

"What makes you say that"?

Chris pointed upward, and they looked, gasping as they saw the large shinra airship passing overhead.

And inside the airship...

"Ah". Alfred Ashford said as he leaned back in his chair. "We've finally reached the famed north crater... and what's this"? "It appears that Chris and his friends have followed us here... that means that someone leaked out our plans to them".

Everyone just looked at him.

"It's ok". Alfred continued. "I'm not mad, I just want to know who it was".

Suddenly one of the guards cleared his throat, and Alfred instantly blew his head off with a shotgun.

"Ah HA"! He yelled. "I knew it was you, masked soldier number... um... uh...

"532". Ada replied.

"Number 532"! "Strike him from the record books"! "Now, back to business".

"We have him". Iorns said. "Scans show Sephiroth walking further into the crater aproxamatly 2000 meters from our current position".

"Excellent, that means it's time to implement my brilliant plan, which will be explained by Dr. Birkin".

"Well". Birkin said as he turned on the projector. "After drafting 23 different plans, and running 23 simulations on each one, we have indicated a 23 percent chance of failure, so after studying Sephiroth for 23 years, I have come up with this plan".

"Thank you, Birkin, but I'll take it from here". "NEXT SLIDE"!

The slide changed to a poorly drawn chart with a bunch of scribbles.

"As you can see". Alfred explained. "We have designed an escape pod to look just like an asteroid". "The plan is to fill this 'asteroid' full of soldiers, and launch it into Sephiroth's path". "There his legendary obsession with things that fall from the sky will compell him to investigate, but once he drills inside, he'll get a face full of MEN"! "MY MEN"! "Loyal foot soldiers in the shinra's war against everything good and decent". "LOAD THE ESCAPE POD SLASH ASTEROID"!

About 20 soldiers lined up and quickly moved into the pod, then it was sealed, and soon it was catipulted out of the ship and across the crater.

"What's that"? Tiggr asked.

"A shooting star". Jill replied. "Make a wish".

"I WISH FOR MORE DRUGS"!

The pod continued screaming across the sky, slowly losing altitude until it crashed right in front of Sephiroth, who looked at it for a second, walked around it, and continued on his way.

And inside the pod...

"I can't open it"! Soldier 1 said. "I think we landed on the hatch"!

"Aw, man". Soldier 2 replied. "We aren't gonna have to eat eachother, are we"?

"Forget that"! Soldier 3 interupted. "What are we gonna do about poo-poos"?

Meanwhile, the arival of the shinra had dampened the spirits of our heros.

"Great". Scooby grumbled. "Now we have to deal with Sephiroth AND the shinra"? "How could this possibly

Instantly everyone covered Scooby's mouth.

"Are you a twit"? Jill asked. "Never ever let me hear you start that sentence ever again, got it"?

"Yeah". Rebecca replied. "Something bad always happens whenever some jackoff says that it couldn't possibly get any worse".

"REBECCA, NO"!

Suddenly a fierce tornado blew right into their path, making them scream as they were blown backwards.

Eslewhere, inside yet another crystal cave.

"Damn it"! Liquid yelled. "Another dead end, this means that we're gonna have to tunnel our way out, and for that we need a 12 pound sledge hammer".

"A 12 pound sledge hammer"! Leon exclaimed as he slung the large hammer over his shoulder.

"A 10 pound pnumatic pick".

"A 10 pound punmatic pick"!

"And a 5th of Captain Morgan".

"A 5th of Captain Morgan"!

"WHERE ARE YOU GETTING THIS STUFF FROM"? "Not that I'm ungrateful, but you just produced a basic miner's kit from thin frickin air"!

"I don't know"! "This stuff just appears whenever I need it, like in the damn twilight zone or something, and it's really scaring me"!

"Well, we'll have to worry about it later because right now we have to tunnel our way out of here, and by we I mean you, so start digging".

Leon grumbled to himself as he started digging at the ice and snow.


	41. Wait For The Winds

The fierce winds knocked them on thier asses, but during the gusts they saw Sephiroth walking deeper into the crater.

"Come on, guys"! Jill yelled as she stood up. "After him"!

"How"? Rebecca asked. "If we go that way the wind will just swat us away again".

"Not if we time it perfectly". "Just watch how the wind moves, and opportunity should present itself".

They watched as the wind ripped solid rock away from the crater wall and smashed it into sand.

"Are you out of your mind"? Scooby asked. "If it can do that to solid rock, just imagine what it could do to Chris". "First it would lift him off his feet, then it would twist him around untill his body blew into a million pieces like in that movie mission to mars". "Then his twisted bloody remains would be splattered all ofer the crater kind of like

"ENOUGH"! Chris screamed. "WE GET THE IDEA"!

"Good". Rebecca replied. "Then you should have proper motivation to get through the wind".

"No way". "Only an idiot would try to find a path through there".

"Yes, and that's why you're perfect for the job". "And if you show us how brave and strong you are by doing this, I'll be your's forever".

"Really"?

"No, but if you don't do it I'll toss you over the nearest cliff so that when you hit the sharp rocky ground, you'll meet a fate similar to that of people who fall off the pit in mortal kombat".

Chris knew she was serious, so his only choice was to face the winds. But it was suicide. Anyone who tried to pass through the winds would be swept away before they had time to see the patterns.

Then he got an idea. It was a long shot, but maybe he wasn't supposed to look for a pattern. Maybe if he just charged in like a moron he would get through.

So he took a deep breath, closed his eyes tight, and screamed like a girl as he charged toward the winds like a half retarded yak.

He felt the winds tugging from both sides, making him run faster and scream louder until he felt no more wind. So he opened his eyes and realised why he felt no more wind... or the ground...

The wind had shot him way up into the air, and now he was coming down.

He screamed and flapped his arms as he came down, then he bounced off the crater wall a few times before coming to a hard stop back on the path.

But he was on the other side of the winds.

"What took you so long"? Rebecca asked, making him jump.

"How did you get here"? He demanded.

"Well Mister rush in like a moron, if you had just controlled yourself and waited for another 30 seconds you could have used the nice underground path that Jill found, and made it safely unhurt to the other side of the winds". "But no, you had to do things the hard way as usual".

"But I... but you told... I didn't want... THIS IS BULLSHIT YOU GUYS... guys"?

They were already walking deeper into the crater, so Chris grumbled as he followed them into a cave of some sort. There was a hsort walkway, before a long slope which led to the icy core of the crater.

"Wait up"! He yelled as he caught up to them. "But be careful because you never know where Sephiroth could be lurking".

"Someone called"? Sephiroth asked from on top of a rock.

"You just had to say something, huh"? Ashley asked.

Sephiroth did a xena war cry as he leaped down from the rock, and blocked their path to the slope.

"So, Chris". Sephiroth said. "Have you figured it out yet"?

"Figured out what"? Chris asked.

"Why you aren't in that picture we took 5 years ago".

"I don't know". "Maybe because you're one of the ten million people who know how to super impose one image onto another with microsoft print shop"?

"No, simple simon". "Look to a man with whom you were involved".

(FLASHBACK)

Chris and Will Farell laughed as they held hands while skipping down the beach.

(FLASHFORWARD)

"No, not him". Sephiroth said. "It was while you still worked for Shinra".

(FLASHBACK)

Chris and a masked shinra soldier laughed as they held hands while skipping down the beach.

(FLASHFORWARD)

"No, no". Sephiroth continued. "You dissapoint me, Chris". "It was Hunk". "SOLDIER First Class Hunk".

"Someone named Hunk"? Chris asked. "Wait a sec... I never...

"I didn't mean that kind of involvement".

"Oh". "But still... I don't know anyone named Hunk".

"Sure you don't". "But if you don't want to grasp the truth... I'll just kill you AHHHHHHHH"!

Everyone screamed as he swung his sword, but then one of his spiked heels broke, causing him to lose his balance and roll all the way down the slope. Then he got to his feet, and ran into another cave.

"A cave within a cave"? Chris asked.

"Don't just stand there"! Rebecca yelled as she pushed him. "After him"!

Chris screamed as he rolled down the slope, and the rest of the group slowly followed him.


	42. Black Materia Recovered

"Keep digging"! Liquid yelled.

"I am"! Leon replied as he broke more ice.

"I know that, Leon". "But in officer's school you are taught that even if your soldiers are performing perfectly, you have to keep yelling at them so that it seems like they would be lost without you".

"That's pretty clever".

"No it's not, it's just a sneaky tactic for making yourself look good when higher ranking people walk by". "NOW KEEP DIGGING"!

Leon slammed the pick into the ice again and again. Then just when it seemed hopeless, the pick broke through into a passage below them.

"What did you find"? Liquid asked.

"It looks like a chamber". Leon replied. "It's pretty well lit... but I don't think we should break through right now".

"That's what you get for thinking". "CANNONBALL"!

"NO, WAIT"! "WE'RE REALLY HIGH UP"!

But it was too late. Liquid leaped into the hole, and the added weight shattered the ice, making them scream as they fell into a large chamber.

They slammed into the solid ice floor, and it took them a minute to shake off the dizzyness.

"Good job, Leon". Liquid said as they slowly got up. "You should have warned me".

"I did"! Leon yelled.

"Shhh, I hear something". "Your failure will be dealt with later".

Leon grumbled as they hid behind a large chunk of ice, then they listened as someone entered the chamber.

"Crap". The voice muttered. "Where did the black materia go"? "I must have dropped it on the slope... stupid spiked heels".

It was obviously Sephiroth, so Liquid motioned for Leon to go around the other way. They crept around the ice, hoping to get behind the heel wearing maniac, but then they rounded the corner, and came face to face with him.

"AHHHHHHH"! Sephiroth screamed.

"AHHHHHHH"! Leon screamed.

"AHHHHHHH"! Liquid screamed.

They stopped for a second to catch their breath.

"AHHHHHHH"! Sephiroth screamed.

"AHHHHHHH"! Leon screamed.

"AHHHHHHH"! Liquid screamed.

"ENOUGH, STOP IT"! Sephiroth demanded as he raised his sword. "What are you doing here"?

They jumped back, then Leon drew his zapper while Liquid extended his spear.

"The plan is to kick your ass". Liquid answered. "Ready, go"!

Meanwhile Chris was releaved to reach the bottom of the slope, but then he groaned as he felt something under his back. So he reached under, and pulled out the black materia.

A second later the others reached the bottom, and gasped at what he held.

"Now how do you suppose"? Chris asked as he looked at it.

"Gimme that"! Rebecca yelled as she took it. "Morons like you don't get to keep things as important as this".

"Why not"?

"I don't know, maybe because Sephiroth took it from you last time"?

"That's not fair". "He's an incredible fighter, with a super long sword, and crazy superpowers that let him vanish at will and throw fireballs and such".

"He bitch slapped you, and took it out of your hand". "The black materia stays with me".

"Great". Jill added. "Now that he can't use meteor, I say we go in there and kill the prick".

"Not so fast". Alfred said as he came around the corner.

And with him were Iorns, Ada, and Birkin.

"Let's kill them"! Chris said as he unsheathed his sword. "We outnumber them 2 to 1"!

Alfred then snapped his fingers, and suddenly a hundred shinra soldiers decended on ropes, surrounding them and aiming their rifles.

"You were saying"? Alfred asked.

"What I meant was". Chris quickly said as he put his sword away. "That there is no need for violence because that would be childish, and we're all adults here".

"Silence"! "Normaly I would kill you right here and now, but this time I'm here to stop Sephiroth... so, which way did he go"?

Suddenly a laser blast flew out from the chamber, hitting the wall next to Chris's head, causing him to shriek. Then there were strange sounds from inside the chamber.

"Watch out"! Leon yelled.

The sound of ice shattering was heard.

"Get his feet"! Liquid yelled.

There was more screaming and ice shattering.

"OW, MY BALLS"! Leon screamed.

"Christ, what now"? Alfred asked. "We have to get in there"!

Everyone ran inside as the crashing sounds continued.


	43. Secrets Of North Crater

Inside the chamber, Sephiroth had Liquid in a sleeper hold and was doing the same thing to Leon, just with his legs.

"What the hell"? Jill asked.

Sephiroth looked up at them, and that moment of distraction was all Liquid and Leon needed for them to lift him into the air, and slam him through a bunch of stalagemites, breaking his grip and allowing them to roll away.

"Isn't that Captain Liquid"? Ada asked. "But who's the other guy"?

"I think it's Leon Kennedy from the Turks". Iorns replied. "I thought you said he died, Birkin".

(FLASHBACK)

Leon struggled with a box as he reached the basement labratory of the Nibelhelm shinra mansion.

"Here's the next crate". He said. "Where do you want it"?

"Ah, crate number 23". Birkin replied. "You will place it on the 23rd square from the left side of the wall at a 23 degree angle so that it does not cast it's shadow apon volume 23 of my Don Queotix collection".

Leon started moving toward the wall, but then the box broke, spilling the contents all over the floor. He went to pick it up, but then Birkin bashed him in the head with a fire extinguisher.

"FOOL"! Birkin screamed. "For your 23rd failure on your 23rd day as a member of the Turks, you will be frozen in time for 23 million billion years"!

He then tossed Leon into the cryo storage unit, and laughed like a jackass as he turned it on.

(FLASHFORWARD)

"A regretable 23 percent miscalculation". Birkin replied. "But you're missing the fight, and I give thoes two losers 23 to 1 odds".

Leon grabbed his zapper and started shooting, but Sephiroth kept blocking them with his sword, causing them to hit the walls instead. Liquid grabbed his spear and attacked head on, but Sephiroth easily blocked his attacks.

Then in one move Sephiroth spun around and kicked, sending both of them flying into the wall, where they crashed to the floor.

"Holy crap"! Liquid exclaimed. "I think we just got our asses kicked"!

"Yeah"! Leon replied. "And he did it in heels"!

"Enough of this"! Alfred ordered. "SOLDIER First Class Sephiroth, you are ordered to lay down your weapon and surrender".

In response to this Sephiroth walked up to Alfred and bitch slapped him, making him cry out as he fell on his ass.

"I won't be surrendering today". Sephiroth replied. "But thank you for bringing back the black materia for me".

He held out his hand, making the black materia left Rebecca's posession, flying across the room and into his hand.

"What kind of jedi bullshit is that"? Scooby asked.

"The kind that seperates winners and losers". Sephiroth replied. "Now witness the power as I activate the black materia"!

He held it above his head and laughed hystericaly as it began to glow, but his laughter stopped as a loud roar filled the chamber.

"What was that"? He asked.

Suddenly a gigantic eye opened behind the ice wall, and everyone screamed as crack shot through the walls, the cieling, and the floor.

"You're fucking kidding me"! Sephiroth yelled as he rose into the air. "The Weapons are REAL"?

He then vanished as another roar shook the chamber.

"Weapons"? Alfred asked.

Suddenly the chamber started shaking, and the walls began breaking apart.

"TO THE AIRSHIP"! Alfred screamed as he ran. "MOMMY"!

Everyone took off running as the chamber began to collapse, then they started climbing up the ropes toward the hovering airship.

They were about halfway up when a flying shard of ice cut Rebecca's rope, making her scream as she started to fall. But at the last second Chris caught her hand, and swung her to another rope.

Unfortionatly the momentum caused Chris to lose his grip on his own rope, making him scream even more girly then Rebecca as he fell to the ground, and slid back into the chamber.

"I'm ok"! He yelled. "Man, that was close".

Suddenly the ice shattered beneith him, making him scream again as he fell for a few hundred feet, only to crash into the water.

"CHRIS"! Rebecca screamed.

"It's too late for him"! Jill yelled. "We have to get out of here"!

They finished climbing onto the airship, and it started moving up into the air as the chamber finished collapsing.

And under the chamber Chris was sinking fast, and it looked like the end...

But suddenly a large tentacle shot up from the depths, and wrapped itself around him.

"This is not your grave". A deep voice said as it pulled him down. "But you are welcome in it... as long as you wipe your feet, and pay part of the rent".

He screamed a bubbley scream as he vanished into the darkness.


	44. The Rise Of Weapon

As the airship reached maximum height, the entire north crater seemed to shake as a gigantic creature rose from the ice, and took off across the sea.

And then another... and another... and another...

"Holy crap"! Iorns exclaimed. "We have reports of 5 gigantic godzilla like creatures moving out of the crater"! "This kind of crap is only supposed to happen in Tokyo"!

The 5 monsters took off in different directions, mostlikely to reak havok on the innocent people of the world.

"Well, isn't this a pickle". Alfred said. "Good thing we have all these prisoners here to answer all of our questions". "Tie them up and set course for Junion".

The airship turned and startd moving while the group was tied up by the guards. Then they were pushed to the floor.

"Take them to the holding cell". Alfred ordered. "But first I want to talk to these two". "STAND THEM UP"!

The guards grabbed Liquid and Leon, then forced them to thier feet.

"You two are in alot of trouble". Alfred said as he walked up to them. "Not only for helping these terrorists unleash a plot to destroy the world, but for a list of crimminal charges". "You, Leon Kennedy of the Turks for abandoning your post and being a complete jackass". "And as for you...

He pulled back his fist, and punched Liquid as hard as he could.

"Gosh, Al". Liquid replied. "If I wanted a kiss, I would have called your sister".

He then headbutted Alfred, knocking him down.

"Now, Leon"! Liquid yelled.

Leon smirked, then he jumped up in attempt to bring his tied hands out from behind his back. But his feet got caught in the ropes, making the guards laugh as he did a face plant onto the deck.

"GOD DAMN YOU, LEON"! Liquid screamed. "Time for plan B"!

"No, not plan B"! Leon begged.

"What's plan B"? Jill asked.

"It's when he takes every possible option, and chooses the most random one that just might be crazy enough to work"!

"That's right"! Liquid declaired as he kicked Alfred again. "And now it's time to fly"!

He grabbed Leon by the hair with his roped hands, and let himself fall over the side of the airship.

"I won't leave Ashley here"! Leon yelled as he grabbed her leg.

"Let go of me"! Ashley yelled as she grabbed Tiggr by the tail.

"OH GOD, NO"! Tiggr screamed as he was pulled.

They screamed as they fell, and a second later all was quiet.

"An interesting stunt". Alfred said as he got up. "But we seem to have 4 prisoners left, and that ain't bad". "And I'm sure that they will serve our purpose well enough".

He laughed like a madman as the airship flew across the sky, not caring about the screaming idiots who had just crashed to the earth below.

"Oh god, gross"! Ashley yelled as she stood up. "Of all the places to fall, you pick a fucking swamp"?

"Your welcome, ass". Liquid replied. "Perhaps you would have prefered a mountain where you could now be a splatter on the countryside"?

"Whatever, you had no frickin idea where we were when you jumped"!

"Yeah, so"? "We're alive, aren't we"?

"And what if we had died"?

"Then I wouldn't have to listen to you bitch anymore, huh"?

She screamed her rage, and then punched Leon in the face, knocking him back down.

"Why did you hit him"? Tiggr asked.

"Because he's a moron". Ashley replied. "He failed to make Liquid either change his ways, or kill him, and I don't sleep with failures"!

"That's not what I heard". Liquid replied. "But give the guy a break". "Sure he didn't succede, but he still stood up to me". "Sure it didn't work, and I have no more respect for him then I did before, but he put up a pretty good fight for such a spaz".

"I don't give a fuck if

Suddenly a low growling sound filled the swamp.

"Liquid". Ashley said as the water began moving. "What swamp are we in"?

"The one next to the chocobo farm". He replied. "Why"?

"You've never been through this swamp before, have you"?

"No, I always flew over it". "What's the big deal"?

"We need to run for that cave right now".

"Why"?

"JUST RUN"!

They took off, and an instant later the midgar zolom rose from the swamp with a loud hiss.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT"? Liquid screamed as they ran.

It chased them all the way across the swamp, but then it turned away once they reached the cave.

"Holy crap"! Leon yelled as they leaned against the wall.

"Maybe we were better off in the airship". Tiggr said.

"Yeah, good job Liquid". Ashley replied. "Now we're stuck in the middle of nowhere with no ride, our friends are probably being tortured by the shinra, Chris could be dead for all we know, a bunch of giant monsters are stomping the world, and Sephiroth has the black materia"!

"Oh, will you relax for a second"? Liquid asked. "Except for that giant snake thing, this is all part of my plan".

"What plan"?

"The plan to rescue your friends from the shinra".

"Hold on a second". "You are way to greedy and selfish to make a plan for the sole purpose of rescuing someone". "What's in it for you"?

"You mean besides getting another chance to kick Alfred in the face"?

"Yeah".

"Simple... I want the airship". "Now let's go save your friends".

He walked into the cave, and after a moment of hesitation, the others followed him.

TO BE CONTINUED IN PART 3


End file.
